Roll Call.....#30

Well, in my opinion she should know that she heard your dad's voice mail. She should have called you instead of going behind your back like that. If she does quit therapy with you then that's a reflection on her, not you. It seems to me that she may be scared of you in a way.

thats what my dad said. but why would she be?

Well, you have a lot of aggressive thoughts. Openly stating those thoughts can shock/scare people who don't know how to handle it. That's probably why she sent you to the hospital awhile ago because you expressed that you wanted to hurt her. She didn't know how to handle it and got scared, and it seems to me like she never got over that incident.

yeah a lot of the bulk buyers are getting stuff for events though like church dinner or whatever----I just mentioned the peas because I vaguely remember a post on reddit that was taken from craigslist about paying someone to take a bath in ramen noodles and then leave so they can be consumed or whatever so I was picturing a bath in peas---

hm. when i was throwing away something yesterday she watched me almost like a hawk even turning her chair around to watch me goto the trash can. but that could have meant anything right? idk. idk what to say. i know i did scare her but she doesnt fully act physically scared of me.

I think if you don't bring it up its going to continue to be an issue---you are the one with privacy rights she is not. I would mention it to her and that you would prefer to do therapy.

It's almost like she had no idea that you would still be psychotic while on meds and doesn't know how to deal with it. You may have shattered her world view. Also it's like she thinks you're somehow incompetent to do therapy or something---I think some people seriously don't realize that hearing voices doesn't necessarily impact your ability to think through a situation---I mean it can for sure but its not like you're not understanding the words she's saying right?

Maybe it just goes down to that she doesn't know what to do with those with schizophrenia.

Hm, maybe you perceived it that way but it might have actually been true? I'm not sure because I wasn't there so...

But still, someone can be afraid of you without acting overtly physically intimidated. I've scared a lot of people over the years, and even if they don't overtly show it I can tell. It's in their eyes, their mannerisms, the way they talk, etc... it's a lot of little things that add up. But I'm good at reading people so maybe that's why I notice it?

I don't know what her training is like but I've seen on some of the pnurse forums to never turn your back on "a psychotic" so it could be a culturally learned behavior on her part. It might not have anything to do with you...

That made me laugh. Just wow.

i never thought of that but in my mind i would doubg that i mean she works with the highest risk population but ill keep that in mind

i told her i was still hearing voices but not much. ugh idk. i told her i dont think my meds were working and i dont want my dosage upped because you all know my fear of weight gain. but i didnt tell her because of weight gain i just said i didnt want them up and she said "well you know what we discussed about if you dont take your messed we WILL have to discharge you" and i said "i AM taking my meds i just dont want them UPPED".

See, her saying that seems totally unhelpful to me. You already know the agreement, she doesn't need to bring it up again especially since you made no indication that you were going to stop taking your meds.

ugh idk what to do

Is she fairly new newtus? She seems a bit amateurish to me

That's what I was thinking as well...

i think shes been there a long time. shes like 55 years old.

Maybe she's too old, like she's stuck in the old ways of dealing with mh.

i just think its how this clinic runs. when i was seeing that nurse and pdoc there they were the same way and they had been there awhile too

Is there anywhere else you could go besides this clinic? I'm asking because it seems like your needs are not being met there. This "therapist" is not doing any real therapy with you and it seems like she doesn't know what to do with sz patients.

My friend wants me to go out and wants me to go to the gay scene, I don't know where it is, but I don't want to be somewhere loud and busy and out at night. Then I don't even know if I'll get searched and I'll have my knife and then that will suck.

i went to one guy 1 time 1 or 2 months ago but he was so far. plus he said he didnt work with sz patients. so i quit him. its really hard finding someone who works with sz patients. im not in the best area to find someone.

I am feeling a little better still a bit foggy but better

Glad your feeling better. Hopefully it will clear up as the meds kick in

When I've been out the gay scene has always been really fun. Could you maybe go and not take a knife? If not it might be best not to go cos a lot of places will probably search bags and don't want you to have to deal with the repercussions of having a knife.