College Soon

Thanks

I was stuck on 2 questions, my mam helped with 1 and is going to look at the other 1, but the teacher said I could come see him and he'd explain it to me.

I liked maths at school - but I always hated fractions - I just half understand it. We're doing different stuff next week though.

I just need to keep trying to get there and concentrate better.

You just 1/2 understand fractions?

Keep at it. You're doing great, Kureha.

Lol

Thanks, I just hope I don't give up, because I really want to get to uni.

I wish you well, KUREHA.

I'm really proud of you Kureha. (((hug))) It was lovely to come back on this site and see that you're sticking with it. Well done!

Thanks

I think I messed up with my nurse today - I called her lots of things and she left, she's joined with the other nurse as well, so I'm alone now.

I can't see the psychologist either.

Going to see the police again on Friday.

I'm sorry things are hard now and you're feeling alone. I doubt if you messed up with your nurse. I'm sure she understands you're taxing your energy right now going to school.

I'm currently reading a book called Willpower. The authors talk about how we only have a limited amount of willpower. Once it's depleted we're more likely to be short-tempered. Right now you're expending tremendous amounts of energy such leaving the house, sitting through class, etc. - not to mention tackling fractions! You're bound to be edgier than usual.

Just rest and be gentle with yourself. It will get easier.

Thanks and at least I'm moved on from fractions lol.

I tried to call to apologise, but she wasn't there.
I had to ask my mam if it even happened, didn't know if it was real or if I imagined it.

I hope she understands, but she said she'd call the police, but I don't think she was I think she just wanted me to shut up. She might be ok with it if I apologise though.

Really don't want to go tomorrow but I don't want to miss maths, I'm just scared and alone now.

Kureha, don't panic... i know what you mean about being worried that something didn't happen. i get that sometimes, it's the most frustrating feeling in the world. If it did happen, you can work it out, if it didn't, then it's just your anxiety messing with you.

It did happen, my nurse called today though and I apologised and she was ok about it
She hasn't joined with the other nurse either she said it was just because I was shouting, she wasn't really listening, but just trying to calm me down.

Missed some of college today, but I'm not all alone now though there are so many things happening though.

So she was trying to calm you down by threatening to call the police? How odd. I find that people calm down more when I listen to them. Threatening people seems like it has the potential to escalate things, particularly when you're threatening to call the police on a person who is already full of fear. Sounds like she was in a pretty fearful place too.

Sorry you missed some college, but it's good to hear that fractions are behind you and that you're not alone. What do you mean when you say you're not alone?

Yeah that was the only thing she said to me - that she'd call the police if I didnt stop swearing at her.
I just went upstairs though and my mam was downstairs with her and she left a few seconds after that, yeah it didn't help me calm down.

I asked why she didn't deny joining with the other nurse on Tuesday and she said because I was shouting she wasn't thinking about what it was that I was saying.

Maths was pretty easy today, square root and indices.

Well I am still kind of alone - it's like I feel I'm in my own world because no one believes me and everything I'm saying is true, but no one believes it. I haven't lied about any of it though.
Just I feel a bit better because my nurse isn't against me now, sometimes it feels like everyone is.

I think it was very wise to remove yourself from the situation. If I can't calm down (and the other people around aren't being helpful, i.e., they're saying things that just rile me up eve more), I just have to leave so I don't do or say something I know I'll regret later.

Yeah, that's a fear response. It's hard to really engage your brain if you're feeling scared. She just shut down mentally and threatened you in the hopes it would make her feel safer.

It may be important to talk about the thing that was making you angry sometime when you're both feeling calmer.

That's good news!

I doubt if anyone thinks you're lying. They just see things differently than you do, so they think you're misperceiving the situation.

I said lots of stuff I didn't mean, but my nurse is cool with it now, I left the room, but I starting thinking stuff and that's why I had to go back down, so I was more angry then.
She is coming next week so we'll probably have to talk about it - I did kind of over react though, but not the second time.

They don't think I'm lying, but they don't believe anything I say, sometimes they'll be looking at me thinking WTF and I don't get why it's so hard to believe, I showed my nurse what I saw, but to her it was nothing.
I've saw too much for it to be nothing, but all I ever hear from them is psychosis

Started taking my knife to college and I do feel a bit safer, I feel more in control, so I'm hoping that will help.

