Roll Call 16

Newtus please don't do anything to hurt yourself. I really like you and I enjoy talking to you and I would miss you terribly if you weren't here. We're all in this together and we are here to support each other. Please know that you can talk to us about anything.

Why aren't your guns locked up in a gunsafe? I'm assuming they are your dad's he should know better than that....I mean geeze that was one of the first things my new pdoc asked me was if I had any weapons...

Can you unload them? Tell your dad to hide the bullets somewhere so you aren't tempted?

Sorry I was typing while you were writing that...

Oh, it will change all right.
How do you think your father would feel?

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hah omg i cant do that. i cant say that to my dad. i dont have the guts to say anything to him.

they always have asked me the gun question since i was 13 and first hospitalized. i always say "no". because my dads like a man man. hes got guns and cars and all things that a man man has. you know? if someone took those things away from him hed be so mad at me.

i have another confession to make.

i held those guns loaded before to my head with my hand on the trigger when he was gone once. i shoot myself regularly with air guns with those plastic pellets.

awful. and its weird because i feel like im really suffering but even tho i still hear voices and get paranoid - im not suffering that way so much. im suffering in a different way that i havent felt in a long time.

No they can't take them from him...but he should have them locked up so you can't get to them...

Guns are so weird...my dad showed me how to use a handgun when I was 17 I never fired it but he didn't want me home alone when they went out of town for a family wedding while I was taking the SATs...

Anyway they have such a sense of power it's the weirdest thing I ever felt...so strong and yet so creepy...

Maybe you can come up with an alternate plan that's harder to carry out...for example when I was sick I changed poisoning myself with something in the lab to learning to ride a motorcycle....there is some percentage of death associated with that because we call them donor cycles in medicine...but also it's wild and invigorating...

I didn't actually have a plan currently until talking to the new pdoc made me aware I didn't have one...my new plan is to goto Australia and seek out a blue ringed octopus...the are highly venomous...100x more potent than cyanide but first I have to get to the Australian coast which may be beautiful and change my mind.

So that's my question...can you change it to something harder to carry out with less chance of success and a greater probability that you will be inspired and change your mind?

Anyway I hope you can find a way to not do this...it would be horrible for you to just not show up here one day...

Ive come close to doing the same as you.
Then I think of how MY actions will affect my mom and dad and kids and brother and sister etc. Its not just me anymore. Its everyone else who loves me that have to suffer. So yea...been there, changed my mind every time.

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Newtus please don't try to unload those guns. Only a very experienced gun person should do this. Please just don't touch them. Killing yourself will not solve anything. If anything it will send your dad to an early grave because he will be so hurt and will blame himself for your death. Please don't put that burden on him and most importantly don't hurt yourself. There's a huge chance that you won't die and you'll just end up severely injured and may even end up stuck in a bed not able to do for yourself. Your body would be your prison and I know you don't want that!

I was most suicidal right when I was getting better...it's much harder with insight...

idk. i dont know what thing to do with my life.

sometimes i tell myself id rather be full blown psychotic than depressed. depression is a thing of its own. its a feeling you cant describe. depression is like ...its like theres a hole in your heart and mind thats filled with poison.

I have suicidal thoughts very often too. But I also think it through and think of how much hurt and heart break I would cause my kids. I have no family just my kids. And my beautiful Daisy could not live without her mom! So I talk myself out of it every single time... I just keep on trying and taking it day by day and hoping and praying that the next day will be a better day... if it's not then I hope and pray for the next day to be better.....I cannot give up and I cannot allow this Mental Illness to beat me! I refuse and you need to refuse too Newtus!

ive researched how to properly kill yourself. and i bet i know how to do it without ending up in a vegetative state.

but that aside...i dont want to do that to my dad. but i suffer right now in such a way that i cant imagine what to do every second of every day.

Is there anything you would like to try that you've never had a chance to?

Is there any place in the world you would like to see....mountains ocean other countries cities etc?

Also this may be a sign you are getting better...what if you just got better 6 months from now and could go back to school etc...

If you could have anything in the world what would it be?

Depression is an awful beast!!! I deal with it every single moment of my life and some days are so much worse than others. I am at a point in my life where I know I need a change but I don't know what that change should be. I can totally relate to how you are feeling Newtus. This is my daily life and has been for a while now but I get angry at my Depression and I refuse to allow it to take me out completely. I fight back with everything in me!

theres a lot of things i wish for. i wish i had real life friends to hug and hang around. i wish i had a boyfriend. i wish i could go back to hollywood and see universal studios. i wish i could live on my own. i wish i could goto school. i wsh i could have a job that i love. i wish that stuff.

A vegetative state is always a possibility! I feel your pain Newtus I really, really do and I know how hard Depression is. But remember you have us here on Roll Call 24/7 and we're here to support you and lift you up when you can't lift yourself up!

Are you taking any sort of antidepressant...not that you need more meds but just wondering if you'd ever tried it...my cousin is on cymbalta and it's like night and day with her...

Have you ever seen hyperbole and a half ? She has a great comic on depression...

Hyperbole and a Half: Depression Part Two

So there are people that get better from this...

These are very valid wishes.
Ive been to universal.studio.in orlando. Very cool. When is the last time you went?

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no im not on an antidepressant. i did think about asking my doc for one but it wouldnt work. they seem to make me worse.

is this a sign of me getting better? maybe.
id like to stop my meds though.

Every single thing you listed IS possible Newtus! Please don't give up on yourself or on your dreams!!!

last time i went i was 9 years old.

As long as there is still stuff that you want then you aren't done here...

OK to me the easiest one by far is Hollywood....I've been there it's pretty cool...loved the Jurassic park ride at universal studios and there was some sort of city walk just outside there with people getting henna tattoos and eating all sorts of fun stuff. Also there was a movie theater I saw gladiator...everything is better in Hollywood it was more like a football game than a movie the crowd was just going crazy...I saw the walk of fame and there were jacaranda trees in bloom...so yeah just picture all that fun stuff that you can have if you just wait...

School people jobs etc that you can work on with your T, it will take time....it took me a full year on Craigslist until I met my best friend...you just have to keep trying and failing and getting back up again until you finally get what you want...