Roll Call 48

Just got back from relaxation class..

It made me realize how bad my obsessional OCD based paranoia is.. I feel anxious.. I'm afraid if my OCD will get worse and it is when changing meds.

I don't want to confront my OCD. In fear that it will get worse.

"The water is cold", "someone's going to kill me while I'm trying to relax", and other thoughts ruminated in my head the whole time when I was supposed to be on the beach in warm water.

The others found it hard too.

I need practice but I can't focus. It requires focus which is why I would use high dose (100mg) of ritalin to get into a psychosis that is safe where the thoughts come out. I once added to a religion I've made in semi psychosis.

People with OCD created most religions I think. Like I remember having to say Hail Mary prayer 10 times a day over and over.

Not one person stopped to think, "This is irrational".

The complexity my illness.. Slap on 80mg Prozac and pretend I'm fine, deny every time I do a compulsion. I did no compulsions. I'm my head. I'm not obsessed I'm not obsessed I'm not obsessed..

lol i told my mom i was gonna be an extra in a commercial. it was so weird because she was like "ill take you". im like "what? really?..." because she never offers to do that sort of stuff for me. like to do what i want. like i want to go shopping in the area yea sure but she even rarely takes me to go shopping. i drive myself. so her offering me to take me to this event. im like partially really skeptical and kinda afraid cuz she said yes. but i just told her not to tell my sister. because i dont like to blab about things are really important to me in my life because (1) they may not even happen and (2) i honestly believe that when i tell other people im going to do something really important that it for sure wont happen. but i told my mom because she offered to take me. and i was planning to actually just drive myself. i wouldnt have accepted her offer but the weather is really bad and im scared to drive.

So pretty!

Wishing I hadn't spoken so openly with my T. Feeling vulnerable...

man its mthrfking snowing still.
ugh. this pisses me off.
it really does too.
heavy rain doesnt even piss me off like this because even after a heavy rain you can drive anywhere. after it snows - theres ice and snow takes days to melt. ugh.

I'm pretty much in an Antarctic base camp.

ive been in the house for a week. the only good weather day just happen to be the day i saw my therapist and its the only time i got out in the past week. its snowed all the days before and snowed today so far. :/ this really sucks.

I want a terrible blizzard to come my way for like a week so no one can have fun

- Tweaky

tireddddddddddddddddd !!!!!!!!!!

thats horrible

I'm a misanthrope so

i used to think i was but i dont think im a true misanthrope. maybe just borderline.

i wrote this when i was psychotic couple years ago:



for those that cant read it it says:

"If an animal tells me something am i more inclined to believe it over a human being? whats the state of consciousness in the animal? the level of intellectualism? does the inherent feralness - rather than psuedo-feral - or not - give them an upper hand? as does their closeness to nature? what advantages do they possess that might rule in their favor for this?"

I'm designing a tattoo to cover up the scars on my leg. Hoping the guy who did my last one will do it for me if he can do them over scars. I'm really excited about it I hope I can get it done for summer so I can actually wear shorts this year

so what is everyone up to tonight?

I'm bout to try this new lentil soup that I just poured a bunch of Tabasco into. And I was just telling my friend a story about the time I went to go see a movie in pajamas and a bathrobe. So. Reminiscing I guess.

omg that sounds so good. the soup does.

It is actually pretty good. For a few minutes I wasn't so sure. But the Tabasco did improve it a great deal.

Am I the only person that used to think the Internet was going to be like a large virtual reality community? I remember thinking that cyberspace was going to be a literal, space. And we would log on an sort of have representations of ourselves in this huge domain, where you could do practically anything.

i didnt.
by now i thought it would be a lot more than it is tho. in the early 2000s they would really put the emphasis on it being a virtual-like world. so i had higher hopes for it than what it is right now but i didnt believe it would be like 3D. i always believed TV and video games would be 3D before internet would be.

reminds me of the matrix

The meds are making my vision blurry when I try to read.. But I have no focus anyways so idc. I hope it goes away.

tonight on 20/20 on ABC Diane Sawyers is gonna talk to women in prison. im gonna watch that.

Come to think of it, yah.

I was quickly disappointment by the total lack of 3D-ity. All there was to do back then was make livejournal accounts and type random things into webcrawler.

Oh! I completely forgot about that. Man I think I missed it.