Roll Call Four

There's not a lot you can do about it this evening. Spending a lot of time thinking about it will take you down the wrong road tonight.

I agree.

people think im crazy

im sorry

wrong road?

You're feeding your paranoia by focusing on fear-based thoughts. Right now you're fearful enough. It's like throwing gas on a fire. Try to refocus on something more positive - or at least neutral - tonight.

ok. fair enough.
im not quite sure then whats not positive then or neutral.
as it felt neutral to me.
im just taking advice.
ill refocus but idk on what.

i still need someones help about the police.

Geeze, costello, that kinda sucks. I think you're the one in need of the hug tonight.

And newtus, if I may interrupt?
I've never been confronted by the police over my issues. Never really confronted by anyone. But I do understand what you're trying to say... It IS really difficult to be seen as a reasonable person with feelings/thoughts that don't have to be justified by "oh, wait, she's ****ing nuts"! It IS really difficult to feel like you're not an outsider or that the world is a frightening place because there are so many forces with more power & influence than you.
But, yanno, sometimes you have to come to terms with things. Even sane people have their own obstacles with being seen as competent human beings. People judge & they always will. This world is run by a hierarchy of egotistical assholes & we're all expected to adhere to their standards... So wouldn't be being an outsider make you more free anyway? Who wants to mold themselves to a specific vision THE WORLD has for them? Why should we be expected to be not crazy just to have our own voice?
Keep the people around who care about your welfare & see you as a full individual. Dismiss whatever assholes have a problem with you just because you see things differently. There's no reason to let people like that make you doubt yourself, your abilities, or try to compare you to anyone else. We all have shortcomings, failings, & flaws. Those aren't the full picture & **** anyone who refuses to see that. THEY have issues.

The police are always going to suck, really. Even for sane people, it's probably really hard to see them in a positive light when we look at the amount of chaos/violence that persists that they either don't do anything about or don't bother to see themselves... So even if they were targeting you? They're a bunch of idiots. Relax.

I think announcing that you're afraid the police was trying to take you to jail and following that up with the statement that mental hospitals are concentration camps indicates you're not in a neutral state of mind. And saying that you're really scared clinches it.

I understand that refocusing is very difficult, but it's a skill you can cultivate. Turn on a documentary. Write a computer program. Read a book on something that will hold your attention. Focusing on a topic that engages your frontal lobes will help bring the emotions down.

And I'm not clear what kind of help you need with the police. Are they there now?

Yeah, bad night. And I just had a fight with my son. I want him to stay in, and he wants to go out - because it's boring here. He's already had one accident - which he apparently caused by changing lanes without looking. Now he's trying to say the other guy just wants the insurance money. Boo!

When he gets in these restless moods, he seems like a wind-up toy to me. Just mindless go go go. It doesn't seem like the right time to be driving around. He doesn't really have anywhere to go. And he already called me to say he was paranoid that people were noticing him driving around randomly and judging him for it. So he apparently thinks there was something wrong with driving around randomly.

Oh, I don't know. I'm so tired of the whole thing. I don't want to fight with him, but he hasn't seemed ok for the last few days. And now he's just going to go out and wander.

i agree.

also i think my craziness shouldnt be held to societies definition of crazy because its demeaning. neither am i eccentric. i am weird. by most everyone. and it wont be any less demeaning unless im rich - have a college degree - or in some position of power - and even them those are all heirarchies of power in their own right. but my weirdness never stands alone because its like you said it always "oh shes weird because shes...". how have i thought to stop that initially? by withholding valuable information from those ears.

i see what your saying about outsider.
in one way it makes me free. but i meant if i am seen as an outsider im not seen as a team player. as in "like aspects". im seen as one to be shunned. and many of those that shun me may also be working against me. its like sending a rant about your boss in a mass friend email and it someone gets around to your boss. i never know whos watching and whos watching might just be my life downfall if im not seen as a team player. i enjoy holding my own views and interests apart from the mainstream but i dont want to be shoved into a box considered crazy. how do i avoid that? withholding valuable info from those ears.

fair enough.
i understand now.

i just watched Dr. Bronners Magic SoapBox

no they arent.

nevermind. its ok.

so, the past 50+ hours have been exhausting but i just now feel so revived and refreshed and ready to face the maddness again....

