Roll Call 36

i was playing catch and for the first time my mind and rest of my body wanted to keep playing but my lungs just went so out of breath i felt nauseaous. i still cant breath well. AND im still smoking. its cause of smoking. ugh wow

i couldnt breathe normally for about an hour or two. idk if half of that was part of anxiety from not being able to breathe.

i think im hearing and see ghosts. they are trying to say something surrounding me...

i think im quitting the cigs for the rest of the night. i threw up my dinner.

i met with T. it went well. we were talking about paranoia. he wants me to work on my magical thinking. we talked about how hard it is to let go of it bc ive been thinking this way for a long long time. since i was little. he asked me when i remember it first starting. so i told him. i remember it like it was yesterday. i dont wanna type it out cuz its really sad and its about my dad and it will make me cry. but yeah. he wants me to pay attention to it more and try to get reality checks around it.

it was a good session. we are meeting again on tuesday

ah good ol' everclear... Warning... do not drink it straight. I did once and I about choked. It's illegal to sale it here in Ohio but since Kentucky it's legal we get it while we're in Kentucky for a convention.

I'm still stressing about T I saw him Thursday and basically told him that I didn't trust him right now, but I was a bit rude and I feel bad about it now. He was good though because, even though he didn't like what I said (his foot twitched each time I said anything bad about him, but I wasn't looking at him so idk what his face looked like), he didn't get cross or defensive with me. But I'm still confused: either that means he's a good T not to take it personally, or he's a good double agent and is trying to keep me on side to keep messing with my head??

It's also our 12th session next week and we said we'd review again. If this was on the NHS, it'd be my last session, but I still feel as confused as I was before I started. I don't feel it's because he's a rubbish T or because I'm being resistant, I just don't think this is easy to solve cos, if it was, I wouldn't need him in the first place!

I am worried that he's getting fed up of me though because it's the same stuff over and over, but my brain is broken and that was the tool that I most relied on to figure things out, so without it I'm just screwed. I think I've got dementia because I relate to my grandfather with it soooooo much. I've got a GP appt in 2 weeks to discuss my sleep med, but idk if I can trust him either? I don't trust anyone right now, not even my parents. I know that everyone just thinks I'm being silly cos what 28yo gets dementia?!

*Willow*

Well I took more meds than supposed to to try and sleep. And now I'm probably going back to the hospital. I'm so tired. I'm crying this sucks, but I'll probably need to be in for at least 2 weeks. I might be going to the horrible one...

I just don't know what else I can take safely...

But it might not be into Monday. I don't think you guys realize how hard it is on your mind and body when you're not sleeping. It's worse for me bc I feel all drugged up too but can't sleep, it suuuuuccccckkkkssssss!!!!!!

Atypical check ur mail...

I'm sorry you're not sleeping....I wish I had more to say but my sleep issues tend to go away when I get the hallucinations under control so I've never been on real sleep meds and don't know a lot about them.

I'm sorry you have to go into the hospital but I hope they figure it out this time.....

what are you guys doing

my xanax quit working a long time ago

Cooking ....pot roast and spaghetti....laundry, groceries...just got a chocolate chip ice cream sandwich it cost way to much like $3 but I try not to keep this stuff in the house....

How about You?

Laying in bed sick, unfortunately...

That often happens when people take benzos long term. You end up developing a tolerance for them...

I think I'm just going to read a bit before bed.

That bed part threw me it's like 3pm over here

Yeah and I wouldn't need to go to the hospital if my dumb psych nurse would work with me over the phone. I don't see her until October 21 st though. I took massive amounts of meds to sleep. I kinda slept, but total maybe 3 hrs. I'm gonna wait until Monday to go I think or tomorrow. I just hope I get into the higher quality hospital...thanks though sometimes psychotic .

Sorry you're going through this Sunshine. It sounds exhausting. I can hardly function if I don't get my 8 hours. If anything I probably sleep too much unless I'm JUST off my medication and somehow I manage to function with just 3 hours a sleep for the whole weekend while drinking.

well my mom is coming tomorrow. so i am trying to clean today. it look me a long time to finally get started. ive been taking tylenol and ibuprofin for my back. it hurts really really bad on the lower left side. the tylenol and ibuprofin eased the pain a bit so i got the front room clean and i was working on my bedroom until i sneezed and it really fcking hurt my back and then it started hurting worse again. so i am taking a break. i really want to get my apartment clean.

im spending the night at my moms tonight. everyones saying im actingg weird. i just said my meds arent working... idk what to say...i feel bad. hearingg voices and paranoid

and yea i need more and more xanax to get it to work

27 People Confess To The ?Fattest Thing? They?ve Ever Done | Thought Catalog

This is an interesting read... makes me feel better about my food choices for the past couple of days.

HAHAHAHA, my favorite was number 16... HA HA HA.

that ws funny, erti

well i got my room cleaned. thats all i can do for today. its progress. i just hope my mom isnt disappointed when she sees the kitchen. i told her it wasnt cleaned. practically ALL my dishes are on the counter dirty. why do i have such a hard time cleaning????? is it related to psychosis???