Roll Call 36

Orange and grape pop doesn't have caffeine in it. At least with the brands we get.

i pretty much just about had it with my life. im seriously thinking about quitting volunteerig. i just dont enjoy it. ive been hearing more voices and been more paranoid lately and like i keep saying ive had it up to here with my weight.

lol my old high school theatre teacher who is also an English teacher made a video. Dead Words... words you should avoid using when writing an essay. I thought it was cute. There's this thing called teachupsidedown thing she's doing at the school she's teaching now. Sounds pretty cool.

A lot of crystal light doesn't have caffeine too.

I received a wax burner for Christmas. It's a nice one, but the end of this vanilla one won't burn, it's driving me nuts.

I'm getting groceries tomorrow and starting my walking video. I just don't stick to it though. It Hurst so my sister Kim said I probably associate it with pain. So I'm only gonna do a couple mins of it. Damn back.

Im so hungry. My son isn't off work until 9. Then he's picking us up a couple groceries. I really want this roasted chicken that the grocery store my son works at sells. It's so good. It's really fresh and already made. Wish I could bake chicken that good, lol. Roasted chicken with corn and French bread sounds good. I was able to sleep without the zyprexa. But the risperdal makes me hungry too...Ugh.

Have you heard of rooibos tea? I started this two days ago and think I lost about a pound though its still too early to tell. It has a similar chemical action to metformin but is just a type of africanbush tea. I haven't changed anything about my eating I just added the tea...you should try it. It certainly can't hurt you....I even got the chai version and am adding salted caramel syrup. It's pretty tasty and decaf.

like this past monday i went to volunteer and i just dreaded walking in. and dreaded it the whole time. but as i was walking in i was like "this is gonna get better" but then it just got worse. i didnt enjoy the cats. i didnt enjoy being there. i wonder if i dont like it because maybe im doing it alone. but i kinda like doing it alone in one sense. but then again itd be fun to have people to goto. i really dont know.

i dont think im cut out for anything in life

ive heard of it but havent tried it. maybe ill goto whole foods or something. see if they have it.

Omg this 21 yr old is interested in me. I met him like 6 months ago. So he's 22 now. I don't think I can do it. If it wasn't for my son maybe but idk. My son says he doesn't care but that's so young, I just don't know...hmmm

Maybe you should do something in a group instead like some sort of exercise or sport, maybe a meetup group for some other activity?

Sometimes just getting coffee around other people helps....

Yeah that's a good idea newtus, like an activity group...

Hmm... I wonder how his parents would react to you dating their son. Sounds complicated but he's an adult now.

that would seem like a good idea but i work best alone. so idk how that evens out. im not completely sure why im so unhappy right now. my top priority is my weight. workin in that. but.........idk..........just not happy volunteering right now. maybe its just not my thing to stay at places for long periods of time. reminds me of the only job i ever had was when i was 17. i quit after two weeks.

Well it is still work and work generally kind of sucks.....

Are you still in weight watchers?

He's been on his own since he was 16. I don't think I can do it and it would be only for sex and I'm not comfortable with my body right now.

I need to work on too many things. But if I get healthy again I would date a guy like 26 or so. Most of the men around my age here are very redneck. Just not my thing...

Well in a group activity setting you could just kinda keep to yourself if u wanted.

no i quit. and my mom was pissed cause she paid for it with her credit card got billed 3 times and i only went once. it was too far and a lot of old people in there

I'm also debating on whether or not to start dating anyone before getting any better with my mental health. Lol... the boy I'm dating is only 20. I got 4 years on him. He's a nice guy. Just can't drink with him just yet lol.

It's good that he's on his own and such. Maybe sex will increase your confidence? Then again you don't want a relationship with just sex. Lol I don't blame you on not wanting to date a redneck. I prefer my nerdy friends.

Had to put this here from reddit...

guys omg f ck. im gonna paste an email i sent to T when i got home from work. its long so beware. but i dont wanna type it all out again. here goes:

"Ok so before I went on my break this woman came thru my line. we are supposed to ask every customer if they would like to donate to the american cancer society. if we dont they get a free drink. they have these pink things you can put your name on if you want if you chose to donate. i had them sitting on the little shelf thing so people could see them. well anyway i asked this woman if she wanted to donate to it and she said yes so i added it to her order. after she paid and everything and i gave her her receipt she was like asking me if she should fill out the pink thing. i said do you want to? and started to hand her one. she said she didn't want to . then as she was walking away she said "you didnt even offer it".

