Bad?

@atypical disaster

thank you and i will.

seroquel was the one that messed me up. so bad.

a psychdoc missiagnosed me as bipolar and had me on lithium and all this stuff like seroquel AND ABILIFY AND LITHIUM at verrrrrry high doses in the high hundreds Mg. i became extremely sick and still deal with secondary side effects and will for years. i almost became diabetic. anyway yea.

I hope you start feeling better soon, Atypical. That sounds terrible, what you are going through. Thanks for sharing your experience.

You're welcome.

Seroquel is ****ing horrible, isn't it?

I have a high suspicion that I've been misdiagnosed as bipolar as well, because while I've had some of the symptoms before I don't have them nearly long term enough or to the level of debilitating it is for people that actually have it... so yeah. I get that it's complicated for docs to figure this stuff out but seriously... I'm getting so angry at being misdiagnosed...

you have a right to be.

Thank you so much.

Thanks for the validation. I'm so sick of the bull**** you know? It's just ugh... I could rant about how many times I've been misdiagnosed for awhile, hah.

a lot iss too many but it happens.
i only have been twice. but one time was a sub doc in the hospital he was in for one day in the middle of week. reg doc came back and told him i obviously wasnt. the other main time the doc was half incompetent. didnt listen to not inly me but didnt want to hear what my dad would tell him about me. and lots of other mishandling. it was bad. he told me i was lying about hearing voices. said i was "extremely bipolar". and threatened hospital a lot. bad bad bad doc.

Geez, that's horrible that a doctor would actually say something like that.

I don't understand why someone would lie about hearing voices, moral implications aside, there would be absolutely zero benefit socially or otherwise in doing so.

I've been told I was lying about my psychosis before too. It was like... well, WTF..

Abilify made me fall asleep during class in school.

It really pissed the teachers off.

They took me off it, and I was awake again. The antipsychotic medication wasn't even working on Mariah anyway. I keep on telling these stupidass psychiatrists that they can not get rid of her or her friends and that they said they were not leaving...

Nobody ****ing listens to me when I tell them these things and they think they're so ****ing smart. To be honest, if it were a mental illness, it would have been controlled by now!

They are demons, not diseases!!!

I have heard a lot about shrinks saying a person is lying about their psychosis. i seriously doubt most of us would make this stuff up. for what benefit?

That's exactly it. What benefit is there? I can't see any.

i was taking 4 meds for 2 years straight. i told him everything that was going on with me and i felt betrayed because of that. i was ready and willing to take any medicine because i didnt want to be in hospitals.

i saw the Dr.
he gave me 2mg two times a day. i told him a previous doc gave me 5mg haldol 2 times a day. so he lowered it. he gave it to me because we literally tried everything. he said that too. i only have a script for yea haldol and xanax. it does make me feel better except really sleepy. but...honestly im so lonely. im willing to take a beating so much with the voices tauntig me and telling me things becAuse every once and awhile they will say something nice. rare. but it happens. i only have my dad to say nice things to me and i want other people to so the voices while horrendously mean are kind of a companion. they have no personalities. just random phrases and i cant control what they say. but sometimes they will engage me in houred conversations within my mind. i wonder off and on if these are actually voices. i hear 40 and 50 yr old in my head trying to engage me. but i hear people talkigg that comes from outside me too. then theres that little space between my skull and physical brain that microphones voices around in my head.

im becoming mentally and physically exhausted of the voices lately though. but i took that haldol for a few days. and felt SO completely lonely. life looked rather bleak than fearful. very empty instead of full. it was sooo quiet. i couldnt stand the quiet. i couldnt stand it so quit the medication. the paranoia did not leave or anything except the voices in and around me but i was so lonely as i am so physically alone most of the time anyway.

i pass the days walking around in my house or around outside the house or sitting on a patio alone talking to these...idk who they are...these mostly men sometimes women in and around me.

Loneliness is a terrible thing.

