Things are really hard for me right now...

I am so constantly confused. I have been since my appointment last week was cancelled because we couldn't find the building since it was moved. But now that we have the right address, I'm going on Monday. It's disappointing, though, because I was really hoping to be fully coherent for my first visit. But at every moment during the day that I DO have a right mind, I've been writing small notes to convey what I've been feeling/thinking that has been weird so I can bring that with me in case I have a hard time speaking.

It's been such a strange week. It barely feels like it has even existed; my memory of it is so vague & split. There's been this intermittent low-grade confusion & paranoia that I have a hard time conveying. I have a hard time conveying anything. Words don't look right if I concentrate too hard & words are hard to verbalize without it all sounding incorrect.

My hallucinations have been minimal; nothing as vivid as my first couple of months on the site. And my delusions haven't been bizarre like they were not too long ago; thinking I was dead or God or my bodyparts were being stolen. I think I've become a hypochondriac... And I've been worried about being spied on by the government thanks to CISPA, so I've spent a ridiculous amount of hours trying to learn about data encryption.

I don't remember what the point of this post was. I suppose just to remind everyone I exist because I've been feeling so reclusive lately... Even to my boyfriend & my good friends, I'm having a hard time having fun or feeling close to anyone. These thoughts are so overwhelming. From the moment I wake up, even something as minor as being spoken to alienates me & makes me feel like I'm being targetted. I'm not so sure if I'm Bipolar anymore. Maybe it's just my ASPD impulsivity/boredom cycles combined with some type of schizophrenia or psychosis... I'll find out when I go see someone regularly. I'd just like to figure this out before I stop having the motivation.

Oh. And a question? From just before I turned 17, which is when I started to have weird symptoms, I've had strange hyperactive tics that occur when I'm stressed out. One day it even happened for 11 hours straight, which even after half an hour gets really exhausting. My head turns to the side, my arms flail outward... When it happens, it feels weird. It feels impulsive but also involuntary? And sometimes it's accompanied by really weird violent thoughts. Does anyone know what this could be?

Sorry you're struggling right now, Shay. I'm glad you're getting in to see the doctor on Monday. And I think it's a healthy sign that you're trying to keep in touch with people - even if it's just us here on the forum.

I don't know what the tics are that you describe in your last paragraph.

About hypochondria: my son gets what my sister calls "his body dysmorphic thing" when he's not doing well. It seems like he's becoming obsessed with his physical health, but it's usually odd things - like thinking his skull has begun growing again and is growing around his hat band or thinking his blood vessels are bursting or breaking down. I suppose it could look like hypochrondria, but I don't think it is really.

: ] Yeah, I've been isolating a lot lately. For a while (the middle of last month?) it was to pursue my spiritual stuff & keep a clear head. Remove my connections to the outside world that could distract or stress me. But after my motivation for that faded, it's just been kind of strange... It cycles.

My hypochondria is mainly mental. My recent preoccupation has been catatonic schizophrenia, since the tics have been showing up again. It's been over a year since I've had them really bad & they've only picked up recently.
But I CAN tell when I'm getting bad because I feel like I can see all of my veins surfacing & freak out. I've even attributed this to vampirism before because it usually happens at night. XD
When I start thinking my "hypochondria" is normal, considering my lack of knowing what is going on with me, I feel like I'm being delusional... It's almost funny how rational thought makes less sense than my truly odd ones.

Thank you for responding. You're always so helpful & nice. I'll definitely have to ask the psych individual about that... My friends used to joke that I had Tourette's because I would curse so often, though that wasn't related at all. It was just their way of dealing with my weird. Lol

It sounds like you have a lot of insight into what's going on with you. I really think it's necessary to fight the tendency to isolate, because other people can give you feedback on the odder thoughts and provide some balance.

I force myself to have insight. When I'm not totally losing it, I try to write as much as I can about it so hopefully I can understand the bigger picture. I think I'd be fine if things stayed where they are now... It would be annoying, but I think I've handled it well thus far. I just don't want to see myself get worse. I don't know how I would survive if I didn't have these moments of total clarity.

Hi Shay
It's been a long time since I have posted anything. In your last paragraph You mention
having tics. It's called tardive dyskinesia, and is caused from taking anti psychotic meds.
The hardest part for me, is not having any control. I don't even realize it's happening most of the time. Have you ever taken anti psychotic meds?
I could be wrong, but you should ask your doc about it. I hope this has been helpful.

