Roll Call 64

I assure you had a much weirder, disturbing & embarrassing dream last night. I woke up feeling completely disgusted at the notion...

I looked it up & apparently the actual meaning is much more run of the mill than the nature of the dream.

Still, I'm not going to say what it was.

im also starting a list for swear words the filter wont pick up, so swear away!

i noticed i've gotten so much more avoidant of people in the last year, and maybe i'm just noticing it because so many people have tried to talk to me? like three girls my age have been nice to me in the past 24 hours and every time i just, skirt around them and get away as fast as possible. this morning one of my neighbors passed by with her dog just as i was heading out to work, the dog started barking and made me jump and she was super apologetic and sweet, but for some reason that scared me so much? i left my building out the opposite side, hopped a fence and walked the opposite direction of where i was supposed to be going for a long time just to not have to see this person again. here my *** is always crying about being so isolated but pulling this crap all the time. i did go to my favorite bagel shop where apparently i'm considered a regular now? this girl who always works there said "hi [mantis]!" when i got there and gave me my order herself without calling me, they just know me by sight.

and at the same time because so many people have been nice to me today i'm sitting here expecting an anvil to fall on my head because i'm not allowed to have good days without consequence.

yuck that was ranty. hope everyone's having a good day and had a damn fine cup of coffee this morning.

I'm realising that I need to help myself more. Before I thought this was all going to just go away as I got older, but as my cpn pointed out im nearly 24 and it's been going on for over 10 years. She said schizophrenia doesn't just 'go away'. That I will likely have this for the rest of my life.
I guess ive been trying to wait it out rather than helping myself. But if this is going to be my life I need to get some control back.
So I'm trying to make changes. I'm going to do more baking, as I have quite a bit of time on my hands. I'm going to take up drawing again to try and do some art therapy and draw how I feel. I've downloaded some mindfulness listening exercises to do to try and combat stress. And I'm going to just generally try to get to know myself better; what makes me stressed, what I enjoy, but in a non-judgemental way. I am very harsh on myself so I'm going to try and cut that out and just go with how I feel.
Not going to be easy but I need to do something. I can't live like I have been doing for the rest of my life. I'm surprised I've made it to 24 the way things have been. So I have to try.

What have your findings been thus far?

haha its just starting now, and im sure if i compiled a list and then spat it out in one go i would get some kind of ban or warning. being the good boy that i am, i dont want any reprimands

You know Neil perhaps if you compiled an official list they would use it to repair the filters rather than ban you....you know given that you're such a good boy

I started playing guitar when I was 17. I really wish I'd started younger though as I agree it's easier to pick up when you are younger. I blame my Dad for that... when I was 14 I told my Dad I wanted to learn the guitar, so he said he'd teach me. He took out his classical guitar, tuned it then started playing about on it himself totally forgetting the fact he was supposed to be teaching me... that put me off until later.

I guess I'd say I was alright at guitar, to people who don't play guitar they'd probably say I was good but I have high standards, knowing some friends who are wizards on guitar so I tend to be quite modest about my skills. Certainly I know if I'd played daily since I started, I'd be pretty damn good by now but unfortunately I've been a bit sporadic.

I started practicing a lot towards the end of Uni & was making fast progress but similarly, when my first psychotic episode happened it just fell by the wayside. I did start playing again after my first period of psychosis cleared but again after it came back I stopped. I was hopeful that coming off medication might give me the motivation to start playing again but thus far no luck. Perhaps one day...

im also starting a list for swear words the filter wont pick up, so swear away!

Is it normal to still hear voices and get delusional when on medication? I find the only thing that has improved for me is insight, which is fantastic because within a day or two of a bad delusion I'm out of it and have insight. The majority of the time I also know that my voices aren't real and these absurd ideas I get fade quite quickly. Before I went like a year or two without any insight at all. Is it possible that the meds are the reason for this?

...i had a dream i killed 3 people...

yes. i still get voices and get delusional on meds. but i believe them. its hard to explain. ive been so entrenched in them. for years. i dont beleive i can ever get away from them. the meds prob are giving you insight. along with practicing insight.

Sometimes I believe the voices are real and the same with the delusions, but it comes and goes. Most of the time now I just laugh it off. I never thought I might be practicing insight hence why it's getting easier for me. Good to hear it's not just a me thing, another thread made me bring the question up. People where talking about how long it takes ap's to "work" as in get rid of everything. I never thought that was possible.

I don't have anything on AP's at all....I think it's rare....

I'm so down today. And now it feels hot in here and I feel kind of dizzy. Not enough caffeine I think.

I don't have anything on AP's at all....I think it's rare....

It's rare to have nothing on AP's?

im not sure. i only say that because my therapist told me otherwise and theres people in my group that still have symptoms on meds. but idk any scientific facts to back it up. its just what i notice and hear.