"night trippers"

costello - i'm sorry you're son doesn't seem to be doing so hot tonight. i hope he won't injure himself or anyone else using poor judgement driving. you can't control what he does though. *hugs* it's a pain in the butt showing up for jury duty, but if you really don't want to do it, you can say so to the judge. just say you really don't feel able to pay attention or make decisions regarding the case, and they will excuse you. hope it works out for you.
btw - i've been on a jury before. it stressed me out considerably, but i thought i did a good job.

IDK maybe it's easier for me because I think being an outsider is a form of accomplishment. I think it's a sign of strength to be readily willing to live separately from everyone except those that support me 666%. Even before the real craziness started, it's weird... It's almost as if I was already mentally prepared for this? I've never thought sanity/insanity was so black & white. And I have no tolerance for people who think it is. Not to mention, there are a bunch of "mentally healthy" people that REFUSE to do anything worthwhile in their life. It's not a matter of being incapable, it's a matter of laziness. And just to wake up knowing you're going to be dealing with more ******** like we do? That takes ****ing effort, man... This is all really just a matter of differing perspectives. I just told you the kind of thoughts that make me rest easy if I ever have any doubts about myself.

i totally agree. and the only thing ive been adding is that i mean when you dont have support its not easy to hold up strength. and then those that could maybe no longer can.

i only have one person supporting me.
and they dont really have enough time to really..

i am incredibly and notoriously lazy

I know that intellectually, but emotionally I'm not getting it. If I could force him to stay home - and I could if I wanted - he'd be safe physically but pissed off. If I let him go - and I did - and he destroys his car, he has no way of getting around - so the burden to get him to pdoc and therapist is on me. And, frankly, he'd have to quit the peer support group, because he would have no transportation.

Oh, well. I'm sure he'll be okay.

The part that irritates me is they'll be very unlikely to put me on the jury. First, odds are I'll know one of the attorneys involved. Second, if it's a criminal case, I have a grudge against the prosecutor down there for prosecuting my younger son for things that would have been better handled outside the legal system.

They're just going to drag me down there and waste my morning - or my whole day - then tell me to leave.

I don't feel stressed. I just don't have time. I have a project I have to finish at work by Thursday. I'm taking Friday off, and I have an appointment with the small business development adviser.

um.
idk what to do with my time anymore.

its pretty basic for me, engage myself and learn from everything

more about that later

I only have one person supporting me too. And either he doesn't have enough time because he's working or I choose not to burden him if he's recently been under stress... Probably a majority of the reason why I post on here so ****ing much these days. ; )
It sucks, but you never know how much things are going to change in the coming weeks, months, days, or years. Too soon to tell.

I'm lazy too, junk, but there are people with unhindered capacity & a choice in the matter. Who aren't expending energy on an hourly basis just to keep themselves under control... Maybe I'm just judgemental, idk. I just hate when people take advantage of the abilities or advantages they've been given so they don't have to do the same **** everyone else does. Rich people, lazy people, dependent people, etc. That's just a personal problem though -- unrelated to the post : D

I think your son will be fine, costello... Think of this as a learning experience!! And I'm sure this won't last very long before he realizes he was in a bad way & might have a better perspective on how to deal with it the next time he's hit with a bout of paranoia/restlessness.

Thanks. He's home now. Says he didn't get the wanderlust out of his system, though. Then he said, "I'm a man. I'm 27. I shouldn't have to ask my mom to go out."

Sigh! What's the answer? What's the answer? He obviously wants to make me happy. Which is both good and bad.

Sounds interesting. I'd like to see it too. I'd never heard of the guy before, although I've seen that soap in the store.

he emigrated to the usa from germany.

"He started his business making products by hand in his home. The product labels are crowded with statements of Bronner's philosophy, which he called "All-One-God-Faith" and the "Moral ABC". Many of Bronner's references came from Jewish and Christian sources, such as the Shema and the Beatitudes; others from poets such as Rudyard Kipling. They became famous for their idiosyncratic style, including hyphens to join long strings of words and the liberal use of exclamation marks. In 1947, while promoting his "Moral ABC" at the University of Chicago, Bronner was arrested and committed to a mental hospital in Elgin, Illinois, from which he escaped after shock treatments."