Roll Call 36

Thanks.

Although I get a bit stressed out about the fact I might not know what to say etc, I've decided not to think through what I want to say... will see my problems getting myself across more that way.

I figure it shouldn't bother me because it'll be something they probably expect to one degree or another. I also have a habit of steering conversations but I hope they'll have questions for me rather than expecting me to say everything. Makes me feel like I have to justify myself...

yeh those appts always trip me out. ive only had about a half dozen sessions, i dont schedule them unless i really cant cope with something. just going always seems to have an effect on me regardless of how well the session went. I think its just the idea of talking about my issues with a therapist raises all the issues you mention, plus all the going over of symptoms and life experiences that led us here.

Yeah that's exactly it....I'm still cheating way beyond what I should be doing....hopefully I'll get it together by three weeks when I see T next otherwise I'm sure we'll have to talk about it.

I dont think spending several hours a day on this forum is such a bad thing. We imagine healthy people always being out and socializing but that's not the case for the majority of people. Facebook is equally addictive for millions of people. The fact is people spend their time differently these days and online communication has become a major factor in many peoople lives healthy and mentally ill. Spending time on this forum talking to others is definitely better than being at home and just watching tv or plyaing video games and not communicating with anyone.

It is addictive, but so is all forms of social interaction. At some point it can become counterproductive, but I doubt many of us spend enough hours on here day after day that it interferes with going out etc.

At times I have to say it has been easier to be on here than go out and I've spent whole weekends checking away for new comments aside from cooking etc. I think a half hour is overly restrictive tbh but I was definitely getting over involved.

What it's really keeping me from doing is reading a good book or exercising on weeknights....

My T thinks it's good that I'm on here but at some point there are diminishing returns. We just have different thresholds I think for when it's been too long.
Thus the cheating I need to set a more realistic schedule like 15 minute in the morning and 45 at night.

I think she wants me to have more friends IRL also and cutting back here will help facilitate that.

no sometimes dont leave us, spend more time here haha

why does she want you to have more friends IRL? dont you have some already?

im definitely addicted to this website tho...

hey guys punkybrewster sent me a PM. said shes doing well. she said Bean is still hearing voices and still having visuals and tactile hallucinations. she wants to let you all you know shes thinking of you all and misses us bad.

I just thought I'd put this here rather than the negative thread... bit unsure what to think.

So I found out that my original referral did get lost & that the reason I got an appointment with the urgent-referrals was because the psychiatrist I should be seeing is on holiday for 2 weeks, like from this weekend.

Anyway, the guy seemed to be trying to rationalise any of my delusions or paranoia & said to try to make the voices go away so they only appear at a certain time of day. I don't think that work because telling my voices to go away has never worked in the past. Obviously they just wanted to see me & try to help tide me over until I get an actual appointment, which is in 3-4 weeks. Argh.

The very strange thing is he said they would have only prescribed Citalopram if there was a depressive element but that confuses me because my CPN had said it didn't seem like depression was an issue. Plus Citalopram is used for GAD, which is what they last seemed to think was my main problem when I saw them at the start of the summer.

So, what does all this mean? Beats me... Depression with a psychotic element? But what about the queried schizophrenia last time... depression doesn't seem like a major element to me & was never a problem before during my last period of psychosis. Schizoaffective perhaps?

I really don't know but I kind of felt he didn't know exactly about my situation fully & the session was just a band aid on an severed limb. Pretty angry I have to wait until November & a bit confused now.

Oh I'm definitely not leaving I like it here too much that's the problem

Well I got about 5 hrs of sleep. I know some of you are probably sick of hearing about it but it's a major factor in my life right now.

But in other news the kitten I got for my bday is coming home tomorrow. It's been 2 months that he's been at my sisters bc of this bp and sleep issue. I'm worried he will be waking me up a lot, but last time he slept under the covers the whole night next to me. I can't wait he's a loverboy kitten. But at my sisters my nephews (who are 27 and 23) both got kittens too like 6 months ago. He's been hanging out with them. He's gonna miss them, but he has my cats and tiger is gonna really connect with him I think after the jealousy. My cat midnight, who is 12 will probably be fatherly toward him. I'm excited...