Even in a crowded place you can feel completely alone. I know that feeling. Humans need contact. Need. It's like food, water, and shelter. We are made to be in small groups. So, you have your dad but that is too small of a group. And, I know how hard it is to make friends and be the outsider. So, I don't know how to help in that or how to find friends. It just seems like chance when you find people to talk to you, that's how it feels to me.

I wish you could have a nice voice to talk to you. Even just one. If you must endure the voices, I wish you had one that was friendly. It's interesting they are all older people who are mean to you. I wonder what causes voices to be the way they are. My voices don't have personality either but I only hear them one time and they go away. And, usually they don't say anything at me, just talking around me... So, I don't know.

....!!!
i wonder DAILY why these voices are older people.
plus NEVER heard any other ethnicity except caucasian voices.
i never considered THAT part til 3 months ago. .
but they are OLDER and mostly...MEN.
i also can tell they come from the 1950s

I don't know. Some ideas I have are that like white men from the 1950s were portrayed as in charge, authority figures. You know that whole "the man" persona. "The man" is trying to keep us down. You know? Also, in media they are often portrayed as rigid in their beliefs and thinking, especially more currently.

So, I don't know. Or maybe at some point you had some sort of run in with a man like that when you were a kid. Maybe you don't even remember it. But, maybe something happened that stuck to your subconcious.

Just ideas I had in thinking about it.

ive had a lot of run ins with bad people of every race. but i think i dont feel as scared of everyone as i do white and white men. unfortunately i may have a huge idea of where that comes from. quite unfortunate actually.

I see. You don't need to say the reason, but I was thinking something might be the case like that.

So, I think that's probably a source of your voices. And, maybe if somehow you find a way to resolve whatever it was in your own mind, then maybe the voices will change. But, if that's not possible, then at least maybe it's a starting point to understanding the why of these mean voices.

but the thing is i think it developed because my dad unfortunately sort of has a complex but hes extremely wise about people and life. hes a baby boomer african american. he grew up in rural mississippi. so he speaks a lot about what he says "europeans". descent. hes not racist but he has a bit of a complex like hes sensitive to stereotypes. hes made his way in life by himself and further than the average person.

but at that i heard him speak about that stuff since i was child. i actually wish i hadnt. but i know it wouldnt have mattered too much. because it wouldve evened out like it is now. is that i dont hate a group of people i hate society in general. i learned theres bad everywhere and not just here and there for me but everywhere FOR ME. people hate ME. most of the bullies in high school were african american. ironic right? but it was. they called me whitewashed. and other stuff.

but on the other hand im only half black.
but its tends to define my whole life anyway.

It is unfortunate but that could be it. I think sometimes parents don't realize what the things they say out loud do to their kids perception. My dad was a teen in the 1950s and he has that mentality still to this day. I was lucky I had my mom who was an open minded person and I'm more like her. Even at 13 after she died her influance had been more on me than my dad.

People being bullies to you over race is terrible. I don't understand it. I'm Italian American really, so that's white. But who cares what color someone is? It depends on the soul in their body and how they use their brains. Judging on skin tone is superficially. Good people is good people regardless of anything else. It's terrible that happened.

I got bullied because I'm "ugly." Ugly. My face isn't arranged in the proper configuration to be a model or movie star, so therefore, I got beat up and knocked down and called names. Stupid. But, yeah, it's effected my whole life and my whole perception of the world and of myself. Erasing that has not worked.

most of my bullying was race or my looks. i have no eyebrows or eyelashes cause i have trichotillomania.

nowadays its mostly on my mentality and then some on my race still. people think im retarted because how i talk or think. or think im a druggie cause what i talk about. almost all find out quick im mentally ill just by looking and mainly interacting with me.

Well, don't worry about those people because it's obviously not true. You're very smart and not on drugs. I know it's lonely to be surrounded by haters. Learning to think to myself "it doesn't matter what they think, I know the truth about me," that has helped me a lot recently. I even use it in my reality checking when I start to flip out. It doesn't always work, but it helps a little.