Roll Call Four

In my (admittedly limited) experience, it's very difficult to communicate with someone in psychosis. It requires a willingness to persist in the face of frustration.

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Can't blame you for feeling desperate to find a way out!! I really hope it works out for you.

I found a program called Pattern Maker for turning pictures into cross stitch patterns. They have a free trial, but it's only for four days! I don't have any images to transfer yet. Maybe I should just download the damned thing and play with it. It's so easy to let small obstacles get in the way. Pretty soon a lot of time has gone by and nothing is accomplished.

Maybe I should put your drawing through Pattern Maker - just to see how well it turns it into a cross stitch pattern!

I have to go to my appointment now. I feel like a student about to meet with her teacher about a project she hasn't spent enough time on.

Think she'll scold me?

hvae to finish the hair tho...

Well this week went around relatively well, but I'm holding my breath! I haven't seen or heard anything in several days. I've been trying out Zen meditation and I think it might be helping. Finally I can say I've had a good week

costello: I really just wish I could invent an entirely different vocabulary in order to convey the way it feels... It is so surreal to be living in the same world as everyone else, yet there are no simple phrases to describe the states I am in. Even on a good day, I often just feel indescribable. He always gets a little ticked because, in his words, "I've never met a single person who doesn't know what they are thinking... Especially not someone I know thinks so much!" Lmao
Yeah, I'd just throw a bunch of random images in the pattern maker & take advantage of the trial to see if it's worth the purchase. If not? Onto the next software!

junk: That's really cool!! I used to draw soo much when I was younger, then I gave it up because I didn't think I was any good. I've done a couple of projects since, but they were all mostly done with oil pastels. I like the hands-on-ness of smudging the colours together. : )

stefanian: Awesome to hear! Meditation worked really well for me for the longest time, but now I get anxious every time I sit down to do it... I should give it another try just to see how it goes.

i like that people are sharing drawings, and things they wrote by hand.

it is starting to get cooler here, and even though i know i will be complaining about the cold soon, i am enjoying the coolness for now.

i have to give people at my work these slips of paper when they have not completed documentation on time. a copy also goes to the boss. i feel like a teacher handing out tardy slips. it's also awkward because they are kind of my superiors, but i'm sort of supervising this segment of their work. i am trying to make it easier on me, and amusing for them by giving them long fantastic hero names. i hope the boss is amused. i don't think she'll care as long as people do their stupid documentation so we can all get paid.

I have new neighbors. Very weird. They want me to keep my dog on a leash all the time, because their 14 year old is terrified of big dogs. I asked them why they moved in next to a house with a huge dog and no leash law. They said they didn't realize how big she was until they moved in. And they said there is a leash law. There isn't. I've lived here 16 years and have had numerous dogs, and trust me there's no leash law.

I called the sheriff and confirmed it, but he also said that if Bridey was a nuisance on their property - like if the kid is scared of her - I could get in trouble.

I told them to put up a fence if they want to keep Bridey out. Tomorrow I'm going to talk to the neighbors on either side. They also have big dogs who run loose. I mean what were these people thinking - moving in here with that kid with the dog phobia! And he really is scared. He saw Bridey and he started squealing and shrieking and running away.

Then the guy says, "I hope you don't mind noise." Which I do - very much. The reason I live in the country and have a long commute is 1) there's no light at night, 2) I can let my dog run loose, and 3) it's quiet. So, he's trying to knock out 2 of 3. Bet he puts up a spotlight too. City people!

Anyway he works on demolition derby cars and says he'll be making a lot of noise. I asked the deputy if there was a noise ordinance. He says there is - 24 hours per day. The only exception is for farm equipment. (There's already a junked out car on his front lawn. I'm sure someone will complain about that too. It's not allowed.)

So, dude starts calling on my dog, I'm calling on his noise.

God I hate not getting along with neighbors.

Not to be crude, but... What a douchebag! He should put his kid on a leash so he doesn't rile up the dogs.

