[ickydog2006]

It's been a year since I've had hallucinations but I can't get the fact that the stuff wasn't real out of my head. This last week it has been really getting to me and I don't know why, maybe because my doc wants me to have a psych eval, but either way, I'm freaking out inside every night. If I thought those things were real and they weren't what else do I think is real that isn't. I know logically the argument would be if it wasn't real then it would have gone away with the other hallucinations, but I can't help feeling like maybe nothing is real. I feel like I sound so stupid saying that. I took some sleep meds the other night and ended up getting up the courage to tell my husband this, and he's really supportive, and brought up my logical argument, but I still feel like I'm crazy and stupid and I just want to curl up in a ball and hide and get away from everything.

[Ygrec23]

Hey, icky,

Feeling that nothing is real is a separate condition in itself. Your doc is probably right. You need another psych eval and need to tell the evaluator that you're having these thoughts and feelings. But these ARE things you can get over or get rid of with the proper meds and the proper T. Wishing you all good things! Take care.

Originally Posted by ickydog2006

It's been a year since I've had hallucinations but I can't get the fact that the stuff wasn't real out of my head. This last week it has been really getting to me and I don't know why, maybe because my doc wants me to have a psych eval, but either way, I'm freaking out inside every night. If I thought those things were real and they weren't what else do I think is real that isn't. I know logically the argument would be if it wasn't real then it would have gone away with the other hallucinations, but I can't help feeling like maybe nothing is real. I feel like I sound so stupid saying that. I took some sleep meds the other night and ended up getting up the courage to tell my husband this, and he's really supportive, and brought up my logical argument, but I still feel like I'm crazy and stupid and I just want to curl up in a ball and hide and get away from everything.

Hi ickydog2006!

I just wanted to let you know that I also question reality, more so lately. I was on anti-psychotics at one point for auditory hallucinations and, what my pdoc termed, delusions but the meds only helped with the voices. I feel it made me worse as I started to wonder if the voices had ever been real when I couldn't hear them anymore, like if I made them up for attention (though I don't know why I would've done that). In the end, the fears about whether the voices were ever real or not was worse for me than hearing the voices (even though they say horrible things about me). Plus it didn't help with my 'strange thoughts'.

Maybe this fear of whether stuff is real or not is almost a delusion? Are you on anti-psychotics? Is that why you haven't had a hallucination in a year? If so, maybe your pdoc could increase the dose and see if this feeling goes away?

Or it could be an existential worry - do you see a T you could talk this through with? For me I think this worry has been made worse by my studies as I've been reading about how social constructionists believe that your identity is constructed by oneself to fit the social situation we are in, which just made me start thinking what was real, and how we could really 'know' that things were real. I keep thinking about the Matrix film where they're really all in alien pods but they believe they are out living in the 'real world' which turns out not to be real at all...

It's confusing stuff, but it's good that you have your husband to talk to about this and get some reassurance. I do advise also talking to your T and pdoc and getting that psych eval done to see if it comes up with anything that can help you.

All the best,

*Willow*

[ickydog2006]

Thanks for responding Weeping, I haven't been seeing a therapist in the last month. We just moved across country so I've been trying to get new doctors set up. The hallucinations stopped when my doc put me on Wellbutrin. He didn't know about the hallucinations because I hadn't told anyone, partially because I thought I was dealing with them well enough off meds and partially because I thought some of them were 'normal', like the voice. The doc added the dose of Wellbutrin to my Zoloft to help even out my mood and bump up my energy level. I'm so glad you mentioned the Matrix, cause I've been trying to figure out a way to process these feelings. Somehow I know that this life is real (contrary to the movie), but if my senses have all lied to me in the past, how do I know I can trust them now.
I also, sometimes wonder if I was just imagining hallucinations I've had in the past, especially ones when I was younger, but I can't figure out why I would have, like you said, the possibility of getting attention, but that seems irrational since I was too ashamed and scared to tell anyone what I was seeing so I didn't get ANY attention for them.

[Aardwolf]

I would definatley recommend sorting out the new doc.
Its interesting you get on with Zoloft, I was not compatible with it at all, but then again I suppose we are all different !
I know how not trusting your senses can feel like, and I can't provide you with any brilliant magical way to sort it out (I wish I could !) When I was younger I never actually realised i was hallucinating untill someone would be looking at me in a rather puzzled way
Yes, life does seem to be rather irrational does it not..
Hope your doing well.
ACQPL

[Inedible]

Originally Posted by ickydog2006

It's been a year since I've had hallucinations but I can't get the fact that the stuff wasn't real out of my head. This last week it has been really getting to me and I don't know why, maybe because my doc wants me to have a psych eval, but either way, I'm freaking out inside every night. If I thought those things were real and they weren't what else do I think is real that isn't. I know logically the argument would be if it wasn't real then it would have gone away with the other hallucinations, but I can't help feeling like maybe nothing is real. I feel like I sound so stupid saying that. I took some sleep meds the other night and ended up getting up the courage to tell my husband this, and he's really supportive, and brought up my logical argument, but I still feel like I'm crazy and stupid and I just want to curl up in a ball and hide and get away from everything.

You may be right. There are new age and traditional belief systems that challenge the idea that the world as most people perceive it isn't real. However, they do warn that you still need to take care of your body, go to work, pay your bills, do your homework, or otherwise fulfill your obligations and live your life normally. Doing all of these things as you have done gives you more time to study and learn and think things through, to better understand the things you are considering. After you get through all the stuff that is false, you will reach and underlying truth. Probably more than one. These things work in cycles and you will keep going deeper.