Roll Call Four

Welcome back Twisti

I hope that you get some alone time this weekend cybermember. I go a bit nuts if I'm around people 24/7 - I need my space - so I totally understand. Hope they fix the power cables soon

Mum is coming up with me to Uni to make sure that I go in. I probably won't without her bullying me to go in. The thought of it makes me want to cry, but I can't see a way out. I don't want to drop out, or go part-time: I just want to hit 'pause' and have time stand still until I'm ready to face the world again. If only...

*Willow*

Sorry you're having a hard time with uni, I used to struggle with college and that was only part time.

Hope it gets better for you

I know I sound repetitive annoying realism. I hate being in touch, I want to be in a far away land of non real and happiness. Earth is a dark planet ruled by the Devil, God is above the clouds but His finger is pointed at us. Deteriorating.... that is life. Yelling at the clouds above in a crazy way, with onlookers pointing and laughing at your suffering. Green is the way, the economy is great but Obama will stop us from falling down the path of another recession. It will miss us by a huge mile away, thinking of the man on the moon from years ago. The path of goodness is the right of you, of me, of mankind. Left is the sign of horrible life coming toward the path of hopelessness. I want the path of Goodness. But it is shattered into a million pieces one by one falling into the void. The Black Hole of which light cannot escape. The directions are everywhere, up, down, left and right have meanings. The bird's patterns. The light flickering on an object. The TV giving messages of both hate and love, depending on your perception at that immediate time and place. The poisonous laughter of haters along the streets, drilling a hole into your heart. Shattered it is! Tears run down my gigantic face, but without a Facebook account it means nothing. The firebird raises from the ashes of the ground, but then is quickly shot down by this futuristic weapon of death. Money is pulled from under us, quickly and extremely painful that others can't see for themselves. The arrow up there screams..... UP UP UP. The piercing noises surround me. My shields are breaking down. Powering down. The train rolls by with its noise. Rocking back and forth. OK long enough.

My son and I saw Cloud Atlas today. Weird but very interesting movie.

Good to see you around again, fish, even though you're not doing so great.

I'm not too bad. Still keeping up with the yoga on a daily/every-other-day basis which has been awesome for my arthritis & energy level. Stopped doing cardio a week & a half ago because I tore a muscle in my *** [****ING OW!] & haven't really gone back. But I've lost a pants size or two already! So I'm pretty happy about that.
Today I decided to obtain a precalc textbook & two psychology textbooks to keep my mind occupied. Math puts me in a peaceful place for some reason. It's tedious calculation. Like how some people enjoy knitting or computer code. I like math. And it makes me feel more purposeful, like I'm doing something to improve my own intellectual health despite my academic plans falling to pieces. So that feels nice.
And I am picking up my prescription reading glasses on Monday & going to my psychological assessment on Wednesday. Seeing as I'm not actively psychotic, I don't think they'll try to drug me or do anything drastic. So they'll actually get to see the REAL me & everyone will be better prepared to rationally deal with the situation if/when it does happen again.

omfg...sooo... won the lawsuit against former T.....current T is ignoring me...luke is taking control... probly gonna smoke a cig or paint or both....luke is my voice, the demon, in my head

do you hear him too?

I'm having a hard time not having very much to do.
I need to exercise more, but it's so dangerously cold outside.
I'm seeing a new T on Tuesday, but I don't think it's going to help because it's a CBT T and I hate CBT with a fiery passion.

I know this mood. I'm not psychotic at all . . . it's bad. Maybe my voices live in England? I've noticed that I don't hear voices in Canada. I just get really obsessive.
I'm obsessed with losing weight (nothing new there).
Also my mum discovered that I don't sleep in my bed and she thinks it's a "psycho thing" . . . I don't think I can tell her that I let someone have sex with me and now I'm going to contaminate the bed if I sleep in it, so I'd feel guilty if I did. That's a psycho thing, right?

I like CBT - but I had an awesome doctor.
I would have done anything to show her how much I appreciated her help, the only person that was always on my side - not like my new nurse - who is working under cover with the police.

I finally had the best idea as well - the police can fly their drone up, get footage of the mind control drone - then I'll have my proof, police protection, awareness for other TI's and no more "this will make the chemicals in your brain right"

I'll probably end up like JFK then - but at least I can RIP - no more being scared or mind control.

Back after a few short breaks due to illness, prob mostly associated with oral surgeries. But blessed and happy to be back. Warm wishes to all!

Can you find a different therapist?

My son also seems to be able to tell which thoughts are psychotic and which aren't. He also gets annoyed with me when he thinks I'm blaming his mental illness for things that aren't mental illness in his view. He got pretty angry the other night and told me that he spends a lot of time worrying about whether what he's doing or thinking are signs of mental illness or whether they're "normal."

fish, kureha, junkDNA, anne

Well Mum dragged me back to Uni, but I refused to go in today. Just had a major freak out. Anyway cue a long discussion about everything. Am going to talk to my course leader on Wednesday to see about part-time I don't particularly want to go part-time but at the moment it's either that or drop out, and I really don't want to fail again after I failed medicine... That would reduce my exams in Dec to one instead of 2, and my assignments over xmas hols to 1 instead of 2, and put my research project off until the year after. All of which feels more manageable. So fingers crossed. Other than that, the depression is bad and I'm sleeping 15 hours on my new meds, which is too much to function at Uni.



