Roll Call Four

Yeah, it's fulltime, temporary. It's meant to last through March, although they're already asking if people want to stay on permanently after that. My son lied and said he wanted to stay on after March, but he doesn't. He's just looking to save some and pay a few bills. He needs new tires for his car, and he needs some dental work.

I have to confess I liked that song. Would I be offended if I could understand what he's saying?

Ah right - part time would probably be better then

Most of it is about drugs or stuff like that
Like this one -

That's what he says at the begining

WALKIN DOWN AN ALLEY N A RADGIE SED TO ME, GIVE ME ALL UR ****IN MONEY AND UR ****IN XTC, SO I INTRODUCED HIM TO MY FRIEND, WASNT WOT I REKOMEND, SHOWED HIM WOT I HAD TO GIVE, WACKED HIM WIV A 9 INCH CHIV, DOWN THE PATH N THROUGH THE FOG, HE'S ON MY BACK I START TO JOG, BIZZIE CHOPPER ON MY TAIL, SHUD I STOP OR SHUD I BAIL, IN THE CAR I HIT THE CLOCK, DOWN THE TYNE OR TO THE DOCK, THINKING I AM HOME N DRY STARE THE POLICE IN THE EYE

They are telling me to cut again. I ignore them but it's getting harder to do so.

So maybe it's best I don't understand?

Can you do something instead of cutting?

I use to take a box cutter and destroy some of my things instead of cutting but it would usually end up cutting myself anyways if they were strong enough. It's not like I want to... I feel like I have to.

Costello, I don't know how you deal without having a furnace. I have trouble just dealing with the thermostat set at 68 degrees. Do you have a fireplace?

I give your son props just for trying to hold down a job, especially dealing with phones, even though it may be temporary. For me, I deal with sensory overload on a daily basis and pretty much hole myself up in my room and watch tv on mute so as not to get overwhelmed overall from the world that surrounds me. So my hats off to your son for putting himself out there. At least, it seems, he's doing better than me.

We have a fireplace, and my son is really good at building fires. Unfortunately it doesn't warm the house much.

We have one of the radiant heat heaters in the main room, but it still gets down as low at the mid 30's in my main living area (living room, kitchen, dining room are all one big room) on really cold nights. Normally it stays in the 50's even with the heater on.

I have a space heater in my bedroom and one in my bathroom which I use judiciously - don't want to run the electric bill up.

I bought an electric blanket a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't opened it yet.

Sometimes we wear sweaters and hats and gloves - yes, indoors.

And I have very large dog I put under the covers on my bed when I'm sleeping. She generates a lot of body heat.

I've learned that it's amazing how much our bodies adapt to our environment. Believe me, it sounds worse that it is.

He's very practical. He needed tires and dental work, and disability just doesn't pay enough to cover it.

It's that kind of thing that I think might be hereditary. I don't know if my son has problems with sensory overload, but I know I do. I don't have it to the extreme that you do, but I can't stand crowds, lots of noise and movement, or lots of bright lights. I mean there's a reason I live in the country and work in a library!

As far as I can tell, my son doesn't have those challenges. We've never talked about it, though. I couldn't ask him. It would irritate him.

My son's challenges with jobs seem to center more on two things. First, he's just very paranoid. Being around other people is painful and scary for him, because he thinks they're judging him or they hate him or something. A whole host of problems spring just from that problem. For example, he won't ask questions if he doesn't understand something. Then he makes mistakes.

Second, he seems to have some cognitive problems or learning disabilities or something. This goes back to when he was small. (The paranoia doesn't. He was a very friendly, outgoing little boy.) People meeting him sometimes assume he's low IQ, although he's not. He doesn't remember things. He has to be told to do things one at a time. (For example, you can't send him off to get the paper, get the mail, and take the trash can down to the curb. He'll likely do the first one and forget the others.) He gets really confused sometimes over very simple things.

I wish we could have some kind of psychoeducational evaluation done. But we'd have to pay for it out of pocket, I think. And as soon as you have a psych dx, everything gets blamed on that.

He's struggling. I can tell it's wearing on him. He's started pacing a lot in the evening. And "thinking." "Trying to figure something out." Not good signs in my experience.

Also, he doesn't text me or call me as much during the day. I have a friend whose daughter contacts her more when she's struggling emotionally. If she doesn't hear from her, she knows she's fine. My son is the opposite. When he goes quiet is when I start worrying. Sometimes it means he's getting paranoid about me - and that's the worst!

I've heard of alternatives like holding ice cubes in your hands. That kind of thing.

I'm not a cutter but when I was in my teens into my early twenties I used to destroy things that were very important to me to punish myself for whatever I did wrong. If my mother yelled at me for something I did wrong (which was everything!) I would take it a step further and destroy things that meant a lot to me. I felt so unworthy of myself that I believed I didn't deserve to have anything. As an example; I'm an artist and at that time I would destroy my artwork just to get back at myself for screwing up in my mother's eyes. My mother was a central figure in my life because she pretty much ran the show as my step father was for the most part a rather passive man. It wasn't till years out of the house and away from my parents and into therapy did I realize how dysfunctional my family was and that I was a worthy person.

So my point to all this is that you say you feel you have to cut but I ask why? What does cutting represent to you? Do you feel it's a way to punish yourself? Or does it represent something else?

