[FooZe]

I closed "Three" because it had well over 1000 replies. Thought I'd start this one while I was at it. Carry on, everyone!

blueophelia: I've had a little over a year to get used to it... Still freaks me out on occasion, but most of it is inconsequential or just interesting.
You'll get used to it. At least in my case, hallucinations are one of my lowest concerns... Even if it's something unnerving. But that's just because I'd rather have that than paranoia. And I'm a bit odd in that I can tell what's a hallucination & what's not most of the time.
Try to get a little more sleep. I know that sounds retarded since you're an insomniac, but it really does make things at least slightly less intense.

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

blueophelia: I've had a little over a year to get used to it... Still freaks me out on occasion, but most of it is inconsequential or just interesting.
You'll get used to it. At least in my case, hallucinations are one of my lowest concerns... Even if it's something unnerving. But that's just because I'd rather have that than paranoia. And I'm a bit odd in that I can tell what's a hallucination & what's not most of the time.
Try to get a little more sleep. I know that sounds retarded since you're an insomniac, but it really does make things at least slightly less intense.

Good advice from the girl who's mood reads Buzzed. You get some sleep too.
I'm gone for now. Hope to talk to you all again.

[newtus]

ugh
told this guy i had schizophrenia so hed stop chasing me. to date me.
but it backfired on me and he said "thats ok. i still like you"
i was like "oh crap."

that was last resort attempt.
did not work. so i resorted to ignoring him.
but i still have to see his face everytime i goto the grocery store.

Hahaha I got as much sleep as I could. Tonight will go better because I don't have to get up so ridiculously early. (For the record, 8AM is ridiculous!) Lol not to mention, I'm just in a really good mood but happy seems too quaint. Take care blueophelia.

OMG I'm sorry you had to deal with that! Lol I can see how that could make a situation go from bad to worse. Especially since you're uninterested in dating. Hahahaha suuuucks.

[newtus]

yeaa...

well at the time i was unable to really date.
but ...im not interested in him anyway.
you know when you have preferences.
im not shallow person.
but i know what i like. not saying what i have to have in someone.
but what catches my eye.
plus he has a child..

i really thought that was foolproof plan.
but who knew..

[newtus]

i think hes looking for a wife.
i really think so.

that made me nervous.
so i started avoiding him at all costs.
i felt so paranoid for a long time.

[BurtonFan2012]

i'm here, i'm tired. desspite sleeping nearly 18 hours straight. yeah. um idk feeling just a bit flat and scattered. how are you all?

Well yeah, I know what you're talking about... You don't have to like everyone in order to not be shallow. No big deal. But I'm sorry you were paranoid! Feeling any better now? And how is the med making you feel?

Take care Burtonfan! I was like that just a few days ago. For a long time. Not too much fun :/

(Might not respond for a while. Gonna go torment the cat & possibly do some writing or meditating... I haven't seriously done either of those things in about a year. Since the symptoms & stuff. So this should be interesting.)

[newtus]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

Feeling any better now? And how is the med making you feel?

not really.
i hate meds.

to take or to not is feeling like i have to compromise either my mental health or my physical health/well being. i dont feel good either. i wanna be good BOTH ways.

how come whenever i think im doing not fine - im fine
but also whenever i think im doing fine - im not fine.

you know? like well.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by newtus

i think hes looking for a wife.
i really think so.

that made me nervous.
so i started avoiding him at all costs.
i felt so paranoid for a long time.

newt,

does this man creep u out? i hate creeps. sometimes i spot them everywhere. creepy women. creepy men. creepy children. creepy animals. whatever- i've witnessed it all.

i have a stalker currently. but more what i guess u could call a...

technological stalker- someone who texts my phone CONSTANTLY for HOURS on HOURS non-stop. and its all just unrelated, weird, sexual, and PERVERTED BULL ****.

this guy, his name will be Richard for now, texted me 70 times.
in one night.
he calls me, he leaves voices mails

oh god, i am on a rant, now

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by BurtonFan2012

i'm here, i'm tired. desspite sleeping nearly 18 hours straight. yeah. um idk feeling just a bit flat and scattered. how are you all?

