i would appreciate an opinion.

that was dream. and it was SO close to becoming true...like seriously true. it was far off but i had so much persistance that i could practically smell the success. i felt that i just KNEW it was gonna happen. i knew it and no one could ever tell me otherwise. i think it helped that i have family thats in the movie business. extended family. they live in california though not my state.

i opted out of major hollywood motion pictures because i knew my creativity would eventually be stifled there after so long. (thats how they seem to work) but i decided id do indie films. when i started getting sicker i said i was gonna do underground film work (and i STILL want to). but the wanting to do it has never left me. underground film is like the bottom thread of that kind of career whereas a major studio work is at the top. but...its that bottom thread i still cling onto. its my dream...ill never let it go. i dont care if all i have are the thoughts of it. im never letting it go.

You don't have to be at the top of your profession to be happy, successful, fulfilled, or to create important work!! You only really have to aim for the top if you want to be filthy, stinking rich.

Do you want to start on underground filmmaking now/soonish? What could you do to get back involved?

no i dont think you get it.

i KNEW i didnt need good grades. i didnt care.

and i didnt want to be at the top because i already recognized howd they limit my creativity. hollywood is a money maker thats all. the real films are indie or underground. the ones with REAL meaning to them. THATS WHO I AM.

if you ask me. ive been making films my whole life. ive always been a filmmaker.

im technically a professional musician. ive been paid to play at venues. real money. real business. i just never stay in things long. its the motherf**ker of an illness.

oh well. this is ridiculous.

the past is the past. its over. its not happening. it never will.
goodbye.

im not talking about memories like that ever again.

THE MAIN ISSUE AT HAND IS WHO IS FOLLOWING ME. OK.
I IGOT MY LIFE AT STAKE HERE
IF SOMEONEE DOESNT DO SOMETHING I MAY NOT BE HERE TOMORROW OR THE NEXT DAY FROM MURDER. KUREHA KNOWS THIS. SO IM DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT STARTING WITH THE MAIL AND MEDIA.

I JUST SENT SOME PHOTOS UP TO KANSAS.

Again, as someone who works in the media . . . we're very unlikely to publish things like that. It's not news -- certainly not news we're allowed to publish. Censorship most certainly exists.

Can you think of some other way to help yourself out of this? It sounds very frightening to be followed.

I probably don't get it . . . my whole life has been about grades and academic achievement, and getting money out of them. That was my route out of being an "ill" person; maybe filmmaking and music can be yours. I remember you saying you play the drums -- do you play anything else, or perhaps sing?

im just a lowlife now

I don't think you're a lowlife. That word only applies to people who do evil things, and I don't think you do.

no comment.

actually it depends on what you think is evil. ive been called devil child many times by kids in high school. as much as i hate that nickname it was rightfully true. the severity of things ive done in my life is not something im proud of.

Just because other people call you something doesn't mean it's true.

Why do you think you deserved this name?!

#1. when i say something it doesnt mean i agree with it or am saying its true. i think i usually say in the context.

#2 i dont think i should say regarding the legality of all these things

You're not a lowlife.

the voices are horrible at night

they have been coming back now

this is a support forum right?

i have something i need to get off my chest

Newtus I just want you to know that I believe all the stuff about the stalking, I know what they are like.

[QUOTE=newtus;2400857]#1. when i say something it doesnt mean i agree with it or am saying its true. i think i usually say in the context. [.quote]

Well, yes, I had imagined as much. I just wanted to know why you said you deserved it?!?

That's fine

What do you need to get off your chest?

ive been abusing the antianx

......

Is it prescribed as needed or a regular dosage? Can someone hold on to it for you and give it to you?

regular. but what im saying is i like it.
i like the feeling.

thank you i appreciate that

Yes, I get that, but you shouldn't be abusing it.

If you take more of your meds than you're supposed to at one time, then you won't have it later when you really need it. Plus, it will stop working right. It might feel good now, but it will just make you feel worse later.

Hugs ((((((( newtus ))))))))