Argh, Kureha, I'm sorry you're taking your knife to college. If they find out then you can be kicked out, that would be such a shame. Is there nothing else you can bring to feel safe? I keep thinking of you perhaps playing with the knife subconsciously in your pocket, and someone seeing it, and all your hopes going up in smoke. I'm glad it's the weekend, it gives you time to think.

I have it in my bag - the college don't do bag searches, well they haven't before.

I don't know what to do though, because I don't want to get thrown out, but I do want to feel safer.

My nurse is coming on Friday though so I could ask her then about it.

My ex psychologist said I shouldn't take my knife - so I'm going to leave it at home from now.

I know I can trust her - just wish I could see her again, but they don't want me to - they are plannng something.

I went to the police station and got to talk to a detective this time, so that was cooler, he was there with a PC as well.

He asked me loads of questions that had nothing to do with why I was there though, but he said he'd go and check it out and ask the nurse some questions about her being involved in the conspricay.

No one believes that cameras can float in the sky though, it's not that wierd, I told him they have aerial drones, but he said they don't - I've seen them though, he said only in Afghanistan.

I have an assessment next week for CBT, but I'm not going, because they are planning something, I don't trust my psychiatrist anymore, just my nurse and ex psychologist.

I told my parents but they don't believe me.

Wasn't your psychologist in favor of CBT? I thought you had a book she recommended.

Going to classes is a form of CBT for you. It's the B part - behavioral therapy. In DBT (which is a form of CBT) they do what's called opposite action. When you're confronted with an unjustified negative emotion, you do the opposite of what instinct tells you. When you feel fear, for example, your instinct is to avoid what you fear. The opposite action is to approach what you fear. Every time you go to class you're doing opposite action. You're going into a scary situation. It should get easier with practice and exposure.

CBT may be very useful for you, and it sounds like the people who know you best think it's worth a shot. It might help. Maybe someone you trust can go to the assessment with you? Can you explain to someone on your team what it is you fear exactly? Maybe they can brainstorm for ideas for things that will make you feel safer.

If it would be with my ex psychologist - I would do it - I trust her, yeah the book is very hard to do it alone.
Yeah I guess going to class kind of is like that, my psychologist said I did really well

Right here's the thing - I have an awesome psychologist, my psychiatrist knows I like her and that I trust her, but he wants me to see someone else, even though my psychologist would see me again.

I know the reason for that is they are planning something against me, the other nurse has obviously got to them, there is no way I'm putting myself into an unsafe situation, they'll want me in the hopital out of the way - I know it and I'm not going to let it happen.

After I got told by the nurse that came with my nurse that my behaviour was unacceptable and that next time the police would be called - I told them about the doctor - they said he isn't trying to section me - but I know how it is. They kept trying to get me to go - but there is no way I'm going, I'm not getting sent back to hospital ever.

My nurse could tell what it was before I even said it, so it's pretty obvious.

I am really so sorry you're dealing with the fear of being sectioned in addition to the other fears you're coping with right now. It's just too much. And it's the natural outcome of a system that uses force and fear in the name of "treatment."

I'm not there to see what's going on or to gauge the people involved, so I don't really know what's happening, but my gut instinct is that they aren't planning this assessment in order to trick you into going to the hospital. They're genuinely interested in having you try the CBT techniques as a less intrusive alternative. I could be wrong, but that's my best guess.

Your nurse brought a second nurse with her, because she didn't feel safe. She was afraid and the second nurse made her feel safer. In a similar way, you don't feel safe. You're afraid there's a plan to involuntarily hospitalize you, and the assessment is a ruse to get you to come to them (if I've understood you correctly). Is there anything that will make you feel safer during the assessment? Can the assessment be done at your home? What's the purpose of the assessment? Is it necessary to do an assessment before using the CBT techniques, or can you do the therapy without the assessment?

Yeah my nurse said I'd be getting joint visits from now on and she wouldn't come alone anymore - she used do it before for other stuff.

It makes sense - this is how I see it, they are planning together to section me, so they are going to lie that I've done something or plant something on me, so that is what happens, the assessment has nothing to do with wanting to help.

I can't do CBT without it - the assessment is to see if I can have CBT, the other nurse is trying to get me to go, for all I know she could be part of it, the sleeper cells are getting to plenty people. My ex psychologist wouldn't lie to me, I just want to see her.