Looking in the mirror

With my schizoaffective disorder i get a lot of symptoms of depersonalisation.

One of them is when i look in the mirror, my face feels really inflexible and i look at my face and i don't know who i am. I don't even understand what i look like. All i see is this construction of eyes, nose, lips, and i know what these things do, but i don't see them as belonging to me.

Infact i don't feel like my mind ends somewhere, outside my body, nor my body ends at it's edges. It's very hard to live like this.

These are just some of my symptoms.

I think I can relate to what you wrote. Reality seems to become less real to me at those times....maybe not less real, but more like fake or false as in a fading dream. If I close my eyes at those times, I can even forget the world and myself, and I can be surprised by what I see when I open them. As for what you mentioned about not feeling that your mind ends somewhere, I get that as well, but it is a dangerous thing for me, as it can lead me to suicidal thinking, because I start to "understand" that this "reality" is just a pinpoint that has trapped my mind into thinking this is where it should be, when there is so much "being" that can be experienced if I were to shake this mortal coil my mind has thought up. So....when I start to feel these thoughts coming on, or the preceding depersonalization, I work up a very light mania - talking, clapping, walking, something to focus on in the "here and now" and I can sometimes keep it at bay.

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i look at my face and i don't know who i am. I don't even understand what i look like. All i see is this construction of eyes, nose, lips, and i know what these things do, but i don't see them as belonging to me.

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I've done this, it was quite disturbing to me...I don't have any advice or anything helpful, but I've experienced it.

-BP