College Soon

College is starting soon, I’m really anxious about it – I have to go on Tuesday the 6th to find out where my class is and get my timetable, I’m only doing 1 day – my nurse is calling the day before I go for some support and encouragement though.
I’m going to the police station tomorrow with my friend, to hope I find someone not involved, because I can’t keep living like this. I should be thankful for every dasy I’m alive, but I shouldn’t have to be and they shouldn’t be testing,
They have actors now so I don’t know what is real and what is them and I shouldn’t have to put up with that, they are just harassing me.

Hi Kureha, I know how you feel, having people harass you... I've got something going on at the moment which makes me feel just the same way. But I still firmly believe that they won't do you any real harm. What would be the point? Bullies thrive on the fear of their victims, but they don't tend to act on what they say.

College will be a challenge for you, but it might be very good... hopefully you'll be able to occupy your mind on other things. At the moment I fasten my mind on my music, when I'm feeling overwhelmed or frightened. If you can disappear into some special interest then you're safe from whatever is coming at you from outside. That's how I feel anyway.

By the way, I'm really glad to hear from you... it's been a while. (((hug)))

Hi Kureha:

I'm really glad to hear you're starting college soon. I think you're brave to go out and do this when you're feeling so afraid. You're an inspiration to me. I'll be thinking about you and sending good thoughts your way.

Thanks

My nurse thinks it will be good for me, I'm just worried about it. I used to do 3 days, but that was too much with my OCD, that's why I'm just doing 1 day.

I think they will hurt me, they have started doing more things now and I think it's only a matter of time. They flew planes and helicopters past my house and none fly that way, these were smaller than normal, I think they had snipers.

I use music to help as well, I just watched MCR at reading festival on BBC3 it was awesome.

Seems like my friend isn't my friend anymore, just avoiding me, so I'll go to the police station some other time instead.

Well he text back - so maybe he isn't avoiding me, just not replying to my texts instead.

I'm guessing he's still your friend. He just doesn't want to go to the police station with you. That's ok.

I'm glad for the college thing. I know it seems really scary, but facing fear is a growth experience.

I had a dream once when I was a teen that I always think about in situations like this. In the dream I was in my parents' bedroom, but it was a movie theater. A bunch of people were watching a movie when a man with a gun came in and told us all to sit perfectly still or he'd shoot us. Then, of course, he started shooting people, because no one can stay perfectly still for very long. I was sitting there thinking this is nonsense, eventually each of us will blink or twitch and he'll get us. I figured I was going to die anyway, I might as well dying protesting. So I jumped up and yelled NO, then ran away as fast as I could.

Go on with your life, Kureha. Gather up all your courage and get your life back.

Actually a bird did fly into my house this morning. I had the door propped open for the dog, ang it flew in and sat on the piano and watched me for a few seconds then flew out again. Not a blue bird, though.

Hi Kureha... I think your friend is still your friend. Problem is, he probably doesn't see the gang stalking in the same light as you do. He might be embarassed to go to the police if he sees no rational reason for it. That would be my interpretation anyhow. People sometimes chicken out of a promise if they think it's too much pressure. It doesn't mean he's not your friend, just that he can't agree with you on this issue.

Well my friend came with me, the receptionist looked at me like I was crazy, the police officer I saw was much nicer though.

She wrote everything down and she said she'd check tonight. She said she needs to talk to someone about it first, but she has my mobile number, she wants to talk to my nurse first though or my doctor.

I'm hoping it helps for college, because it's really freaking me out, like in class,I'll be sitting next to a huge window - so they'd easily watch me and a sniper probably could shoot me, although the police officer wasn't totally sure about it.

I just emailed my old psychologist - I really shouldn't be doing that and I don't think she'll be happy about it.

I just dont know what to do, I did that so I wouldn't call the police, I just feel so alone and confused.

I'm so sorry you're scared.

Will anyone you know be taking the class with you?

(((((Kureha)))))

Kureha, I'm glad your friend did go with you in the end.

