[sduck]

I have no other place to vent, no one to talk to. So I figured I'd share it here, continue to share my story. I feel like I have no control over anything anymore.
First off, I feel like I was 'the man' growing up, and it all changed as I got older, as stated in my previous thread, how it all changed.
I was recently ousted from an online community I used to participate in regularly. I once told them I was schizophrenic, and slowly over time it was turned against me. Instead of the community being mature enough to be sympathetic with what I live with, they used it as an excuse to try to cyberbully me and control me. One guy even going so far enough to make fun of me hearing voices. All I ever did was try to be fun and help people, in the only way I could, but to them it looked like a psychotic adventure. It's like once people see that 'label' on you, it completely defines your status in life. They were the only friends I had. If I could even call them friends. I have no friends. No one to support me. My mother no longer supports me, in fact she never did. Since today she's now controlling my medicine, thinking I'm becoming an addict for taking so much medicine.
I visited my doctor yesterday, instead of giving me the treatment I need, what I stated worked for me, he instead arrogantly refused and said I just need therapy. I don't need therapy, I've been pretty positive about life for recent years, but since now nothing is going my way, I am slowly becoming depressed again.
I have no control over anything that goes on in my life. Everyone takes advantage of me. I feel like I'm cursed. Designed to suffer for a crime I didn't do.

[Sometimes psychotic]

People on the internet often are more rude than they would be irl....hopefully you find a new home here....feel free to join us on roll call....

[Loial]

You'll have support here.

Originally Posted by sduck

I have no other place to vent, no one to talk to. So I figured I'd share it here, continue to share my story. I feel like I have no control over anything anymore.

Welcome Sduck! I hope you find it safe to post here

Originally Posted by sduck

First off, I feel like I was 'the man' growing up, and it all changed as I got older, as stated in my previous thread, how it all changed.

I can really relate to this feeling. I've always had low self esteem so I never appreciated how good (academic, kind, patient, hard working, capable, sociable etc) I was in my late teens, but I look back at the things I used to do then vs now and I feel like a completely alien person. And even though I never appreciated her back then, I long for a magic wand to go back to how things were...but that's never going to happen.

Originally Posted by sduck

I was recently ousted from an online community I used to participate in regularly. I once told them I was schizophrenic, and slowly over time it was turned against me. Instead of the community being mature enough to be sympathetic with what I live with, they used it as an excuse to try to cyberbully me and control me. One guy even going so far enough to make fun of me hearing voices. All I ever did was try to be fun and help people, in the only way I could, but to them it looked like a psychotic adventure.

That really sucks! I'm sorry that you've had to endure such bullying. I've had people make fun of my experiences in the last few years and it really, really hurts because it takes a lot to open up to people about these experiences because of fear of not being believed or rejected, and then it happens and it's awful. But you won't be made fun of here Sduck because we all know what it feels like to believe something that others don't.

Originally Posted by sduck

I visited my doctor yesterday, instead of giving me the treatment I need, what I stated worked for me, he instead arrogantly refused and said I just need therapy.

I'm sorry that your doctor dismissed you Was this a psychiatrist? What treatment were you wanting?

Originally Posted by sduck

I don't need therapy, I've been pretty positive about life for recent years, but since now nothing is going my way, I am slowly becoming depressed again. I have no control over anything that goes on in my life. Everyone takes advantage of me. I feel like I'm cursed. Designed to suffer for a crime I didn't do.

Originally Posted by sduck

It's like once people see that 'label' on you, it completely defines your status in life. They were the only friends I had. If I could even call them friends. I have no friends. No one to support me. My mother no longer supports me, in fact she never did. Since today she's now controlling my medicine, thinking I'm becoming an addict for taking so much medicine.

I know that you think that you don't need therapy, but I think that therapy might help you deal with the things you wrote in the last 2 quotations and the cyber bullying you experienced. Therapy is not just to deal with abuse or stuff like that in the past: experiencing psychosis can be traumatic in itself and, even if you had a positive experience of voices or delusions at the time, getting your head around the idea that you might be sick and that your mind made up those experiences yet was so convincing is a very difficult thing to come to terms with, in my experience anyway.

That is why I am in therapy at the moment, though I've only just started. I doubt so much of what I've experienced from years of my thoughts and experiences being dismissed as symptoms and then more recently as made up, that I've lost touch with my sense of self - am I sick? Am I lying? How do I reconcile myself to the fact that these experiences are real for me, but not real for others? How do I work out when my mind is lying to me? And my therapist wants me to learn to like and accept the person that I am now, even though I despise her for being so pathetic compared to the 17-year-old me who was so capable and showed so much promise.

I hope that you will consider therapy anyway. Even though your doctor was a jerk about it, maybe they truly believe that therapy would help you? Maybe you can't relate to my feelings, but I believe that, if I had had access to therapy back when the voices and thoughts were starting and I was diagnosed as having various psychosis-something-or-other, maybe I wouldn't be in the mess that I currently am doubting my self and whether I could have made everything up? And I wouldn't want to inflict this on anyone, so would advise everyone to find someone competent to talk to. You need to nip the depression and feeling of loss of control in the bud while you still can - you are worth it and there isn't a 'trivial' reason to go to therapy.

Regardless of what you decide to do treatment-wise, I wish you all the best and hope that you continue posting here

*Willow*

[insilence]

[sduck]

Thanks everyone for all the support.

