[newtus]

i just decided to post this.

i did some reading and starting thinking what are my own reasons for why i have this. ever since i got disability so fast im wondering how F-d up i must be to get it so quick. my state is maybe easygoing but people still take years to get it.

how true is it that its genetic for me?
idk...lets see...if one supports that idea:

• i was a premature baby
• i had an older father
• my mother drank

but thats so...idk..

on the other hand i agree more on the trauma part in my life:

• seeing someone attempt murder upclose
• seeing my father almost die twice recently - once with him bleeding on me
• severe emotional/psychological bullying from mother
• various things like my attempted suicides - almost drowning in a lake - seeing my father almost drown - etc. i could literally go on

but how does it connect.
i mean a little stress i learned makes me go into a psychosis fairly easily. maybe why ive been in the hospital around 10 times now.

its 3am. im up. this is what happens. cant sleep so i just drink coffee.

[costello]

Hope you figure it out. I spend too much time wondering "what went wrong" too. Sometimes I think it's a waste of time. Sometimes ... idk. My son was such a happy, loving little boy. What happened?

Going into psychosis from a very slight stress seems to be typical. So many people then spend their lives trying to avoid all stress. Not possible. I think one should slowly build up stress tolerance. Like working out in the gym for muscles. Practice working with tiny stresses until you get stronger.

I've been listening to Daniel Goldman's Social Intelligence. He talks about how some babies are born with a greater startle reflex and get stressed by new things. These babies tend to become shy children. BUT ... if the parent pushes the naturally shy child to go outside his or her comfort zone, he or she will become bolder. The children whose parents shielded them remained timid.

The same technique is used with phobias - gradually increasing exposure to the feared object or situation.

I don't see why the same can't be done for people who stress easily.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by costello

My son was such a happy, loving little boy. What happened?

my parents said that about me. i felt a definite shift when i hit puberty at 9 but before then i was sad inside. thats what i remember.

Originally Posted by costello

Going into psychosis from a very slight stress seems to be typical.

i can see that.
i cant handle stress easy at all.

Originally Posted by costello

I've been listening to Daniel Goldman's Social Intelligence. He talks about how some babies are born with a greater startle reflex and get stressed by new things. These babies tend to become shy children. BUT ... if the parent pushes the naturally shy child to go outside his or her comfort zone, he or she will become bolder. The children whose parents shielded them remained timid.

i was told i was a shy child but i CAN say by age 13 if anything is when i started withdrawing. i became gothic - renounced my religion and became an athiest (i dont remember why really. i am back to my religion not long after i did that) - i started cutting myself - i ended up in my first psych hospital with severe depression after attempting to hang myself...yea.

ETC.
but idk HOW i got into that. i had no friends then too (like now).
anyway the main points are. i started going downhill fast after that. then i started smoking cigarettes and did some pot at 15. i withdrew from people more than ever. i still do and the asocialness increases every year. but right now i think ive hit as bad as i can get so it can only level out. i mean i leave my house 1-2 times a week maybe 3. i know NO ONE except my 3 family members..parents etc. i dont work. ill do school online. i dont go out to social stuff. etc etc etc.

[Gr3tta]

newtus do you want to go out and do more things, but feel unable to, or do you have no interest in being more social and going more places?

[newtus]

Originally Posted by Gr3tta

newtus do you want to go out and do more things, but feel unable to, or do you have no interest in being more social and going more places?

i dont really have an interest so much in being social but im so afraid of people i cant go do things on my own. like by myself. you know?

[Gr3tta]

yea that makes sense to me. i love my wife, but beyond that i really couldn't care less about seeing any other people, or being social at all. i don't like to try new things on my own either, but sometimes i'll do practice runs to work up to it if it's something i have to or really want to do.

[newtus]

i mean grocery shoppping or the library...just whatever. i cant do any of that by myself most times because im afraid of people. im afraid of what they will do to me. kill me? shank me? i can practically feel the crosshairs on the back of my skull.

[Gr3tta]

yea stuff like the grocery store is where i was able to help myself with trial runs. i'd drive or walk by it several times, then go in and just walk through quickly and leave, and work up to actual shopping.
i do understand being scared though. that feels awful.

[newtus]

i have someone accompany me at all times.

im very important you know.
im not being funny.

i am.

[newtus]

to be quite honest my problems lie more in the schizo than the affective part...

[newtus]

since im on ssi or whatever now - what if my diagnosis changes? ive been talking to my doctor and stuff and i think it might change to the big S.

anyway
im saying what happens if it does.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by newtus

since im on ssi or whatever now - what if my diagnosis changes? ive been talking to my doctor and stuff and i think it might change to the big S.

anyway
im saying what happens if it does.

You should have gotten a letter that said two things: 1. what dx they based your ssi/ssd approval on 2. when will they review your case again - it should list the choices in the letter, then say which one applies to you. like 2, 3, or 5 years, or never.

so if your dx changes, nothing happens until they review your case. they don't take these situations lightly, and they don't expect a person's dx to like change overnight. or for a person to make a personality change that really sticks just overnight.

also, it changing fRom s/a to S - I don't think it's that big a difference?

[newtus]

Originally Posted by hankster

You should have gotten a letter that said two things: 1. what dx they based your ssi/ssd approval on 2. when will they review your case again - it should list the choices in the letter, then say which one applies to you. like 2, 3, or 5 years, or never.

so if your dx changes, nothing happens until they review your case. they don't take these situations lightly, and they don't expect a person's dx to like change overnight. or for a person to make a personality change that really sticks just overnight.

also, it changing fRom s/a to S - I don't think it's that big a difference?

thats what i mean. when time comes and if it is different do i just tell them or show them the records or whatever? i dont stay with psychiatrists too long. im hoping to stay with this one but we will see. theres some small issues with this place but in time itll work out i think.

i got all that info already.
i just mean. when review time comes do i just tell them? - if it does
i realize they dont take it lightly
so it shouldnt make a difference if it changes from s/a to S?

