[ickydog2006]

Just having a little pity party. I've been kind of in a rut lately with the "Why the hell do I have to go through this; Why do I have to be crazy?" I just am feeling really down, feeling like a freak, and knowing that although meds help control my symptoms, they arn't a cure. I'm always going to be f'ed up and my only option is to learn how to live knowing that I'm a freak for life.

((((icky))))

[volatile]

you're not a freak. you're beautiful.

[Gr3tta]

You are not a freak. Everybody has challenges, and everybody has weird things about them. It doesn't make anyone a freak, it just makes us each unique.
I'm sorry you're struggling right now.

[costello]

Sorry you're having a hard time right now. I don't think you're a freak. We're all unique and have something special to offer.

[fishsandwich]

I'm not going to TELL you you're not a freak, because if that's how you feel, it's how you feel. I sure feel that way sometimes. *I* don't think you're a freak, though.

Also, is it necessarily a bad thing?

I mean, if Rick James can write a best-selling hit about it . . .

[Gr3tta]

Good point. I can think of much worse things to be than a freak.

[fishsandwich]

I'd rather be a freak than a psychiatrist!

[Wayfarer25]

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

I'd rather be a freak than a psychiatrist!

oh my god. so true.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

I'd rather be a freak than a psychiatrist!

i have this card game called illuminati and theres a card in their labeled "Psychiatrists" and beneath it it says "Persistent - High Income - Weird"

[unaluna]

hey icky. yeah that's kinda what I was asking my T today - what did you ever expect of me; what can I expect of myself? idk.

[RunningEagleRuns]

i've felt the same way. sometimes life is hard, especially with a chronic illness.. just know people have gone through and are going through the same sort of thing your going through.

sometimes I have a pity party too.

I wish it were like when you had the flu as a kid, were everyone would be nice to you and give you a break because of your flu...

doesnt usually work like that with a mental illness. =?

[Wayfarer25]

Originally Posted by RunningEagleRuns

I wish it were like when you had the flu as a kid, were everyone would be nice to you and give you a break because of your flu...

doesnt usually work like that with a mental illness. =?

i feel the same way. 99% of the time i wish i had some disfiguring physical illness instead of being schizoaffective. it seems people have a hard time sympathizing with you if you don't look physically ill or maimed.

"oh you got mauled by a tiger? i feel for you. let's set up a donation fund to pay for your medical bills."

"oh, you're schizophrenic? get away from me, psycho." and they back away like you've got the black plague.

[ickydog2006]

I don't tell most people because of the stigma. But hiding my true feelings and urges brings a lot of shame. I don't know how I can possibly accept myself. More importantly I don't know if I should. The more I accept myself the more I feel I should embrace my differences. I know a lot of my friends would say, "Who cares what other people think; be you." But they don't fully understand the consequences of me "being me" and going with my 'natural instincts' and desires.

[ickydog2006]

And I'm already seeing how they would respond to those consequences, since the end result would be as negative as that of other current events.
I.e. I know they don't want me to be me if they knew the results.

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by newtus

i have this card game called illuminati and theres a card in their labeled "Psychiatrists" and beneath it it says "Persistent - High Income - Weird"

Funny they don't have "arrogant", "grandiose" and "delusional" in there somewhere.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by ickydog2006

I don't tell most people because of the stigma. But hiding my true feelings and urges brings a lot of shame. I don't know how I can possibly accept myself. More importantly I don't know if I should. The more I accept myself the more I feel I should embrace my differences. I know a lot of my friends would say, "Who cares what other people think; be you." But they don't fully understand the consequences of me "being me" and going with my 'natural instincts' and desires.

can most people tell if your mentally ill even if you say nothing?

[ickydog2006]

No. Others can't tell unless I say something. Even when I was unmedicated it was hard for others to tell.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by ickydog2006

No. Others can't tell unless I say something. Even when I was unmedicated it was hard for others to tell.

you are quite lucky. in my eyes.
people can tell i am in public. i KNOW the look.
im really not sure/aware how i carry myself/behave but i DO KNOW 'the look'.
you know?
if i didnt take my meds is usually when i get taken to the hospital in public. even though i DO try to "behave" and whatnot.

[ickydog2006]

Some people would look at me strange or think it was weird when I spaced out or couldn't concentrate on what they were saying (hallucinations are very
distracting), occasionally they would see me close my eyes while driving (to drive through a hallucination), or talk to my voice (they just thought I was muttering to myself though). Nothing major, I'd only scream and cry at the voice in private. My OCD, panic and conversion disorder were much more noticable.

[Wayfarer25]

Originally Posted by ickydog2006

Some people would look at me strange or think it was weird when I spaced out or couldn't concentrate on what they were saying (hallucinations are very
distracting), occasionally they would see me close my eyes while driving (to drive through a hallucination), or talk to my voice (they just thought I was muttering to myself though). Nothing major, I'd only scream and cry at the voice in private. My OCD, panic and conversion disorder were much more noticable.

i'm kinda the same way. i'm not really a talker anyway. selective mutism, i think it's called. i'm also non-confrontational. so i don't really react to the voices or visual hallucinations. i've caught myself a couple times before i actually shout out loud at something in my head or something i see. otherwise i come across as looking or being ok. the only time people seem to notice is when i withdraw and stop being friendly w/ patients at work or whatever. then they say, what's wrong? and i say, i'm just tired. which is all crap, but whatever.