I cut to satisfy the voices. Blood satisfy the voices. I don't know why they tell me to cut myself but I feel like I have to do it or else something bad will happen.

I just got a call from my younger son's new gf's mom. The sheriff caught up with him today, and he's been arrested. Very serious charges, so I couldn't afford to bond him out even if I wanted - which I don't. In fact, since he ran and hid, they may not grant bond at all.

Bummer that it happened right before Christmas, but he was on borrowed time anyway. Should have turned himself in months ago.

Well, maybe your voices are wrong just as my parents were. You can't always believe everything that you're told. I've learned that. And even well intentioned people sometimes get it wrong. So, who do you trust with your life? You or the voices? Sometimes even the voices can be wrong. Just sayin'.

I'm assuming your younger son doesn't live with you? So, what's the charge if you don't mind me asking? You mentioned that he should have turned himself in months ago... was he on the run?

No, my younger son hasn't lived with me for several years. I adopted him from foster care as a teenager, and he just had such serious problems, and evidently I couldn't help him. Well, he's only 21, so maybe he can turn it around still. But he has to want to. So far he hasn't wanted to enough.

The charges are aggravated battery/intentional bodily harm and felony theft. He attacked his ex-gf's mom, held her down and choked her, then stole her van. He led the police on a high speed chase then escaped on foot after wrecking the van.

This was several months ago. They had him on their most wanted list. Then the ex-gf called me two nights ago to say his picture was on the news. I called him and told him to turn himself in, but I guess he didn't. Someone reported him, and he was picked up today.

I guess now we wait and see what happens next.

I'm not very versed in the legal system but I can't imagine the sheriff would bond him out for fear he'd be on the run again. To me this would be common sense but have found through experience that not everyone is gifted with common sense. I have a saying... College education - $50,000; Common sense - priceless! I have a friend who has an MBA and is very book smart but absolutely ZERO common sense and makes her look really stupid when common sense is needed.

Anyway, I digress. Will you be going to your son's arraingnment?

I doubt it. I find the criminal justice stuff to be very stressful. I got enough of it when he was a minor. This isn't his first dog and pony show. At this point, I can only assume he's chosen this lifestyle. If your career choice is "career criminal," you should be aware that periodic interruptions to your life for imprisonment comes with the territory.

Personally I don't commit crimes and see no reason to willingly involve myself with the criminal justice system.

I'm sure he'll find someone to sit in the courtroom with him. Somehow he always finds some sucker who thinks he or she is going to "help" him or "save" him. He doesn't want to be saved, but he'll let you think you're saving him as long as you continue to provide him food, sex, and a place to sleep.

Sorry if I sound jaded.

You don't sound jaded but realistic. Crime is not your world but your son's. I guess he also likes to get himself caught up in drama of which you want no part of. I think it's great that you were able to separate yourself long ago so as to not get sucked down in it. You have healthy boundaries and know what's toxic, which is a good thing.

Ahhh he sounds like me a few years back. A bit nostalgic sometimes, but changing my ways was for the best...

We're lowering my meds due to side effects and I have now become irritable and have the nasties. Maybe it's not just the meds but the sense that with a stroke of a pen the government is paused to cut Social Security benefits.

I hate when I get like this. This is just the beginning. I remember the symptoms all too well.

So I just went off on an ex-roommate who visits every freaking weekend but has been here since the 9th and was on her computer looking at assault rifles for some time and I said that she shouldn't get any ideas about getting a gun and having it mailed here because it will be sent back as there will be no guns in this house (she has some of her pkg's mailed here). So she retorts that it's none of my business and she can get any gun she wants as it will be left in Maryland where she lives and wonders what's with the bug up my *****. There's a lot of things up my *****. Then she tries to explain to me that it's for target practice. So I said she's full of s***! In all the years I've known her, never once has she owned a gun or target practiced. I then called her a typical Republican and their guns. Yes, I said that. All this hype about 2nd Amendment rights being taken away spouted by Limbaugh and the NRA and that everyone needs to be armed is bulls**t. It's a paranoid mentality. So, in light of the Sandy Hook massacre to combat gun violence their thought process is to add more guns. And they put me on medication? Puh!

Maybe the Social Security cuts won't happen. Weren't they part of an offer that Obama made which the Republicans turned down? For what it's worth, I think it's absurd that we're cutting funding to the people at the poor end of the scale so we can protect better off people from tax hikes. And then they wonder why we're having more and more mental health problems in this country.

I don't like how it feels to be irritable either. I tend to be an irritable person, so I work hard at taking care of myself. I find I can stay calmer when I'm well-rested and focusing my attention on something positive.

Have you ever tried something besides an AP? Maybe something like Xanax you can take as needed? I don't know if it would help with irritability or not.

If she lives in Maryland, why doesn't she have her guns mail there?

I've finished my preparations for Xmas, and I'm ready to roll.

The only sad note is that my younger son is in jail, and I can't afford to accept his calls. I did ask someone else to get the message to him to stop calling. It's gut-wrenching to reject the call. I'll go by and visit him on Wednesday.

I just noticed this is the second anniversary of my joining this site. I started here on Christmas Eve 2010.

And 2 more posts will bring me up to 4000.