Thanks, Shay. This is just awful. I barely slept last night. I hope they move away. They made a very bad choice in a house. They were living in a different county before. Maybe they have different rules there. They should have checked before they moved in. If they think there's a leash law but they're going to be able to keep junk cars on their lawn and make lots of noise, they didn't read the county rules.

They said they're suing their last neighbor - over his dog btw. They lived in Centropolis, Kansas - which is tiny. Maybe I can track down their last victim and see if I can learn anything. I didn't get their last name, though.

If they try to push me around, I'll push back. I hate it, though. I have enough on my plate without fighting with my neighbor. Particularly over my dog. I mean they can lie and say my dog was on their property being a nuisance, and how am I to prove otherwise?

well im still alive and kicking... we got all moved and are setteling in to our new home...im hoping to get back in to a routen here, but finding it hard...i have missed hearing how everyone is and wondered if anyone even missed me hear...it doesn't matter anyway...

it didn't take long for them to find me hear...i know that you can never escape them, but i did at least get a small repreave it seems...but not long lived sad to say...

now that we are in our own home however we are finding ways to protect ourselfs...we can put as many locks on the doors as we need and put up security things everywhere we want... we dont have to get permission from anyone...so i am feeling a little bit more secure...but i know better then to feel completely at ease and trust that all is secure...

well that is all for mow, if anyone even cares...

I've missed you, angel. I'm so glad you're tucked up safe in your new home. I hope you'll be able to visit more often now.

Good luck in dealing with them, costello. Truly!! And though I never talked to you, angel-wings, it's good to hear you're taken care of.

Stressed out this morning, but I'm dealing with it...

I'm glad you're coping better.

For me I still have moments of deep depression or despair, but somehow knowing that it won't last helps me. I noticed a long time ago that depression makes you forget you ever felt happy before. And it makes you believe you'll never be happy again. I call it a delusion. After having such dips in mood over many, many years and noticing this little trick it plays with my mind, I've taught myself not to get sucked in. It's not easy, but I can do it. Luckily for me, I tend to have these little episodes at night - so I don't have to cope with getting through the day and dealing with other people at the same time. I just have to deal with my own mind. I've found it helps to focus my attention on the sensations in my body. I don't argue with myself or my thoughts or try to suppress or fix anything.

Over the years I've found that these episodes go fairly quickly. It used to be I'd get caught up with the thoughts. I don't know if you're a ruminator, but the thoughts start going around and around in your mind. Pretty soon hours have gone by, you're not getting enough sleep, and of course you're more depressed than ever the next day because you're so tired. I've found now that I can go back to sleep fairly quickly because I don't engage with the thoughts. I've never solved a problem in the middle of the night, so why spend any time thinking about my problems at 2 am. Occasionally I have to pick up a book and read to distract myself, but usually I can get back to sleep within 5 minutes. I refuse to engage with the thoughts. (I used to find a paper and pen and write down all the problems in a neat list. Now I find I don't even need to do that. Just the awareness that I'm not going to solve any problems by ruminating on them at night - and the emotion itself is impermanent - allows me to let go.)

I have no idea how this applies to psychosis. For example, I don't know if focusing on the bodily sensations will make the psychosis better or worse. But do think it helps to know that it's likely the psychosis (or depression) is triggered by a stressor and that it's not going to last (it's impermanent). With that awareness you know you just have to wait it out. Then you can try different things to see if they help or not.

It does help to be 50 years old instead of 20. It gives me perspective. I've had years and years of troubles that some how I've survived. It's likely I'll survive my current troubles too.

I'm not saying it's easy. It's not. And every time I get hit with one of those emotions I hate so much - depression, extreme irritation, despair - I think, "*****! Not you again! I thought I'd conquered you!" But then I have to go into acceptance, non-judgement, awareness of impermanence, etc.

