College Soon

What does she think you're in denial about?

I'm sorry you feel like you're always wrong. You aren't always wrong.

Sometimes my son and I get locked into positions in disputes where each of us feels like we're not being heard. And each of us starts thinking that way: "I'm sick of being the one that is wrong." It's a sign that there's a communication failure. Each side has the right to express their thoughts and feelings and be listened to. That doesn't mean they have to agree with you, but they do have to listen.

She thinks I'm in denial about being ill, why would I, I keep telling her it's the government, but she doesn't listen.

It always starts an argument if we try to talk about it, so I don't really bother much, only time I do now is when the family therapist is here, pointless then as well really.

I'm really sorry. I can see why you would give up on talking about it.

Thanks

It happened today, could tell I was being followed by aireal surveillance and she didn't believe me and it was so obvious.

Not even talking about it with the nurse anymore, was only my old psychologist that understood.

That must feel very lonely.

Thanks for replying - it is.

I emailed my psychologist again - really need to stop doing that - but I can only talk to her, I just tell my nurse I'm fine, no idea when I'll see her anyway, I know she won't call me tomorrow, has to take her daughter somewhere, just be alone as usual.

Just asked if I should give up - seems pointless in trying when no one believes me, got to die to prove it. I know my psychologist will give me the right advice.

Good luck with your class, Kureha. You're in my thoughts.

You were one of the first things I thought about when I woke up this morning, Kureha. I hope the class went well for you.

Thanks, I start next week, had to enrol today and got induction tomorrow all day tomorrow.

Had to do 2 days instead of one though, feel really anxious, it's much harder without meds.

That is stressful. One day a week sounded like a perfect way to start.

The meds are always there if you want them or need them.

Hi Kureha, I'm sorry you have to do two days instead of just the one... remember what Costello says, the meds are there to be used as a help, if you need them. One thing that might help is to realise that you can be in control of the meds, rather than them in control of you. Keep your options open.

And well done.

I can't take the medication, it was doing something to my eyes, still happens now I stopped as well.

I'm really scared of going to college, it was so busy today, I don't want to go anymore.

Best of luck in your college studies ((KUREHA)) - I'm cheering you on on.

How about a small dose of some kind of minor tranquillizer (Xanax?) you would only take to help take some of the edge off the fear so you can sit through class?

Enrollment time and the first week are the busiest time. It will slow down to a more sedate pace. Our classes started a couple of weeks ago. We had a few days of rush while people figured out where they were supposed to be and what they were supposed to be doing, then it quieted down. I'm sitting on the reference desk in the library right now, and it's very quiet.

I actually tried Xanax once. It was right after my adoptive son was placed in my home. Therapy wasn't going well. I think the therapist was a little freaked out by my son. She was really afraid of him and thought he would attack me and hurt me. So, she called a meeting with my son's adoption case worker and the worker at child protective services.

I was so scared the therapist would convince them that he was dangerous, and they'd take him away from me. Looking back on it now I have to laugh. It's so hard to find adoptive families for teenaged boys with serious behavior problems - there was no way they were going to remove him. I was his last chance for a normal family.

Anyway I was in terror. I didn't think I would be able to handle that meeting. So I went to see the campus doc, and she wrote me out a prescription for Xanax and told me to take one about 15 minutes before the appointment time. It worked like a charm, and I was able to stay calm for the meeting.

Anyway it's worth a try if your pdoc will write you the prescription.

I don't know if my doctor will, he wants me to take an anti-psychotic, I could ask the nurse on Friday though.

She said we could talk about college, because she could tell by my voice that I was worried about it, I don't think I can talk to her though, because it's just wasting her time.

I really don't want to go tomorrow, I just want something to stop it.

It's not wasting her time, sweety. It's her job. She's there to listen to you.

I really do think if you can stick with it for a few weeks it should start to get easier. I find that with any new project I'm involved in. To start off with I'm horribly anxious, then it gets better. Perhaps it's the same with you? It's worth fighting the fear for a few weeks to see what happens. "Resist the devil and he will flee from you." Or translated into modern terms, resist fear and it will vanish. I really do think you can beat your fear.

It doesn't always work though, it didn't with the OCD.

You think I should leave the meds as well, I don't think my nurse will be happy about it, I don't think she knows yet that I stopped.

I hope I do get less worried about it, its really hard, really wish I didn't have to go, I'm thinking of quitting already, I'm really scared. I think it's going to make me open to their attacks.

It is scary, Kureha, but you are a brave person. It will probably be uncomfortable for a few weeks but I bet you will feel better when it becomes part of your routine. (I''m scared about my school too)

Your doctor wants you to take meds? You trust your doctor, don't you?

Please post what happens as school starts. It sounds like a wonderful opportunity.

Whose idea was it for you to go back to school?

Kureha, if you're worried that you're more easy to be targetted at school, then I'd actually argue the opposite. Someone who is seen in public is safer than someone who hides. By being with other people it makes it harder for any would be stalker to harm you. It's called hiding in plain sight.

Thanks Yoda, I hope school is ok for you as well
Yeah my doctor and my nurse want me to take my medication, I think I'll talk to my nurse on Friday about it, might make things easier.

Costello - It was my idea, I don't know how long they will keep it up, so I just wanted to do something while I was still alive, because I could et to uni, if I'm still here.

Mgran - I feel kind of safe inside college, because everyone has to wear an ID badge now instead of just the teachers, I just think they'll make it look like an accident when I'm on my way there or back, even though my mam is meeting me for now. I did hear the aerial surveillance today.

Today wasn't too bad, I was really anxious, but my psychologist was right, I stayed with the anxiety and it went down a bit, I still was anxious - but not so much that I had to leave.
The teacher was funny I think that helped, but I need something to help me relax. The nurse said I should think about the benefits I was getting from my medication.

I think that your nurse is right.....besides, it's college is more fun when one ends up successful in their classes & taking your meds would definitely help you focus & get through your classes easier.

Think you will be surprised....you will end up graduating from college & nothing will have happened to you for all the worry that you are feeling about being unsafe. Know your meds will help with making your going to college more successful also. Better to just be worring about passing your classes with good grades than everything that is surrounding you also. Worrying can end up freezing us into being unsuccessful is everything rather than fullfilling the potential that is within us.

Wishing you success & peace in taking your college classes.

Stay safe.

That's really good news. It'll get easier with time and practice.