Sincerely,

sardean

I've never been on ANY medications! :/

That's why it's so weird. But yeah, I'll have to do that. Thanks though!!

You mention the tics show up when your stress level elevates. Maybe it's simply a conversion disorder (which is psychological in nature and often linked to stress). Of course I'm not a doc, but like sardean said, it may be worth mentioning to one.

That's an interesting idea!! I'm definitely going to ask about that... Because it's not always triggered by IMMEDIATE stressors. Sometimes it can take a few days & *blam* I look like I have a seizure condition. So it doesn't seem like a typical nervous tic. And it's a bit too complex. Hahaha thank you so much! XD

Just got denied for college for the third time in a row because it's going to take too long to process my paperwork on time. School has been my biggest stressor, on top of the anticipation for the psychologist; I'm taking it well now but I know I won't be doing that great come a few days from now... Or even tomorrow. I'm so sick of being disappointed. All I want is to be in college so I can have that structure. That drive to succeed. Because when I get listless, the pressure in my mind increases tenfold.

On the positive side, I got an appointment. It was just to do paperwork & talk about the problems I'm having, but at least I'm in the system. It's a university-run program for the public. So it only runs through the spring & fall semesters... So I won't be able to see anyone come June. But the man said he'd try to expedite my file so I can get in an appointment or two before they close for the summer! And he gave me some local emergency numbers, so I think I'll be okay.

Also, Costello? Do you think the possibility is there that I could have high-functioning Autism? Based on our discussion in the other thread... The odd tics I talked about... And I just found out from my Mother yesterday that I displayed OCD symptoms at two years old. That's really weird to consider, but IDK if that's just me being a hypochondriac again, lol!!

I don't know. That's never been my impression of you, but obviously I've never met you. I guess the reason I think sz is similar to autism b/c of my son's tendency to retreat into some inner world, even to be overwhelmed by too much stimuli, when he's not doing well.

I associate high functioning autism with people who act like that character on Big Bang Theory. You know, tone deaf to social cues. I don't have that impression from you.

I'm not sure that high functioning autistics have the stereotypical movements. And I don't think they're tic-like. I had the impression they were more like hand flapping or head banging. Deliberate repeated motions.

But I'll confess I don't know much about autism. Maybe I should have said that first instead of last!

I remember talking to a little boy who was dx'd with high funtioning autism. Personally I found him to be very appealing, but I was only around him for a few hours at a picnic. I can see how he might be challenging if he were your fulltime responsibility, 24/7. My impression was that he got onto a subject and wouldn't let go. It was very difficult to divert his attention. I remember he saw a poster for a missing dog and wanted to go search for it. His mother kept saying 'no,' but he couldn't seem to let it go. I guess that could come off as being OCD.

sometimes i have wondered if i have aspergers or high functioning autism...
ive been "accused" of having it many times in my life.
by teachers, students, random people, and online.
too many times to not wonder.
it was mostly because my eye contact...and then not talking. most people thought i was mute. they literally had no idea i could talk. even a few teachers.
my past and current social history is severely lacking
plus other stuff.

but...


i think some can be like that.
but idk i dont have it or know anyone.

Thanks costello!! I'm probably just getting paranoid again. I'm not really tone deaf to social cues, per se, but I reject them. I've been told I'm charismatic? But I'm just stupidly honest, to the point of offensive, & people laugh at it. Lol
I do what your son does. When my thoughts get to be too much, I'm on another planet. I don't speak & I get overwhelmed when someone disrupts it or even so much as looks me in the eye...
And I totally agree, newtus! Lol I always got told the same thing by people. But I think it's just because I'm gifted & minimally social. So people pick up on the quirkiness, intellectual concreteness/being a walking trivia resource, & difficulty relating.

Either way, yeah. I'm already slightly in "fargoneville". It's not bad, but I can feel the disconnectedness slowly approaching. I saw a halo of bees around my boyfriend's head today... I'd like to put that imagery in a poem. While I still can! : )
I need sleep, so I'm having a hard time shutting up. Forgive me for rambling!

I think I'm going to start using this thread to make notes... Kind of like a public journal. I don't know why I feel safer doing that. It's so public & I usually worry about being spied on, but maybe if I die there will be a record so someone can figure out what happened.

I saw Slenderman watching me in the shower. I've always been inhumanly frightened of being killed while showering... Even before watching 80's slasher movies. I know he wasn't REALLY there, but I kept seeing him creep closer. And then he'd disappear. Every time I bent over to shave, I'd feel a heavy energy over me. A shadow. Someone's there, but I couldn't see them... I don't like that.