hey man.
lemme guess.
u are on atypical anti-psychotics

welcomme

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by newtus

how come whenever i think im doing not fine - im fine
but also whenever i think im doing fine - im not fine.

you know? like well.

yes. i am currrently experiencing this situation

I know you hate them... But you'll learn how to adapt. I really think that. And I conceptually know what you mean, but honestly, I always seem to have a disturbingly acute sense of when I'm not doing well. Which sucks because it feels like I have to stay on-guard for the tiniest little ********. But as I said... It sucks now, but I think you'll get used to it & build your way towards a compromise. You're just in a bad spot now & there is NO shame in that whatsoever. Really.

LMFAO junk. I got rid of all of my creepy pervo stalkers... They have no conversational skills whatsoever. I spend all day with my body parts & they want me to talk about them in gruesome excess? Uhhhhh, sorry man, I have things to do.

[newtus]

no he doesnt creep me out.
hes only 25 or 26.
hes really sweet.

but i just dont want to date him
hes not what id go for..
plus he has a child.

now i feel bad.

[newtus]

i remade a facebook for the first time in 2-3 years to talk to a few family members.
but idk man..

you know i hate facebook for many reasons. its one of the things i deleted when i had a huge 2 year episode or so. i deleted it in a paranoid episode. but one of the other things i hate about is that...man...my family is so accomplished. and im one of the few people literal few ..whove barely done anything. i dont feel ashamed but i feel like an outsider.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

.... I have to stay on-guard for the tiniest little ********.

this resonated with me,
i have a critical internal component that can sometimes manifest itself physically if i choose to lose control of my emotion regulation.

something kind of personal but worth writing-
i have been thru multiple traumatic events involving abuse, torture, mindcontrol, and psychological warfare as well as pharmacuetical,...

phyiscal,
psychological,
sexual, abuse

in my "short" life of 25 years.

these situations were all at the hand of authority figures in my life. supposed "CAREGIVERS"...."parents"...."therapists"....."doctors"...."people that said they were helping me when they actually weren't"

i seem to be cycling over, again and again, into these situations where i am weak and vulernable and "THEY" are out to get me....

anyway, basically what im saying is that because of all of this starting at a very young age for me, i adopted these messages as my own true core beliefs about my identity, my life, other people, and this collective world. they have all been lies, manipulations, cheats, and scams...

so naturally, wouldn't u think, that i have developed my own private drill sargeant in my ear with a mega phone 24/7

[newtus]

i thought i was well enough to say im doing ok - today.
but my dad told me im doing ok?
and its like that vice versa. i dont understand.

[junkDNA]

newt-

how do U feel?

[newtus]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

newt-

how do U feel?

good question.

i dont really know.

i feel cognitive conflusion/slowness/lethargy.
thats how i am feeling right now.
idk. but no ones going to listen if they see differently i guess.

[BurtonFan2012]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

hey man.
lemme guess.
u are on atypical anti-psychotics

welcomme

thanks,
if clopixal and quetiapine are atypical anti psychotics then, yes. i think i was tired cause i oonly just had my injection. dunno if that was a side effect, probably. i am begining to dislike the meds. i dont need them atm anyways. people think otherwise. idk. night everyone

[newtus]

im trying to do well
and trying to start staying on my meds.

but its so much bulls**t to me.
but if i voice that ..then im delusional.
(im talking about in real life)

its just bs.
its like no way...no pathway..is going to lead me anywhere.
i cant do anything on these meds
and people think im delusional either way i do things.
then nothing ends up mattering to me...which is why i give up the meds.
because i already feel likes its BS and it turns out that way.

i mean WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE ANYONE SEE ME AS OK..
when I AM ok. not when THEY think im ok?
--
how do i feel?

i feel very irritable and extremely aggressive right now.

[junkDNA]

im a mental hurricane spiraling into nothingness at the speed of light

on all spectrums,
in all radiations,
on all frequencys

[junkDNA]

and then someone has the gall to call me "stereotypically insane" and a "cliche"

OKAY

[newtus]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

and then someone has the gall to call me "stereotypically insane" and a "cliche"

OKAY

who. me?