[ovidblue]

I first really became truly psychotic around the time I fell in love with someone very deeply,a lot of my psychosis can be about love,(I imagine someone is playing particular songs for me on the radio and watching me, so I play songs back to them, lol, I know, Im really realy silly, but that description doesnt explain the full experiance or how seductive and equally terrifying it can be) and when i feel myself falling in love again, it freaks me out, and I stay awake all night going loopy, does anyone else experiance similar? this is such an unbearably lonely place to be in.

[ovidblue]

in addition, the anti psychotics take away my ability to really feel love or anything else properly, they leave me numb, and I dont experiance falling in love or lust etc, or maybe its just that my mind has cut off to it, because when those feelings come up, they send me mad again, and it scares me. Sometimes I feel like something evil is making sure I stay on my own. I dont know. Feeling a bit desperate tonight. And very misunderstood. <font color="red"> </font>

[ovidblue]

I see this section doesnt get a lot of action,so I shall continue talking to myself. Maybe all of us nutters are too busy communicating with our invisible CIA agents et al to talk on here. (that was a joke BTW, a bad one, but a joke,seeing as noone here knows me yet!).

I have been off meds for a while, took myself off because I wanted to lose some weight, but I was feeling fragile the other day after having a really bad cold for a week and foolishly took 15mg olanzipine,it knocked me out for nearly 24 hours, God alone knows what that did to my brain chemistry,wont be doing that again in a hurry.evermind,see Psychiatrist tomorrow.

I was thinking, it could be the dopamine Im having a problem with....apparantly you get dopamine hits when you fall in love, and anti psychotics affect your dopamine inhibitors, dont they?

Probably all a lot deeper than that, but its an explaination.

Anyway, I have been feeling ever so slightly psycho this week, I have a lot on my mind, and I was starting to get feelings for someone again, but thats all finished now. So my feelings are hurt, but its fine, Im not remotely ready for a relationship anyway.

I suppose Im just exhausted from the effort of being ill and worrying about lots of things in my life and being slightly psycho, Im just so so tired its untrue.

This is really holding my life up. I cant attend college right now, and Im barely keeping the house tidy. But we must struggle on I suppose. There are so many things I would have done in my life if I had a firmer grip on reality and wasnt so drained all the time with depression, anxiety and the risk of psychosis. It makes me feel a bit useless really, like I dont have aproper purpose in life. If I cant cope with college i can hardly hold down a job, can I? And I cant cope with relationships either or look after my children properly, so I cant even be useful as a stay at home mum.

Nevermind, feeling a bit negative, it just hurts so much inside to have been through these experiances and to be aware of a much blacker side of life or place within my mind and have noone that understands.

Its like a big wound in my heart that just bleeds and bleeds.

At the same time, if I do have some energy, I find it really helps to make other people feel good about themselves, thats my contribution to society at the moment I think.But I always wanted to do something exceptional with my life. Delusions of granduer from a young age? Who knows.

But its difficult when I have so many issues in my own head that I need to discuss and experiances that I need to communicate and its just too much for other people to get.So that leaves me alone in my misery.

I wouldnt wish it upon anyone anyway. Not even my ex husband,lol!

On a happy note, I have had a really beautifulpsychotic experiance too, a few years ago. Maybe it wasnt a psychotic thing, maybe it was real. I think it might have been.

I was in the darkest pit of despair and the grief that I was feeling was physical, worse than being in labour, I saw no way out and was lying on my bed, and I said to God, look, if I kill myself right now you cant really blame me because this is unbearable. A few seconds later, I was filled with the most amazing feeling, it was one of those experiances that you cant even recreate in your head let alone describe accurately, like being in labour, you just remember the story of it, but cant feel it again because its so out of the ordinary.

It was like a golden light had filled my whole body and I was overcome with happiness.

This went on for a few days and when I went out and about, it was as if an artist had painted my whole world in the brightest of colours and my whole perception had changed (like putting in new contact lenses for the first time) and I felt peaceful towards everything and everybody, and really sort of 'connected' is the word people use isnt it? I looked around and thought,'oh! we are all just people, we are all the same!' which makes no sense,and I no longer understand what I meant by it now, but like when you are on drugs,like canabis, it makes sense and has a deeper meaning at the time.

In the end I had to pray for the feeling to stop because my body couldnt handle it, and it went away again. I had another few days a while after feeling similar, but nothing to that extent,or that intensity, I even looked really great as well, I was all glowy and bright eyed etc.

I wish I could just have a small taste of this feeling again, but never have.

Maybe it was mania, but I dont really get manic.

I like to believe that it was something else.

I just wanted to share it because,I want to remind myself and anyone else that nice things can happen too.

Even when it seems like theres no hope.

In fact, especially then.

Take care all, and hugses.