Droning, humming, electric noises are coming back again. And the sound of a polaroid camera being snapped from behind me. I don't know who'd be interested enough to spy on me, but I'm not amused. Hopefully I can sleep soon... I hope this gets better by tomorrow.

Oh, sorry hun - that's really crap! I hope you can get is ASAP.

I know this wasn't addressed at me, but I've known a few people (myself included) who were diagnosed as autistic/asperger's as children, which was then "upgraded" as an adult to schizophrenia. I don't think anyone can tell you except a psychiatrist what you "have".
Reading information about autism might help you, though? The books tend to be mostly about self-help strategies, so you could implement them without medical intervention to see if it helps.

Thanks fish... I'm just going to try getting a job, hopefully cleaning hotels in the tourist areas in the meantime. And I'm going to submit my paperwork for fall in the next few days so they can't say anything about being "late" or whatever. :/

That information my Mum gave really bothered me. I mean, I knew I've been weird since birth, but I wonder how far back everything really goes... ****s with my head a little bit. But I've found a lot of soothing techniques online for assisting what I used to think was a sensory processing disorder. But it was just the onset of the crazy. Haha

Ugh. I don't look forward to tonight. For some reason, it always gets worse the longer I'm awake, even if I'm not sleep deprived. But I AM sleep deprived because the paranoia followed me into my dreams & I kept having night terrors...

Be careful with that. As a parent of a child with a challenging mental problem, I well know the temptation we parents have to go back over the past in our minds looking for "warning signs" and trying to figure out if we did something wrong and if we could have changed the trajectory of our kids' lives if we'd only been smarter or stronger. Much of what's "discovered" that way is nonsense.

I knew a woman once who worried that her son was short because she'd tried to breastfeed him when he was an infant and failed to produce enough milk. I wanted to say, "Here's a clue. You're short. Your husband's short. You produced a short son." I mean this was a smart lady, but parents can be really dumb about this kind of thing.

Hahaha thank you for that. I'm still feeling oddly & am constantly in a mood to overanalyze things... But your example was hilarious! Though that adds an interesting factor. My Mum's crazy, my Dad's crazy, therefore they produced two crazy kids. Hahahah :P

How's your son doing now?

lol... Ok, don't go there!

He's better. He was very apologetic last night. I stayed home from work sick today, so I was available to talk when he woke up. We had a nice chat before he had to leave for work. We're considering have him rent an apartment that my sister owns.

I was just teasing. :P

And that's good to hear!! It'd be nice for him to have some independance. Especially since he seems to have been doing well, even with that mild slip up recently!

:/ So I got off the phone with my Mum again today. And I guess since she's getting comfortable with the fact that I have a condition, she keeps telling me stuff from my youth that connects to it... Which intrigues me, but bothers me a little. I won't tell her it does because I don't like to convey I'm paranoid while I'm paranoid. Trying to explain exacerbates it. But evidently, when I was younger, I would think all of the people on the tv & in movies were looking back at me & watching me... No matter what it was. Music videos, cartoons, the news, etc. Ugh.

When I was small, we had a painting of Jesus in the house. One day my mother propped it against the wall in the hallway leading to my and my sister's bedroom. We were both convinced the eyes were following us. We were so afraid to walk past it that one of our parents had to escort us to and from our bedroom.

Hahahaha :d

My mum did this when the docs first started telling her that I was crazy. Suddenly, every stupid kid thing I did became an omen of me one day becoming bonkers in the nut - an omen she "missed". Everything from my 'phase where I would only eat round food' (which I imagine was not so much a 'phase' but a period of excessive bagel consumption when I was nine) to my great love of telling people my father grew up during the War (he did) became an indicator of my "mental illness".
The psychiatrists had a field day with the information; I was too drugged out of my mind to take any notice.

Isn't Jesus watching you meant to be comforting?

I think we'd just seen a Three Stooges show where there was a portrait on the wall with the eyes cut out so someone behind it could spy on people.

Also I didn't come from a particularly religious family. My dad was an atheist and my mom an agnostic. I'm not sure I even knew who Jesus was. I don't know why we even had that picture. It never actually hung on the wall that I remember. Must have been a gift from someone who didn't know much about my parents.

Jesus also had a beard in the picture which - in the mid 1960's - I associated with hippies - who I was scared of.

It just adds to the humor of the story that it happened to be the Good Shepherd that had my sister and me so terrified.