i went on break and that was when i texted you. well right after i went back in i was helping bag an order on a different register. this girl breanna from the deli came up to us and she was saying something about the deli and she looked at me and asked me how old i was. i told her i was 27 and she said you should work in the deli (she was kind of saying that she didn't want to work in there anymore). well kelly, one of the managers, was standing at the other register and breanna said kelly dont you think she would be a good deli clerk? i looked at kelly and kelly looked mad and really serious and she shook her head no.

i saw her do it. immediately i was thinking WTF does that mean??? so then my mind starts spinning out of control and im trying to analyze what that interaction meant. then i remembered the rude woman from earlier and i just assumed that the woman had called in to complain about me and kelly was mad at me. THEN i basically convinced myself that was what had happened. i got really stressed out and thought that kelly was gonna come talk to me and i was going to get in trouble. every time the phone rang i thought it was someone calling in to complain about me. every time kelly was just standing there i was so sure that she was gonna come talk to me. i was freaking out internally the whole time. like just going crazy.

i tried to do what you said which was just distract myself with my tasks. i tried to talk to people to distract me from my thoughts. but i kept just going back to thinking that something bad was going to happen. i was even trying to rehearse what i was going to say when kelly confronted me. i figured she was going to do it near the end of my shift. well i had to stay a bit later cause this other cashier decided to take a 30 min break when she only was supposed to take a 15. so i got off at 8:15. kelly was in the office. i pretty much walked as fast as i could out of there and to my car.

once i got in my car i felt like i was going to barf everywhere. im guessing it's because i was so tense and anxious during all that.

im home now but i still feel like im gonna barf. i feel sick. i took a prn nausea pill so im seeing if that will help.

every time i leave *name of store* i tell myself that i never want to go back. its just so ****ing hard to experience these things and try to look and act normal and continue doing my job when everything inside of me is screaming for me to run away as fast as i can!!!!

i dont know how to stop from going to these places in my head. it seems like it's just one thing and then the next thing i know im really paranoid and convincing myself that bad things are about to happen. i wish there was some way i could just stop it from happening. i wish i wasnt so sensitive. i wish i didnt care what people do and say. i wish i had thicker skin and was able to brush these things off. i wish it all just didnt affect me as much as it does.

im off for the next 2 days. but im already dreading going back on Friday. "

im having a hard time. i just want to quit my job. i dont knwo what to do. i HAVE to have a job. i f cking hate myself. im such an outcast. its just getting worse at work. im crying now cuz of it. i just wanna hide in a hole

Wow JunkDNA that is hard to deal with. I'm sure everything is OK though....customers well I just don't care about them at all....when I was a cashier I just followed the rules and it was OK...the company didn't really care so much as long as you get people though fast. But deli is high pressure with sharp objects be happy you don't work there everyone wants two pounds of paper thin meat and you will be greasy by your shift end...my friend did it.
Anyway it may have just been an honest assessment about that....I think you would do well in produce or something where you could go in the back.

Anyway worst they can do is fire you and you can find something else maybe something better....a book store or something quieter....

retail is a sucky place to work. Customers can just get under your skin and it can just ruin your whole day. Then you can even get into trouble for the stupidest mistakes or one complaining customer who had nothing better to do than be a ***** to everyone.

i dont even want to work in the deli. i just want to know why she shook her head no. i want to know what she was thinking. i just assume its all negative. i dont understand what it is about me that causes this. im shy i know that but it just seems like everyone else has such an easier time connecting and making friends with people there. even ppl who got hired after me are all buddy buddy with each other. when i clocked in this woman invited the other cashier to her house for dinner. i felt jealous. it wasnt even because i wanted to go to her house. even if she would have asked me i would have made up an excuse and say no. i feel like such a loser when im here. everyones standing around talking and joking and laughing and there i am looking at my nails or trying to pretend to be busy. this has been a theme thru all my life. i guess it got a little better when i came to the program im in. but now that im on my own again its coming back. its just wearing me down so much. i dont know how much more i can handle

if dr phil thought that guy only had bipolar then what did he think of jani schofield when she was on his show. i know thats on youtube.

They may perceive that you're not interested and be responding to that, I don't know....you should ask your T about this aspect of it in addition to the e-mail.

I saw that episode. They barely discussed how she got her schizophrenia diagnosis. They also had a woman on there who had a schizoaffective diagnosis... or was it schizophrenia? I don't know. As for Jani he mention how she has a "flight of ideas". Her diagnosis is controversial. You see a lot of people thinking she may be autistic or possessed by demons, or a product of her upbringing.