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

Welcome Sduck! I hope you find it safe to post here

Thanks

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

I can really relate to this feeling. I've always had low self esteem so I never appreciated how good (academic, kind, patient, hard working, capable, sociable etc) I was in my late teens, but I look back at the things I used to do then vs now and I feel like a completely alien person. And even though I never appreciated her back then, I long for a magic wand to go back to how things were...but that's never going to happen.

Yeah. I was the star football player on my little league team, had loads of friends and respect, and then it all slowly changed.

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

That really sucks! I'm sorry that you've had to endure such bullying. I've had people make fun of my experiences in the last few years and it really, really hurts because it takes a lot to open up to people about these experiences because of fear of not being believed or rejected, and then it happens and it's awful. But you won't be made fun of here Sduck because we all know what it feels like to believe something that others don't.

It wasn't a good community to begin with, but I didn't realize that up until recent years. I spent 5 years apart of it, and they all turned against me, especially when I told them I had a illness.

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

I'm sorry that your doctor dismissed you Was this a psychiatrist? What treatment were you wanting?

I'm actually not sure what kind of doctor he is. He just prescribes me my medication after every visit. I wanted to boost my abilify from 15mg to 30mg, because 15mg is too low for me, and I also wanted to add haldol at a decent dosage, but he refused and said I needed counseling for asking for too much. I've told him, it worked for me, when I took them together, but he's pretty strict when it comes to these things.

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

I know that you think that you don't need therapy, but I think that therapy might help you deal with the things you wrote in the last 2 quotations and the cyber bullying you experienced. Therapy is not just to deal with abuse or stuff like that in the past: experiencing psychosis can be traumatic in itself and, even if you had a positive experience of voices or delusions at the time, getting your head around the idea that you might be sick and that your mind made up those experiences yet was so convincing is a very difficult thing to come to terms with, in my experience anyway.

That is why I am in therapy at the moment, though I've only just started. I doubt so much of what I've experienced from years of my thoughts and experiences being dismissed as symptoms and then more recently as made up, that I've lost touch with my sense of self - am I sick? Am I lying? How do I reconcile myself to the fact that these experiences are real for me, but not real for others? How do I work out when my mind is lying to me? And my therapist wants me to learn to like and accept the person that I am now, even though I despise her for being so pathetic compared to the 17-year-old me who was so capable and showed so much promise.

I hope that you will consider therapy anyway. Even though your doctor was a jerk about it, maybe they truly believe that therapy would help you? Maybe you can't relate to my feelings, but I believe that, if I had had access to therapy back when the voices and thoughts were starting and I was diagnosed as having various psychosis-something-or-other, maybe I wouldn't be in the mess that I currently am doubting my self and whether I could have made everything up? And I wouldn't want to inflict this on anyone, so would advise everyone to find someone competent to talk to. You need to nip the depression and feeling of loss of control in the bud while you still can - you are worth it and there isn't a 'trivial' reason to go to therapy.

The reason why I feel I don't need therapy; I've been pretty down about life for some years, and my brother has been the most supportive for me. He just tells me the truth and reality about life, and I make up my mind to think positive and keep going, and that things will turn out great in the future. I've had therapist in the past and none of them made me feel this way, it's like talking to a stranger.

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

Regardless of what you decide to do treatment-wise, I wish you all the best and hope that you continue posting here

*Willow*

Thanks again.

Originally Posted by sduck

Yeah. I was the star football player on my little league team, had loads of friends and respect, and then it all slowly changed.

Originally Posted by sduck

It wasn't a good community to begin with, but I didn't realize that up until recent years. I spent 5 years apart of it, and they all turned against me, especially when I told them I had a illness.

Originally Posted by sduck

I'm actually not sure what kind of doctor he is. He just prescribes me my medication after every visit. I wanted to boost my abilify from 15mg to 30mg, because 15mg is too low for me, and I also wanted to add haldol at a decent dosage, but he refused and said I needed counseling for asking for too much. I've told him, it worked for me, when I took them together, but he's pretty strict when it comes to these things.

Do you see him for your physical health too? Otherwise he sounds like a psychiatrist as most GPs wouldn't feel comfortable prescribing 2 APs together. If you've been on that treatment before and found it helpful, perhaps you need to change doctors to one who respects your opinion?

Originally Posted by sduck

The reason why I feel I don't need therapy; I've been pretty down about life for some years, and my brother has been the most supportive for me. He just tells me the truth and reality about life, and I make up my mind to think positive and keep going, and that things will turn out great in the future. I've had therapist in the past and none of them made me feel this way, it's like talking to a stranger.

The bits I've bolded seem to conflict as I read them. It sounds like you talk to your brother and you feel more hopeful, resolve to look on life positively...but still feel down about life. The number of times I've tried to look on the bright side...it is not a magical cure all as some portray it. I think it is important to remain hopeful, but that will not cure misery in itself.

Talking to a therapist is like talking to a stranger! Especially at first. I've seen mine only 6 sessions so far, and so he knows very little about me, and I know even less about him. The reason I feel he might be helpful is not cos it feels like we've known each other for years or we could be friends or whatever, it's because he listens to what I say and actually HEARS me. I find that very validating because most people I know tried/try to 'fix' me ie do this or do that, try this med or that. I've tried thinking positive and faking it but never 'made it' and after a while the pretence is exhausting and the mask slips. So I'm trying something different. I'm very nervous about it because I've been burnt before, but it's so nice to actually feel heard! I believe that the right therapist can work wonders. The trick is finding a good fit, which it doesn't sound like you have had in the past

*Willow*