Roll Call 51

Little set back just one guy messed it up for me but that's life I guess. I wouldn't have the strength or care enough of doing this for myself as much.

Schizoaffective girl wants to give me her connection to methamphetamine but I wouldn't go through all that crap just to get high.

I'll take my dad's word that it's a bad drug.

- Tweaky..

saw T, it was fun. we played cards n talked. i took some kind of psychological test . it was very long! then he read the results to me and i made me feel like a loser. he said im sorry . he asked how i felt, if it bummed me out. i said no. T was silly today, it was fun. then i met up with my friend im at her house now. she made me a pic of my old cat and toby. here it is:

thats really cool junk

ya. it's my babies

They are so cute!

i know people say you cant tell of your become psychotic or that psychotic but i just have a really scared feeling that i might be. idk.

idk.
im having more and more episodes. and the littlest things are setting me off into episodes. idk if im just so scared to be psychotic again or if im under a lot of stress or what...or all of that.

at first today i was watching tv today and i couldve sworn i knew met every single person that named flashed across the news stories. and then all of sudden im forgetting what im thinking. and then im starting to flip out worried maybe someone killed one of my family members cuz they havent called me. etc.

this is just getting worse.

i obviously am having a relapse.
these past few months have been a relapse.

this is not how i wanted things to be.

I'm feeling trapped. My day from 8am to around 5pm is so productive, whether it be at the library or work. Then the darkness sets in. The depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I would go on an antidepressant again but I don't want it to completely numb me. Anhedonia frightens me. I'd rather keep my depression than enter the void. I wish there were a pill that would just knock me cold off my feet and I rest until morning.

Didn't you say you were learning cbt with your T...how is that going, it should help to some extent.....

this thread moves fast hehe!
today was kind of weird, i was dissociated a lot of the day. 4 days ago my geodon was bumped to 160mg and this med makes me so tired. it made me tired on 40mg where i would sleep all day during school, literally for 5 or 6 hours. i'd be awake enough to just walk to the next class. It's awful. She said i should see a change in my thoughts soon so i see her again monday but i havent noticed anything yet :< still a lot of paranoia. people are watching my with cameras in their eyes and cameras everywhere. the creature in my head is talking in my head and injecting thoughts and feelings. i dont know what feelings are mine! every day sure is a trip.

It's been slow. She and I primarily focus on blunting the panic attacks. We haven't worked out a way for me to beat my depression. However, I sat down and started to write my passion project. With my cat to the right of me, good background music, and doing what I've been wanting to do... Honestly, SP, it's working. My depression only adds to the flavor of the content.

making dinner little bit of chicken, brown rice, asparagus. had fun w/ my friend. hungry!!!

Hi folks, today was intense once I got to church after work. There was a meeting for Easter. It's going to be a whirlwind. I have the pleasure of feeding all the volunteers, which is normally what I do, but will be in tents.

How's everyone?

I put my phone on the table..

We chain smoked while listening to requested music.

Lel

Not the healthiest way though..

easter is the day after my bday this year. my bday is next saturday. i will be 28 everyone says i look way younger...i guess i do...but im tired of ppl not believing me when i say my age. they think im lying.

anyway i am ok, i ate dinner , it was good.

T said he shares my story about my inner child work to his other clients. not identifying me but the basics of my work. about my baby dreams and stuff. anyway it made me feel good bc he said that some of his clients say oh thats not possible. he said actually i know someone whos doing it and has made huge progress and was worse off in the beginning. i felt happy...that im doing good work and that maybe my story can help others.

Yay! Pre happy birthday, happy birthday! When the people ask you how old you are, you should say, "45." That way you really are lying and you get to mess with them.

"Stories are a communal currency of humanity." - Tahir Shah

There's no doubt in my mind that your story can help others. It would be a great thing to have a book made of everyone's stories written down. And it would be called Roll Call.

that would be cool. i like hearing other peoples stories but sometiems its triggering. im scared to go to his womens trauma group bc of this. i dont want to get triggered. and its new people i dont know..which i tend to avoid those situations. but T will be there.....idk...he really wants me to come. its in 3 weeks. i will go check it out i guess..but ya im scared...

my story sounds liek a lifetime movie saga

That's true, people's lives can be very hard to write about. My friend has ptsd, and she shared her story, and it was very difficult for her. Understandably. Even when it can help other people, sometimes it makes things harder for that person. She's like a sister to me, and every time I see her, i just want to make her laugh, to distract her. When she laughs, she brightens the room. So I'm generally extra goofy around her.

Your T knows you pretty well. But I'll get why you're scared.

thats how i feel when im with my friend....we joke and laugh a lot. she struggles with MI too..so we can bond over that. we have serious discussions too..but its a good mix of play and serious. ur a good friend to your friend. ptsd is really hard to deal with...lots of support is very helpful. i dont know where id be w.o my supports. probly dead

It's dangerous to put us in a room with breadsticks. A person could trip over all the bad puns, and poke an eye out.

people were yelling and cursing outside my window...they kept calling someone a ****ing crack head. and slamming doors n stuff. i am scared now. now im getting paranoid. tat was scary....why do i have to live beside druggies. i hate them

This guy was rescued from the dumpster...he's a little thumb chomper.

People yelling is scary, you're safe in your place though. Do you have any movies that can help take your attention until they stop? Or music?

its over now i think they left....i took my meds cuz i am unraveling...**** those people...i think they do it on purpose