I think my dr is helping. I meet with him today. I'm going to tell him about my history of being abused sexually while I was under 18 years old. I need to be brave.

[DePressMe]

I'll send some good thoughts your way...

We talked about a lot of stuff. I think I gave him some helpful info about myself. I feel sad and al one. I haven't slept since last night. I want to be held and soothed.

[costello]

Originally Posted by brookwest

I haven't slept since last night.

I'm sure you know this already, but sleep is hugely important. I'm a bit of a freak about sleep, mostly because I had severe chronic insomnia most of my life. My son's mental issues are strongly linked with sleep too.

There's a disease called fatal familial insomnia. It's extremely rare. It's genetic and runs in only about 40 families worldwide. What fascinates me about FFI is that once the insomnia starts, the patient begins to suffer panic attacks, paranoia, phobias, hallucinations, weight loss, and finally dementia. Sounds a lot like sz, doesn't it?

I'm convinced that - at least for some people - what we call "sz" is largely the result of lack of sleep or lack of quality sleep. That's why I get worried when anyone here says they're not sleeping.

My insomnia disappeared completely when I went on a low carb diet. After the very first day on the diet I fell asleep immediately when I closed my eyes, I slept well, and I stayed asleep until morning. That's why I'm always harping on my son (who's genetically related to me, of course, so he might share my sensitivities to carbs) to cut back on the sugars and the cheap processed carbs that make up the bulk of his diet and eat more protein and fat.

I want to be held and soothed.

Can your wife help with that? If not, what else could you do to meet that need?

Temple Grandin, who is autistic, built herself a "squeeze box" to help her meet her need for deep pressure, because she was oversensitive to actually physical contact with people.

A hammock can be soothing. A hot bath. Music.

Thanks for your advice costello. I become embarrased because I am needy on the inside. On the outside I can get by with the bare essentials. My insides crave love and affection, I've never been willing to pretend that isn't so. I'll tell my psychologist about my sleep problems. My emotional problems make me enjoy discomfort. Pain is like pleasure to me, if I allow that. I choose to limit that today. I enjoy fantasising about my end of experience in this world. It comforts me, sadly I guess.

I am going to walk today. I will get paid from work. I need to buy some groceries for dinner. I should do some housework also. It is friday, so I'll have the next two days off. Church helps me relax, I'll go there. I enjoyed some music today, I haven't listened to music for enjoyment for a few years, cept rarely. I have much music that brings my mind to better places, I should start to use this resource.

My wife isn't an affectionate person. She is here and living with me, that needs to be enough. She doesn't seem comfortable with me if I'm emotional. She says it is unatractive.

I'm afraid that you want me to go away. It isn't you. My mind does this, I think when I begin to trust someone, I become afraid. I'm afraid.

I'm not being manipulative, I just want you to like me.

thanks.

[costello]

Originally Posted by brookwest

My insides crave love and affection, I've never been willing to pretend that isn't so.

Don't pretend. More people should be as honest.

My wife isn't an affectionate person. She is here and living with me, that needs to be enough. She doesn't seem comfortable with me if I'm emotional. She says it is unatractive.

I'm sorry to hear this.

I'm afraid that you want me to go away. It isn't you. My mind does this, I think when I begin to trust someone, I become afraid. I'm afraid.

I don't want you to go away. Trust isn't easy for some people.

I'm not being manipulative, I just want you to like me.

thanks.

I know you're not being manipulative.

I'm starting to trust you more. Kinda teary, feels good really. I don't understand why you care, but I accept it. beggers can't be choosers. I am begging, I guess I don't want to see that myself. I beg, but it embarases me. It is hard for me to not hurt myself because it makes me mad that I need to beg, I should be able to fend for my own emotional needs. I can't. it hurts me to know this.