[newtus]

about 5 years ago when i was walking through a downtown area in my city at the time this young african american lady ran through a parking garage and stripped off all her clothes naked and stabbed a middle aged woman. they said later she was mentally ill and had a psychotic episode.

i was about 20 feet away.

over time ive had nightmares about it.

NOW...

listen.
i could swear that if i didnt do that then that was a setup to tell me to do that. like some sort of briefing or covert signal message. becuase look ---> young black female. with mental health issues. THATS ME. yea im half black fine. BUT...i could swear that that was some sort of covert operating system that was telling me to do that someday soon.

and then over the past five years i would do things like buy knives and draw pictures of people stabbing people.

[costello]

Originally Posted by newtus

i was about 20 feet away.

over time ive had nightmares about it.

That sounds like a terrible thing to see. I imagine a lot of people might have nightmares after that.

i could swear that if i didnt do that then that was a setup to tell me to do that. like some sort of briefing or covert signal message. becuase look ---> young black female. with mental health issues. THATS ME. yea im half black fine. BUT...i could swear that that was some sort of covert operating system that was telling me to do that someday soon.

I doubt there's a covert message here, newtus. If I see someone who resembles me on a couple of parameters - a middle-aged white woman, for example - doing something horrible, I don't assume it's a message to me to act the same way. But if there is a covert message, maybe it's telling you to take care of your mental health so you don't act out in destructive ways, small or large.

and then over the past five years i would do things like buy knives and stab animals and draw pictures of people stabbing people.

That doesn't sound wholesome. Why don't you find something to do with your time that doesn't reinforce negative thoughts and feelings?

[KUREHA]

I know I could probably would do something if I was really freaked out.
Proving my ex psychologist right, that's why I try not to go out with my knife to much.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by costello

I doubt there's a covert message here, newtus. If I see someone who resembles me on a couple of parameters - a middle-aged white woman, for example - doing something horrible, I don't assume it's a message to me to act the same way. But if there is a covert message, maybe it's telling you to take care of your mental health so you don't act out in destructive ways, small or large.
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That doesn't sound wholesome. Why don't you find something to do with your time that doesn't reinforce negative thoughts and feelings?

sometimes i wonder you know? about the message.

im really really having a hard time finding things to do with my time. this stuff this nightmares and the dark secrets are getting worse.

[costello]

Originally Posted by newtus

im really really having a hard time finding things to do with my time. this stuff this nightmares and the dark secrets are getting worse.

My son has a hard time finding enough to do too. Anything he does is 'risky' in the sense that it might stress him out too much. Nevertheless he (and you) must find something productive to do.

Sorry about the nightmares and the dark secrets.

[faerie_moon_x]

I agree with costello that if there is any message in what you saw, it would be to take care of yourself so that you don't end up like that lady.

Also, I would think seeing something like that could cause post traumatic stress, which I think causes a lot of nightmares and flashbacks and dark thoughts. It would have a very big effect on you, really, and maybe more so because you do have some mental health concern already.

I know when I allow myself to get bored that's when my obsessive thoughts take over, or I get really restless and can't sit still. It can be hard to relax and find things to do to take your mind off of bad things sometimes. I understand that.

[newtus]

i had this heavy intense daydream that i stabbed someone in the grocery store today. when the daydream let me go i thought i really stabbed someone and i turned to some lady and told her was sorry and that i didnt mean to hurt her and she looked at me for awhile and then looked behind me and looked away. then i thought she wasnt saying anything cause i thought by law she wasnt allowed to communicate wif me and then i thought the police were looking for me in the store and i got real paranoid i thought i did something really bad.

[newtus]

i always have heavy intense daydreams. anywhere and everywhere even when im driving and i lose 100% complete awareness of my surroundings. i dont hear anyone or see anything in reality. its like the contents of my mind replace visually replace everything and i mean everything in reality. its like putting virtual goggles on my eyes or something.

a few times that happened i "woke up" from them and i was walking in the middle of the street. a couple of times i was driving and then i "woke up" and i had no idea where i was. one was really bad i had to call my parent cause i was literally lost but i had been on the same road before. i got really confused.

so many stories about that stuff.

[faerie_moon_x]

Yes, that sounds very scary to suddenly wake up and you are confused and disoriented like that. It makes me wonder if maybe you are actually falling into a sleep state and then sleep walking. Some people can sleep with their eyes open, you know?

Be careful since you say it happens when you drive. I know you have no control on it probably. Hopefully part of your mind is still aware even if you're not.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

Yes, that sounds very scary to suddenly wake up and you are confused and disoriented like that. It makes me wonder if maybe you are actually falling into a sleep state and then sleep walking. Some people can sleep with their eyes open, you know?

Be careful since you say it happens when you drive. I know you have no control on it probably. Hopefully part of your mind is still aware even if you're not.

i think its caused by extreme anxiety

when i was a teen they thouggt i had social anxiety disorder. my anxiety is through the roof daily. i vomit sometimes because it can be overwhelming. i used to vomit everyday before school so i had to quit eating breakfast when i was about 12. i dont eat breakfast anymore. my first meal is after 12pm IF i eat at all.

[costello]

I think you need more sleep.

Wow that sounds scary Newtus

Twice I've dissociated completely and lost between 1-2hrs. Just 'woke up' in my favourite park having no memory of how I got there (1 time I drove, the other time I walked). Both times were caused by extreme stress & anger (I'm scared of being angry cos I saw my brother lose control & become violent & abusive when I was younger) at my first pdoc who completely dismissed me.

Now I still dissociate but I can bring myself back by focusing on my senses eg touching things, or listening to sounds, or taking photos with my phone & focusing on the beauty around me etc. Maybe that would help you? I know with regards to driving that our subconscious is still paying attention, but it's still scary & potentially dangerous, so if you can identify a trigger then try to avoid driving then. Don't want you to get hurt

*Willow*

[newtus]

yes costello i do agree but for some reason im not that tired???

ugh maybe my fear confirmed cause someone not family told me today im talking and it makes no sense and i am "seem very sick".

[faerie_moon_x]

Well, lack of sleep can cause a lot of issues as well. It puts a real strain on your mind. So if you're lacking sleep it can really trigger problems. With or without sz it would cause problems, so maybe for you it may make them worse.

I have generalized anxiety disorder as well as all the rest, so I have huge anxiety all the time. I also used to get so bad I get sick to my stomach, too. I don't throw up, I get sick... uhm... the other way.... So, anxiety is a terrible thing. I also don't eat right when I get up because I get really nauseated from anxiety, too.