*Willow*

Hrm probably. . . not having insurance and earning in sterling are kind of killing me, though. Anywhere that isn't CBT-based charges extortionate sums.

Yeah I know that feeling. Before I left England I hardly ever thought about MI, but now it preoccupies me. It feels really unhealthy. I wish mum would shut her ****ing mouth once in a while.
I cried when she got home from work last night . . . and she really thinks I need drugs now. Of course, when I say that it's just because my WHOLE ****ING LIFE just totally flipped upside-down . . . she can't understand. She has (literally) lived in a one-mile radius her whole life.

Doesn't sound like she's being really helpful.

I've forgotten... why did you move in with her? Is living elsewhere an option?

Not psychotic, but... I started to get really bad last night. And it only got worse when I woke up. And it's so stressful trying to arrange for my appointment tomorrow because my boyfriend can't find anyone to switch shifts with so he can take me. And I dread being left alone with my MIL. So ****ing annoying. And so going with her will make me extra-pissy with the therapist. And I know that's not going to look good... Being agitated on my first visit? Not being able to contain my disdain, rage, & revulsion at someone's mere existence? I kind of wanted to work through other **** first.

So I'm just trying to stay low key now. Listen to music, drink coffee, work in my textbooks, ignore everyone. Hopefully some more "me" time will help me to feel better... On the bright side, my glasses are ****ing awesome & I bought some hair dye to treat myself to a new look. So. Yeah.

Mostly because I'm lazy and also all the rental contracts here seem to be for six months, and I'm only here for three (God willing).

In other news, therapy was awful and also, I have a second job. I'm selling books for $10/hour.

My dad went to the doctor today and the first step to save his hip is an injection. The thing is though is he has had these before and they work for a short period of time then stop. The doc said that after that he might have to have surgery. When my dad has major surgery it means he will scream in pain from past experiences and the added stress makes me have problems. My mom's appointment to see if she needs surgery is in December. Originally it was late November but they had to cancel it because something came up. Today we had to pay that stupid student loan that was over $380 but dad is already paying another $160 so that is over $500. My brother has no job. The loans have fallen to us like I predicted long ago. I hate realism. I hate realism. I hate being the most accurate person in existence. My goal in life is to be wrong in my life. Sometime is all I ask. I want to be wrong about my future predictions of extreme poverty. I want to be wrong about future predictions of failure of all companies in our family but they are already failing. There is too much stress. The only good is that its my mom and dad's 35 year anniversary. Most marriages only last a few years now a days so 35 years is simply amazing.

Hi guys. I am doing okay, I've been better. I am still not sober, but I am doing my best. I am not psychotic. I have been working a lot lately on my writings. I got a publishing offer finally. I hope this leads somewhere. Yours truly, Lightbulb7 P.S. Here's a song for everybody:

My mum and I got in a huge fight this morning. I screamed at her for nearly an hour and refused to let her leave for work . . . she said that she knew (or strongly suspected) that I was being raped in the hospital, but she still thought it was the place I needed to be to "get help and get healthy".
I um . . . I just can't anymore. I booked a hotel for tonight and now I'm trying to find somebody to drive me there.

So sorry to hear this Fish, I hate fighting with my Mom too, I can't think of anything else until the conflict is resolved. I hope yall can get past this beloved.

Oh, fish, I'm so sorry. It didn't sound like this living arrangement was going to work out anyway, but this is too much. Try to get yourself somewhere safe.

be safe fish

OMG! fish I'm so sorry that your mum knew/suspected and did nothing. That must feel like a huge betrayal. Please stay safe

I spoke to my course leader today and am all set to go part-time. He said I could put off the exam until the summer if I wanted so all I have to do until Jan is catch up on what I've missed for stats and do one assignment. All of which feels manageable - I feel like a huge weight has been lifted I also spoke to my GP and she's done me a sick note for the time I've been off, so I won't get shouted at by admin. Another relief. I'm actually feeling ok (well, still majorly depressed, but not stressed anymore)

Hope everyone else is ok

*Willow*

Wow, fish. That's totally reprehensible & (at least by my standards) unforgiveable. Especially combined with her other behaviour. But hey! Maybe you'll finally start to feel more at ease once you can unwind by yourself? That at least helps me, usually.

My appointment wasn't bad! Just an introductory interview, to evaluate my status within the past 2 weeks & whatnot. A depression questionnaire, medical questions, family history, etc. etc. I have a psychologist appointment Monday after next & a psychiatrist appointment on Dec 31st -- they wanted to put that one off because they want me to get bloodwork done & a physical evaluation to make sure it's not just a physical issue. So that's actually kind of refreshing! That they actually bother to look into that stuff.

Making pumpkin brownies with cream cheese frosting at the moment & about to watch Dexter. But in the meantime, I got an audiobook version of "The Center Cannot Hold" & I'm listening to that. Take care everyoneeeeeee

I'm not sure what this thread is about, but I'm in! Hello everybody! My first post! Glad to join the community!