When I'm in a public place I always lay claim to the spot that feels safest... back against a wall, with the door within my range of sight, and as you say, not too near the window. Perhaps a nurse or someone else could ensure that for your peace of mind you're able to get such a spot?

I saw some people that are doing the same course, none of them look like sleeper cells at least.

The window is huge though and they have no curtains oe blinds in that room, because only the rooms with computers have them, I just want to sit away from everyone. My nurse said not to act differently though or eveyone will stare and it will freak me out.

I'm just scared to go outside again, the police officer knew that, she could tell and think that's why she was going to help, not so much that she believed me.

Well, it's good that you've seen the room ahead of time. Do you get to pick your own seat? If so, be sure to arrive early so you can pick one you feel safe in.

Your nurse says not to act differently? Does that make you feel pressured in some way?

Here's an interview with Pat Deegan about her educational experiences: One thing she mentions is that she took a tape recorder to class with her at the beginning, because it was all she could do to sit through the class without freaking out. She couldn't pay attention to the material of the class because she was working so hard to manage her paranoia. She would listen to the tape of the lecture after class when she was home alone.

My nurse knows how I can be outside, but all I said was should I wear gloves to open the doors (like doctors gloves) and she said people will stare at me and I'll get worried they are part of something.
I really don't want to freak out in class though, because I know for sure they'll fly things past the window to try to get to me.

I'll try get there early for a good seat, near the door.

I watched the interview that would be a good idea, but I'm doing Maths, so I'll have all my examples, but it would be good for a different course.

My old psychologist was ok that I emailed her (she's awesome) but she asked if she could forward it to my nurse and doctor, she said it explained a lot about how I was feeling and it would help them to help me, so I said yes, even though it was just meant for her.

Can't you get some gloves that aren't that noticeable? Some are tight-fitting and nearly transparent. And if you wore long sleeves just past your wrists it would hide the tops. I don't know. I'm of two minds about this. I can see your nurse's point, but I also think any small discreet thing you can do to make you feel safer might ease the anxiety.

Why do you need gloves to open the doors? Are you concerned about germs? Could you use a handkerchief or kleenex to open it? That could be done very discreetly, and no one would notice. In fact around here people are so concerned about germs, especially in cold and flu season, that grocery stores provide wet wipes so you can clean the handle of the shopping baskets. And a few places even put a trash can outside the restroom door, so you can use the paper towel to open the door and then throw it away after leaving. If you're seen to be using a kleenex to open the door, you may just be considered overly cautious about germs.

Can you wear winter gloves on colder days?

Anyway, isn't there a very good chance the door will be propped open before class, so you can just walk in and take your seat?

I'm sure you won't freak out. Just pay attention to the lecture and breathe deeply. You can even get up and go to the restroom if you have to. My son had a panic attack once in class. He just gathered his books, got up, and left. You can just say you're not feeling well if you need to explain.

That's a good plan.

That's too bad. Math is a good subject to keep your attention focused on the classwork, though. Won't that help?

I wish you could start working with her again.

Thanks for the suggestions

I used to wear gloves when I was doing a Computing course, just said I had exzema (that's spelt wrong) but it worked lol, but maybe you're right I could use a tissue or wipe to open the door instead of gloves.

It's because I have OCD and mine is the classic type, so I'm germaphobic. Around here most people seem to want to give you their germs, I can't believe what some people do.
The doors in that building are usually always shut, well they were when I used to go there.

I'm going to try really hard not to look out the window and just try to concentrate on getting the work done, but I know I'll glance over, but I'm going to try not to look so much.

Yeah that's a good idea, I think I'll go if I can't keep calm enough, so being next to the door will be best. Last time I used to have my boyfriend with me and that used to help, but we aren't together anymore.
At least it's not to far from where I live, so I can just walk there, that has good and bad points though.

I'd love to see my psychologist again, I still trust her loads, she helped so much with everything, without her things would have been worse . My nurse is ok, but she doesn't do the same stuff and she doesn't know CBT.
The police haven't got back to me yet, but I see the family therapist tomorrow.

