Roll Call 63...

work went well.. like way better than i thought. i feel happy tonight

Thanks for making the new Roll Call junkDNA.

Please pray for my mom, she may have just had a stroke.

So sorry to hear. I can't imagine how you are feeling. There's no way. Be strong for her. I hope she's ok.

Sorry, I hopes she's going to be ok...

My mom and psychologist tells me when I'm delusional. My first psychiatrist was the worst. He didn't know that I was almost completely psychotic and I wouldn't let him know about what I was thinking because it was bizarre and weird and he said it would get worse if I don't take an antipsychotic.

I stopped taking the risperidone after a year for 3 months and then abused it. It was crazy and I wish I could remember. I was manic.. Or "A Maniac" autocorrect says. I'm constantly getting every bit of hedonia that I could. I don't remember that type of pain so I do it again. I had a year that was just fun. I was drinking heavily and manic every two or three days after I took 6-12mg of risperidone which I did so many times. I refused meds and then the paranoia.. It was insanely bad like the razor sharp edge of paranoia and finally took the risperidone a few hours later, booked another appointment for a week and got prescribed the Abilify and I felt myself getting better after 3 weeks.

I know myself when I start getting really weird thoughts like thinking that my mom is a toothbrush, that I'm 92 years old or something but I can't do anything about it. I tried so hard and then multiple times trying to get rid of suicidal thoughts never ever gave up and surviving was on my mind and I repeated over and over as a false belief. Or I let it effect my mood to where I can handle it (Depressed like state). It can get really strong but now it rarely gets passed my rule where suicide is not an option for me. My mom asks how I can have insight. My psychologist said that they're called "Fixed delusions". It's like some weird ability that doesn't matter because it doesn't change anything. It's like OCD and schizophrenia are on some sort of spectrum of insight and I can't explain it.

Zombie!! Jk that's cool that you connect well with my posts. I think it's our sense of humour and disguised sociopathy ^^. Bipolar or not, we get high a lot.. Ya I can't stop rhyming.. looked over at what I wrote in my notes but wow there's way too much to read.

It's amazing like wow. Blows me away. I would post some versus here but it's so offensive. I'm going to be mastering songs. Too many ideas and I can't control them. They come and go.

My mood is primarily environmentally based.

The doctor called, she is talking and back to normal. It seems there was some sort of interaction with her medicine. I am so thankful she's okay!

I'm praying for you and your mom, Blue Bird. I know what your going through. I'm so glad she's ok.

really glad she is doing better

I'm glad your mom is doing better blue bird.

I will be praying. Sorry to hear...

Glad shes better!

Morning.

I dont feel sick anymore. which is good but last night was a bit worrisome with my dad. I worry about moving to college with that going on. I love him. I wish things were different with other people in my life. like I wish my parents didnt drink. wish my mom wasnt mean to me and more of a mom. I really wish that a lot.

anyway. I had this weird dream that I converted to Catholicism. it was so weird...

i feel anxiety today. might take my xanax.

Thanks guys! She's back now

off work today the sun is out!

Disguised sociopathy, LMFAO. I'm not a Sociopath but I am diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, hence the attitude teehee smirky.

I do the rhyming thing a lot like when I'm talking to the dot demon/demon dot. Like wtf even if that sorcery I can't hahaha.

I'm not bipolar, though I was misdiagnosed with it because of my thyroid being a witchy *****y thing. That was superfluously annoying as hell. I should ring a bell that calls BS next time some asshole psychiatrist doesn't rule out something physical first and gives me meds that don't help that could make me dead yo.

Insight is a weird thing, I first got it in 2013 and it's in and out, mostly out with that **** unfortunately. I have no idea I'm "delusional" or whatever until someone tells me what the point of the time is not. But eh, life is life.

I used to wonder if I was sociopathic/psychopathic because my affect is so blunted because of my Schizophrenia that I often perceive myself as feeling nothing at all but I do have feelings, just can't access that most of the time and my feelings are Narcissist feelings so yeah it's different. I like being different but I wish the demon dot would not talk in my ear it's boring broken record like the book of world records of boring. I guess it's good that I'm not bothered too much by said demon dot but still it makes me wonder about my status as far as collapsing into an insignificant point on a parallel line that intersects thing. My thoughts fling me back and forth and I'm just riding through it like a wave. Bye? No I have nothing to do today and I ordered a new cell phone it'll be here tomorrow thank **** the one I have is falling apart. Calling people yeah that's not working my phone keeps dropping my calls and **** but I don't drop my phone, and when I did drop it hello shock proof case. Don't touch high voltage stuff not only will it kill you it'll hurt the whole time you're dying.

I changed my custom user title to Zombie Goddess I thought the zombie thing was awesome lololol.

Yay for being off work!

I wish the sun would come out here it's been raining for days and cloudy even when it isn't raining. What a pain. But at least it's hoodie weather. Whether or not that's at all relevant I don't contemplate I just like to say what's on my mind now that I'm not surrounded by toxic people exploiting my Schizophrenia like I was for the first half of this year, that sucked like ****.

its been the same here, rainy and cloudy for days. so i am really glad to see the sun

Yeah it's supposed to come out over here in a couple of days or so last I checked. I'm very fast when I really want something.

its sunny here too. i took my xanax and i feel sorta better.

im thinking of changing my user title. i just dont know what to yet.

I'm glad you mentioned your user title, I've been meaning to ask you what it means? I've always wanted to ask but never got around to it.