Btw, Thich Nhat Hanh suggests you greet these emotions (I'll include psychosis) "Hello, little friend." Or "Hello, my old friend." "I know you well." I haven't got there yet. A couple of times recently, when I felt depressed, I remembered that Pema Chodron said that her teacher said that depression was a 'juicy' emotion - so much to work with. I'm trying to greet these emotions in that spirit. "Yay! A chance to grow!" I'm not quite there.

I'm back! I'm now living in a different city and have started Uni already. I'm doing okay but I'm just really anxious about everything lately - driving, my dog being left on his own, managing a Masters course etc. I'm also feeling quite lonely at the moment. I'm struggling to make small talk and get to know the people on my course. I'm worried that they know that I'm a bad person. Also my one friend and housemate has turned into a social butterfly while I was away and is now out most evenings and going away for weekends, plus she's in work all day in the week. So I feel like I'm on my own in this big house all the time Hopefully once the workload picks up I will have stuff to occupy me more, but at the moment I miss my annoying family. They made sure that I went out every day and saw people.

Anyway Hope everyone is doing well.

*Willow*

The stress went away & wasn't so bad, but now I'm creeped out & erstwhile fascinated by the fact that everyone in this restaurant seems to be an android... My quiet voice that tells me this is irrational is taking a break, but at least the rest of me is thinking clearly.

I'm definitely a ruminator, because I am in active thought every second of every day. Sometimes even in my sleep. This doesn't usually bug me too much... My thoughts, while sometimes out of control, are at least coherent in this state. I'm thankful for that & try to remind myself not to take advantage of these moments of clarity.

Bodily sensations freak me out most of the time. I probably have some form of hypochondriasis. I constantly worry about dying from some underlying health issue... My sister has this, too. Probably doesn't help that I'm way overdue for health screenings.

Psychosis, mania, depression, obsessive tendencies -- they are all old friends now. It's as if they are separate powers within me that take control of the husk every so often. I'm more at peace with this than I really convey these days... But I suppose there can be no calm without the presence of chaos.

Sometimes I think life is just one long process of getting to know yourself. Then learning to accept yourself.

Welcome back, Willow. Good to see you.

[deleted]

how do i go about telling my psychiatric doctor that i dont think i have paranoid schizophrenia?

You could tell him at your next appointment, but he'll probably be more impressed if your behavior changes. Unfortunately, once you're labeled it's pretty hard to get unlabeled.

once i get labeled with schizophrenia its hard to get unlabeled? or with any mental illness in general its hard?

what do you mean by behavior?

its just extremely hard to get my head wrapped around that im delusional? i have evidence for my beliefs. my hallucinations well yea that happens -thats true. my cognitive stuff i believe is adhd or add. my negative symptoms i think are just me.

Probably with any, but the ones that seem to get people worried are bipolar and schizophrenia and anything involving psychosis.

Whatever behavior is raising concerns. The chief ones would probably be any suicidal behavior or talk, any threats toward other people, and any signs that you can't care for yourself and keep yourself safe. I don't know if that would get the label removed, but it would certainly get people off your back.

I don't know. Maybe someone else here could address that.

should i just lie to my psychiatrist?

i dont believe im delusional. i have people following me. why cant anyone believe that? is it that hard to believe? ive had people on me since i was born. ive been blacklisted by some govt entity - which i swear to god idk who they are. with all details put aside - the fact is they want me dead. maybe its the freemasons - maybe idk WHO. but while im trying to save this world and HELP everyone - basically the more i do the more i get put #1 on their list to kill.

is that so hard to believe?

and its not like im suicidal. its just these people wanting to kill me makes me depressed. but if someone was trying to kill you wouldnt you be sad about that? i have to kill myself to save the world.

its ok.
thanks anyway

found something to help to me

im going to be in the national news. watch and see. i was ALREADY in local news for this. they GOT me. then they had a detective come to my house and ask me questions for hm some "no apparent reason". im going national on this. anyone whos in the usa will see me. and anyone who is global will know me too eventually probably.

you all think im delusional or pulling something fast on you all.
im not.