[Taliesin]

Hi, I'm new here. I'm 25 yrs old and need to get a few things off my chest. First off, I know I 'should' see a doctor about this, but I'm extremely hesitant to because I really don't think there's a genuine 'mental illness' issue. So why am I posting here? Because maybe I'm wrong, and maybe someone will see this who's experienced something similar and knows what it may be aside from some form of psychosis. Please bear with me if this get's lengthy.

Between the ages of 18 and 23 I went through a serious depression and was hospitalized twice due to suicidal threat. During my first hospitalization I was diagnosed as an early stage schizophrenic, but I seriously doubted the doctors opinion. The reason this diagnosis came about was that I told her I had 'loud thoughts' (out-of-the-blue thoughts that occured that were odd and, well, louder than my normal thinking), concentration and cognitive issues, and some paranoia that people were always talking about me, making fun of me, and reading my mind. I would 'think' back to them in insulting ways to know I was on to them. At the time, the mood issue was more prevalent to me and I regretted telling the doctor these other things and these other symptoms eventually abated as did the depression. Been off an anti-psychotic and 2 anti-depressants for 2 years now and doing well.

Now, recently I've been feeling strange. I get paranoid when out in public, again, thinking people are looking at me and mocking me (in their own minds) but I don't think they can read my mind. I live with my gf and I've unwittingly been distant. I just don't want to deal with people and definitely not be intimate with anyone. I'm having trouble reading and focusing. There's a subtle sense of unreality to everything, like the world's not right or at least not my perception of it. Just writing that got me thinking, thinking that I'm being tricked somehow and the world is fake. Anyways, I can shake such things off. Things get the worst at night. Often, I get lost in thought, but thoughts like some entity is speaking to me telepathically. One night I wrote feverishly in a notebook all the things 'it' and 'they' told me. Utter nonsense it was. These thoughts speak of 'watchers' who are keeping tabs on me, and I've had moments where I think I hear them in the walls and sense them out the window and at the top of the stairs. Sometimes these thoughts tell me they're demons and they've 'got' me. Last night, in bed, I grew increasingly terrified thinking these 'entities' did have control and were bent on ruining my life and messing with my head. Now I can see that's a ridiculous notion. I've had bad anxiety lately. I get scared that the landlord is spying on me at night, that she's placed camera's and microphones in our suite. At times, when I crawl into bed at night, it's almost like I can hear a faint whispering, but can't make out words. All these things seem very real at the time, then the next I mentally chastise myself for thinking that way.

Now, I know this probably sounds 'obviously' like the beginning of some psychotic break, but I just don't believe that. So what could it be? Stress? I don't have any real mundane stress factors aside from this weirdness going on, but I think that's the only thing it could be. Or some cancer of brain infection?

I'm extremely hesitant to see a doctor because I don't want to revisit that part of my past and I haven't told anyone close to me about this because they'll worry, tell me to see a doc, and be as unsupportive as they were during my depression. There's no real depression going on this time, though. Anyways, basically all I'm looking for is someone to talk with in private. Anybody willing, feel free to send me a private message as I don't wish to carry this on in the forums. If someone stumbled on this site, I could get fired from my job...and I just want to talk and get opinions and ideas and such. I don't think this is a psychosis issue, though I admit part of that may be fear-based and pride-based. My previous bout with mental turmoil met with a harsh reaction from my family which made things much worse. I won't take up much of anyone's time, I promise, I just need someone to talk to for a bit who won't get all bent out of shape with worry and tell me pills are the only solution. Many thanks in advance to any who reply.

[(JD)]

Welcome to psych central, talis. I'll respect your request to not discuss this much in public forums It would take quite a bit for someone in your real life to "stumble" upon this site. It is not searchable with search engines. So if you don't drop any hints irl, they won't know, imo.

I'm sorry that you received the "standard" reaction from family about seeking help. Please don't let that prevent you from self care now. IMO finding a psychiatrist/psychologist to keep secrets with is the best thing to find! TC