[minor_threat]

I am new

Here, I went into detail about whatever psychosis is controlling me but i'll keep it simple and short.

-I have HPPD from past drug use
-I am paranoid
-I have anxiety so bad it prevents me from leaving the place
-I think people talk %#@&#! about me using implications or an allusion (sometimes they do, other times they don't)
-Pressure on my ears which feels like someone is blowing or tapping my ear drums
-twitiches
-behavioual problems since young maybe mild aspergers
-loss of eye contact
-past emotional, physical and sexual abuse
-odd beliefs regarding the cat
-delusions and intense fantasies about a former love (dissapeared recently for I have found someone else)
-cybercondraic, I spend all day reading stuff on psychology in order to have an understanding of how my mind and thought process works, though I am a slow learner
-I don't want to take antipsychotics
-my behaviours aren't right
-new found stuttering in nervous situations
-depressed usually
-trich, but not pulling it out

If anyone else has psychotic disorders/schizophrenia would be of great help to relate rather then say go get some more soma and feel better. Stopped doing drugs. Annnd glad to be a part of the forum.

Have thought of seeing someone for some personal insight to live by.

Thank you for whatever help you have, sincerely.

[Beautiful_Pain]

Hi minor_threat, welcome to PC.

I don't have schizophrenia but schizo affective disorder. I get periods of psychosis, though currently on an anti-psychotic.

Mine is usually my head feels likes its condensing...smaller but heavier, I am dissolving, the world goes grey, I don't feel anything, hear voices, and sometimes feel I am sinking into the floor of my house. I get mildly paranoid while in psychosis, that people are laughing at me, want to lock me away for the most part. I get twitchy as well, during psychosis and afterward when I relax both.

I read up on alot of things affecting me too...I like to know they 'whys' of my treatment and what else may happen.

I have no therapist at the moment, see my gp for all meds (abilify for the anti psychotic, and paxil for the affective aspect).

Just thought I'd share a bit of my background, and again welcome to pc =)

[minor_threat]

Thank you for the intro.

Why just today, a simple task of going to the store for some ciggerettes, I felt odd, I walk quite odd and my head kept rushing and felt like it was floating from the top of my body, only felt this before on cough syrups. I went into the store, and the clerk was in there, now they both talk different languages all together and it got too intense within the store, this white aura formed in on my outer field of vision and I started rocking back and forth uncontroablly, the guy spoke up and smiled handed me the ciggerettes and I was so damn spacey right after, both of their tones of voices and looks in their eyes looked uneasy. Walking I thought to myself, "schizophrenia is weird then they have no idea what is happening" I look no more then 10 feet away from me and a father walking his kid was giving the exact same look, he looked ahead while I must've gave him the creeps.

%#@&#!, I can't leave the place for more then 20 minutes to get hard looks from everybody I cross sights with, constant mumbling and those weird space outs.

What the hell is wrong with me?!

Since I can predict the future (no fib) I know I will die or something will happen to me and I will die someway or somehow.

Uhhh...

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Hi and welcome I dated a dude who needed his psych meds and when he took them he was fine..once it was in his system at theraputic levels..I hope somehow you can make you take your meds then all this %#@&#! in your head and that your body feels will go away

HUGS

Hi and Welcome!

I really think it's up to each individual whether or not they feel meds work for them. I've read in some cases meds have made people more psychotic..... and yet other cases where some can't get by without their meds. Some people have succeeded in dealing with mental illness without meds... like one well known person--- John Nash ( the real guy from- A Beautiful Mind).

In my opinion --the modern society has got many thinking that we are helpless in our own minds without meds---- I personally don't agree. --- Although it may hold true for some...... I don't believe that meds are the "be all and end all" for many. There are other alternatives.... like I recently read about "gluten" in the diet causing some to have a chemical imbalance in the brain--- mimicking schizophrenia-- so just eliminating that helped some people. It sounds like you are willing to go that extra step in finding out as much as you can--- I think that's great!!

I do however think it is very important to have some type of therapy-- behavioral, cognitive or some other kind, to help one control and understand their thoughts.

There are therapists out there that will treat without medication. Perhaps you could start in that direction.... looking for a therapist that won't bring up the medication subject to you.

I wish you peace and healing--- Good luck!!

mandy

[dramaqueen]

Wow!this is the first time i have ever really wanted to open up about what i feel an whats going on in my twisted little headwell,to begin,i married young,16,an had my first child at the age of 18,my husband became controlling an abusive,i fell deeper in to drugs,more like i used drugs as a non prescribed medication.at the age of 22,i noticed i was forming really bad health harming habits,like,id chew toilet paper constintly,i i do to this day,it seems to calm my nerves,thats not my probvlem though,my problem is i hate my self,,,always have,i think about death alot an if id kill my self if my kids werent here.i wake up an ill an with a bad outlook for the rest of the days,i take my frustration out on my children an crace what ever drug i can get at the moment,its more than an addition,drugs dont make happy,actually they make me further into my own personal hell,wich i do believe excist,i get annoyed very easily by every one around me,i have a longing for the time i spend alone with my own hopes which i dont really have many,i harm my body,pop pills,smoke pot,drink,all day,where is my piece?i was diagnosed with dysthymia a few years ago an i think i need a new diagnoses,the celexa isnt working

[Beautiful_Pain]

If your meds aren't working, I would advise you to get to a doc asap. I know how it is when meds aren't working--its how I ended up in the hospital again this week! I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to open up here, welcome to PC.