I only have 1 outside of work and my work keeps getting smaller---I don't know if that is what she wants so much as if she asked me if I wanted to expand my social circle and I said no and she seemed surprised. I just think it might be the end goal somehow----even though they help you do what you want I think its hard for them not to have their own perspective etc.

Honestly I think it might be schizoaffective. Citropam (spelled that wrong) is an AD. I don't see that helping the delusions, and hallucinations. I'm sorry but I don't think ur being treated for ur conditions properly. Hell, from ur posting on here, u sound sza but I think u need to be evaluated correctly first.

Like for me. They were like bp 1 when I had my last psychotic break. I was like no, no,no I want evidence. So they had me take 4 different tests in the hospital. It did convince me ( although I still wonder some time) but I fought being bp. I hate it.

You need a proper diagnosis imo.

That is bizarre and unhelpful---they couldn't give you any meds?

Seemingly not... he said he wanted me to be handled by the psychiatrist I'd been assigned to before. I guess in some ways they are right that I'm not terrible & perhaps do need a full evaluation by a psychiatrist before considering what meds I need. It's quite possible he deals with schizophrenia because he had been asking me about a return of psychotic symptoms when asking about my anxiety.

Yeah, it's just confusing because I did get a proper diagnosis, or as good as, last time. Mood didn't seem to play a role in that... I suppose it's possible I could have periods of hypomania which would explain why I don't think any depression is a huge issue.

But anyway, as you say, I'm sure I'll get fully evaluated at the start of November. Going to try not to think about it too much, no point trying to diagnose myself!

Lawscot so disappointing when a session goes in circles...

So u were dx with depression? How do they explain the delusions and hallucinations then. Sorry I misunderstood, I thought you HADN'T been dxed. This just sounds ridiculous that they aren't taking the delusions and hallucinations more seriously...I'm sorry.

No no sunshine... I was diagnosed with queried schizophrenia 3 years ago... sorry if I confused that, wasn't talking about this appointment. The guy didn't enquire that much into it other than coping with main symptoms & passed no thoughts as to what it was. He just mentioned Citalopram meaning there must be some depressive element with my anxiety etc. Said that getting the anxiety under control has made the depression come out, which implies that the psychotic features are related... I don't know. It's all confusing.

Oh ok, I'm totally out of it, lol.

Don't worry

I'm not explaining myself very well either... ! Probably done 3 edits since you read the last post.

I reread it post from earlier about the appt. Sounds like a long wait. You would think though that they could have given u something to tide u over. It couldn't have hurt anything...

i met with T. i told him abt work. what happened on tuesday. i have to work 2 to 8 30 today. at one point he asked me what i was thnking and i was kinda scared to tell him. cuz my thought was that id rather kill myself than go back to work. but i censored it and said id rather die than go back. i cried a little. when i looked at him he looked sad. idk why but that affected me. i dont want to make him sad. i dont want him to be worried either. after i left like 10 min later he texted me a bunch of things, like supportive things. i said thanks fo rsupporting me T. he said of course, its easy, i believe in you!. T is so kind to me. im glad he is with me on my journey. i just dont want him to be worried cuz i am ok really im gonna get thru it it just f cking sucks. i dont like seeing him have sad eyes i mean i guess im glad that he has empathy for me. idk. anyway im just trying to chill before i go to work today. pray for me guys.

That's what I would have thought but he seemed to suggest that he wouldn't want to overrule any decisions by my last psychiatrist. But he had no idea about my delusions or voices being back...

Oh well. I'll survive, I've done so for the past 8 weeks, so I'll manage for another 3-4 now. My parents are just back from their holiday too, so I'm not alone anymore... have been for 2 weeks but I didn't want to say anything because of my delusions.

It's my birthday in a few days too, so that's something, plus it's my Dad's today so we are off out for a joint birthday meal tonight.

So I was discharged from that one agency that the counselors left leaving and now I have to do an intake for the new agency. I was just worried bc the new agency has to refer me back to the old one for med mgmt. But I think it will work out and the therapists stay at this new agency. Hopefully soon I will be able to start some real therapy.

But I wish so bad there was a pill I could take that would bring on hypo mania. But unfortunately that's not the case. I just have so much to do to get the apt ready for the baby kitten.. I'm just dragging...

That sounds fun.