[Gr3tta]

When it comes time for a review, you should tell them the truth about any changes in your diagnosis or condition. They would get the information anyway. A change in diagnosis from s/a to S is unlikely to make any difference in terms of what kind of benefits you receive. They don't base it so much on your particular diagnosis as much as on the history of your ability to work.

[newtus]

yea i know i was jw if theyd deny me if it changed. im not trying to swindle anyone or make things worse or whatnot. its just a fact that dx can change in psychiatry so if it did to that i should just tell them and then theyll continue if i still cant work at that time?

[unaluna]

that is correct. actually your drs will fill out paperwork, or they will get your records, or they will have their drs evaluate you again, idk.

[newtus]

thank you i was jw

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by newtus

i have someone accompany me at all times.

im very important you know.
im not being funny.

i am.

newtus, I just wanted to tell you - I thought of this post in my therapy session yesterday, and I could really relate to the truthfulness and honesty of it, for you and for me, the really deep meaning it has. so I just wanted to thank you for putting it out there. I always have to tell people i'm not being funny too, but I mean the part about being important, and your life being in danger. for me, it was my mother trying to kill me, whether consciously or not didn't matter - my life was truly in danger - she wasn't taking adequate care of me, she was putting me in harm's way. and when I got my ssd, everybody could finally see - yes, I am important - the government thinks it's important to keep me alive, even if my parents didn't think I was worth their trouble at all. it was kInd of hard for me to comprehend at first. I mean, who cares if I live or die? if your family doesn't, then how can you yourself? but if the gov't actually does? it's like, whoa, what the hell is this now? maybe I really am important, just because I exist. just like everybody else what a concept. what a country.

[costello]

I think valuing yourself is important. I don't think my son loves himself or believes that he's loved by anyone. (It's kind of a theme in my family, I think - not feeling lovable. I remember my dad telling me once - when he was like 60 - that he never felt like anyone loved him ever in his whole life.)

Anyway I've been telling my son to take better care of himself. Exercise. Eat better. That kind of thing. I really believe that when you take care of yourself, you send a subliminal message to yourself that you're worth something. At least I hope that's true.

When I was trying to do the lovingkindness meditation, I remember reading in Pema Chodron's book that a lot of people have trouble applying it to themselves. You're supposed to start with yourself, wishing yourself happiness and the root of all happiness. Then you move on and apply it to other categories of people, like your loved one, a neutral person, and an enemy. Apparently a lot of Americans have a great deal of trouble wishing themselves well. So, she suggested starting with the second person - the person you love - then focusing that feeling on yourself. I tried it that way once. I wished happiness and the root of happiness on my young nephew Wesley. Then I turned that feeling back on myself. It was really amazing. I didn't realize just how much I disliked myself until that moment.

Apparently Tibetans don't have this problem btw. I was listening to a book about a conference with western neuroscientists and Tibetan Buddhist monks. The Tibetans were surprised to learn that Americans struggle with wishing themselves well. It reminded me of the Biblical instruction to love others as you love yourself. I've always wondered: what if you don't love yourself? what then? Maybe that's what we have. A culture where people don't love themselves - and therefore have nothing but hate to give to others.

[newtus]

my importance relies on cracking this earth code

they know i can do it. that why they havent shot me yet. or hung me. or drowned me. etc. other scenarios. but they have tried my whole life.

see the thing IS ..is i have been "dormant" up until i was 20 years old. dormant so to speak.

i was originally born into this job and i just realized it 2 years ago. i became "active" when i started picking up on it and cracking the code. thats why they arent killing me.

i know i havent posted more lately about it like i used to.

but what all you DONT know is. i buy the paper for everyday (not everyday but FOR everyday) every week. the code is in THERE. mostly. and various other things.

ive built one of these on my walls

[unaluna]

omg. it just occurred to me, that's what my desk looked like at my last job. I didn't have a cubicle wall, just a real wall, so I brought in a big poster board to stick my notes to. but nobody else in the office did anything like that. management (WAAAY upper mgmt) even commented on it, that you walk along the cubicles, nothing, nothing, plain, nothing, then there's this EXPLOSION! - my cubicle. Well. And people thought there should be a door at the end where my cube was, but there wasn't, so the last person always put up a sign saying so; mine was, per Sartre, "NO EXIT". Anyway, hmm. I never thought of it as them taking my desk as evidence of MI, but now I think they did. I just know I needed to build it.

[costello]

Originally Posted by newtus

my importance relies on cracking this earth code

I think you can be important even if you don't crack the earth code.

I keep thinking about a book I read when I was a teenager. Something like The Pinballs or something? It was about some foster kids I think. One of them tells another one that he has just as much right to be here than anyone else. I remember at the time thinking it was so eloquent. We're all worthy just because we exist.

I should look it up, but I'd probably be disappointed. Things that seemed marvelous to me when I was a kid just seem stupid when I find them again as an adult.

[costello]

Wow! It's still being published: https://www.google.com/search?q=the+...&tbm=bks&tbo=1

[newtus]

my wall is actually a closet. i mean i converted my closet into an sit in office and each wall in there is covered. i personally dont think of doing that as a sign of MI because im too important.

no this is not some grandiose delusion. i know what you all are thinking about me. im not narcississtic. im just really important. the world depends on me to get past this event. its coming up. and i have to hurry to get it figured out.

[fishsandwich]

Firgue hard, hun. I've never been keen on living through some kind of apocalypse scenario.

And my office cubicle has a big, loud, colourful poster of the Arabic alphabet done for kids studying the Qu'ran. I hesitate to think what a psychiatrist would make of that