[mlyn]

Stay straight and sober a year or two and then decide. Had vehicles moving in parking lot in first two years of being clean and sober. addicts knew what I was talking about phd's would have put me on meds.
mlyn

[minor_threat]

nothing on but the radio February 5, 2006

I really hate when I'm just laying there in my bed and I'm thinking things. Just thinking. I get so deep in this thought the thoughts in my head don't stay there. Everything said in my head is said outside my head and it's like that for a few seconds, and then it stops, and I continue to think inside my head. Just completely random words are outside my head, then I'm thinking back in my head again. It happened last night. That isn't the first time it's happened, it happens every so often. I remember one time I was thinking something and then for some reason I kept thinking my name over and over again. Then this loud voice said my name two times outside my head, and went back into my head. It scared me, like, me almost jumping out my bed kind of scare. I couldn't really fall asleep after that.

Been listening to a lot of Gary Allen lately. He's a good country singer. I could listen to him all day. Especially, "Smoke Rings in the Dark," I could listen to just that song all day. In fact, I have. I need to go in the car and find the CD of him we have, I know we have it, because I've seen it. But if I go looking for it, I won't find it. That gets annoying.

I hate looking at my room because it's not clean anymore, but I don't want to clean it. Those moods are annoying. The, yeah-this-is dirty-and-I-hate-it-but-I-really-just-don't want-to-do-anything-today mood. Which will screw me over today because I have English homework that has to be typed, so I can't write it up three minutes before class.

^ That is my friend I met online, we're hung up on fantasy about getting away from these lives and making things better then the now which distorts our future.

Advice was given, but not through what may be happening to her, no delusions, yet. I hear her voice before falling asleep now. I usually break the %#@&#! down in tears about it.

How does a high school dropout and someone like that make it in this world with problems such as? Is it too much to put aside this horrid past and hope for more?

Most of you think this alot as so do I. Why me? Why not someone who deserves it.

[ovidblue]

wow.

Reading about what other people have been through on these threads has made me feel so grateful that my symptoms are not worse, and Im amazed at some of the insightful sensible advice you all give each other too.

So far, Ive never heard an actual voice, outside my head, not really anyway, but, I have had the experiance that I could hear people talking about me outside and everytime I got up to the french doors to listen to what they were saying, they would stop, and Im absolutely convinced, or have been in the past, that there are messages for me on the radio. I should stop listening to it really, but sometimes, when Im fairly sane like now,its just a delusional little thought and its sort of seductive, makes me feel less alone.

I have in the past thought that I was being watched and stalked, and when i was very ill, I thought I was posessed, I could almost feel something moving inside of me.EEK! lol

The hardest thing to cope with is that its just so unbearably lonely to have all this going on, my friends cant really cope. They vascilate between telling me theres absolutely nothing wrong with me and occasionaly admitting I might have a bit of a problem.But its not something I can talk to them about.

They know Ive been on antipsychotics, but oddly enough, Im therir counsellor, everyone seems to come to me for someone to talk to and advice.

But, I cant even sort my own life out.

Does anyone get really weird panic attacks, - its like a black space opening upinside your head?

[Malady156]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
ovidblue said:
Im absolutely convinced, or have been in the past, that there are messages for me on the radio. I should stop listening to it really, but sometimes, when Im fairly sane like now,its just a delusional little thought and its sort of seductive, makes me feel less alone.

I have in the past thought that I was being watched and stalked, and when i was very ill, I thought I was posessed, I could almost feel something moving inside of me.EEK! lol

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You mean those four songs in sequence, especially when they added "Beast and Harlot" by Avenged Sevenfold to the mix the day after Cain came around, was just a coincidence??? They really DIDN'T KNOW I was stuck in traffic and it was March 2 of all days??? LOL.

Seriously though, I always get messages from songs, and when certain songs are on the radio and all of them are "significant" all in a row it's like "They" are communicating with me. LOL

I get the possession thing too. I actually kind of like it, which makes it hard for me to fight it. Also because when it happens it's like my own identity -- thoughts, feelings, choices, purposes, desires, sense of self, etc. -- is being completely overwritten with this other person that They can control easily, or something.

Weird stuff -- but I know how to "maintain" -- how to pass for normal -- most of the time. When it gets really intense and I can't fake human, I isolate so I don't get caught being crazy.

Tried some APs but they never did much for me. Geodon made me feel like I was on low-grade LSD all the time, but NOT in a good way. Abilify at any dose over 7.5 mg would give me the total creepycrawlies to where I was literally crawling in my skin and couldn't be still. There's a fancy $1.00 word for that but it eludes me right now ...

[insideout]

what's HPPD?