You are in my thoughts, KUREHA.

That's a good idea.

I really think you'll find that more and more people are cautious about germs, especially with flu season coming up. It doesn't sound like you're so over the top that people would think too much about it. If anyone asks you can just say you seem to be unlucky enough to catch everything that's going around so you've learned to be careful.

Yea. I work in a law school, and students come to class sick all the time. I'm not germaphobic at all (in fact I'm the opposite; I feel like your immune system get stronger if you're exposed to germs), but even I get pretty annoyed when someone's sneezing all over the place or hacking up a lung and they're in school instead of home in bed.

At the library we keep those Lysol wet wipes available so people can wipe down the keyboards on the public computers if they want. Public phones can harbor flu germs too. It's gotten to the point that everyone carries their own laptops and cell phones, though.

Oh, yea, the outer doors would probably be shut.

I think you should give yourself permission to look out the window occasionally. If you don't, you'll just get fixated on it and that might make it worse. You'll start imagining things that are way worse than anything you'd actually see if you just turned your head and looked.

Focus on the good points. What are the good points to being close enough to walk to class?

Kureha, these are the gloves I use when I'm out and about. http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B...s_ohs_product_
They are black, so noticeable, but they're close fitting, very comfortable (they're silk) not too showy, and you can easily tell people you have a skin allergy. I wear them when I'm in public transport, and know I may have to grab for something. You can wash them when you get home in warm soapy water, then rinse them out and let them dry over night. The company (Jasmine Silk) that I got them from were extremely accomodating. I have a relatively small hand, but I still wear the medium since it's such a snug fit.

If you get the wrong size they'll do a swap no trouble... in fact they sent me a spare pair for free, since they felt it was their mistake.

They're the best gloves I've ever had for this purpose.

My OCD was severe that's why I got to go to the best centre for it, it was my psychologist that got it more managable, when no one else could do anything. I still trust her a lot, I was talking about it with the family therapist, then I told her I stopped my meds and she wasn't happy about that and told me that I shouldn't just stop and she has to tell my nurse.

Our college had no wipes, so I had to wear gloves to use the computers, because hand sanitizer just isn't enough.
The family therapist said I should get in touch with the student services at te college and they would be able to help me.

Mgran - I used to use Latex gloves, made my hands so hot and I was always covered in white powder, my nurse doesn't think any gloves are a good idea. I don't know what my ex-psychologist would say though and that's what I want to know.

How about using a hanky? It's a bit more discreet I suppose... Only you know what's good for you regarding this. If you can manage without them and keep your anxiety in abeyance, that's probably best... but your nurse doesn't know if this is practical for you. If you'd be intolerably anxious without gloves, then go for the gloves. Your anxiety could be at least as obvious to others as the gloves.

I really don't see a problem with wearing gloves. I know what you mean about the latex though, they're not comfortable. That's why I prefer the silk, they're permeable, so you don't sweat in them, but at the same time they're comforting and warm. It's almost like having your hands in warm water, or at least I find it so. It stops me from clicking my knuckles so much, and from chewing my nails... also stops me from making a scene by pulling sleeves down when I'm opening doors etc.

Seriously, it's only a little thing. Every little helps, after all, and gloves can help. So... I hope you get a more sympathetic response from your old psychiatrist.

My old psychologist wasn't cool with that stuff, she used to make me wait to use my hand sanitizer, that's why she was good for me, she had cool therapy skills.

I think I'll use a wipe, that way I help the next person as well, but if I feel anxious, I'll use gloves instead.

I got to talk to the family therapist about it today - so she knows what I'm anxious about, we just call it different things. I call it the government, she calls it a psychotic illness. It's so weird they all agree, it just confuses me.

Just got to work on the cameras and sleeper cells now.

My mam thinks I'm in denial or something like that.

I'm sick of being the one that is wrong and being alone with everything