Roll Call 69

Hmm, seems my voices have a lot more content today for some reason. They aren't any louder or frequent but...

Usually they are very repetitive and just say the same short phrases over & over but they are trying to convince me of things now.

Hopefully just a tiny blip... none of these tiny breakthroughs have ever come to anything since I came off meds. Guess there's just a little up and down from time to time...

I look at the sleep problem forum and everyone can't sleep.

Give me ur extra neurotransmitters!!

Goodnight everyone.

Hoping it's just a blip.

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its only been 1 day with my dad and i take anymore of this. he was crying earlier and now hes laying in bed eating a chicken sandwich saying how i dont need to eat anymore and i only had 2 tamales today. my stomach is rumbling like crazy. im mad hungry.

i cant take a week and a half of this.

im drinking now

im so sorry

my dads possibly been drinking. and im just falling in the footsteps of my parents...

Lol, I followed my own footsteps into drinking. But seriously, it's not a good idea when you still use benzos and ambien.

its like i know but like now i just cant stop. i drink to soften the blow of things that hurt me emotionally. or to have fun. and its like now i cant stop. like if i could id be wanting to take my ambien all day. just to get away. its like i cant live alone and i cant live with my parents. but a lot of times i wish i did live alone. thing is...i worry about my dad. well and my mom. and things get really lonely...but i still want to live alone.

idk what to do
i mean i can see now that even with all these circumstances surrounding me...no matter what it is...i still have problems. so i see now that i have problems. but i swear idk what it is. idk how i can so lonely and want to be with my parents yet be so bothered by them when they ARE around.

i can see my schiz for what it is (at least i think so) but unless its anxiety alone, theres a secondary huge problem. i cant handle being alone yet i cant handle being bothered by my parents.

could i handle being around anybody else? i fear the answer. for i dont know. i fear its a "no".

if i moved out, my dad would only drink more. and probably die from it. i hate having this burden...or responsibility to care for him...but ive wanted to move out for months now...

I understand. I think part of it is that you have very little exposure to a wide variety of people. If you could get out more you'd probably meet people who would want to be friends mutually, and it would really help you learn to be more comfortable around even people you don't really feel that friendship energy for.

I understand the drinking too because I did it myself. I used to live for the nightlife. Then when I started working nights, I started drinking in the mornings because mornings were when I got home from work. I wasn't really good at making friends. I was always timid except for when I drank. :/ I hope you'll find sober ways to feel better.

thanks angelique.

i googled moving out of my parents home and its a nightmare. i didnt know all these things went into it. i knew one needed money not just for rent but electric and water/trash etc. then internet. and i knew about furniture/pots/pans etc for living but i didnt know about apt fees or extra fees for living other than that.

i got a bit of a panic attack reading all that. a reddit on moving out of your parents house...

: sigh : idk what id do without my dad yet i still wanna move out

i cant afford good alcohol this week, all my money's going to my dad. why does he even try to pretend he'd be self sufficient in this situation without me, like it makes me feel any less trapped. i think theres some tequila around but i get Fukt Up on that sstuff and i have work tomorrow

see this is the crap i have a problem with. i looked on craigslist for sublets and one posting is looking for white people. it doesnt say "no black people" but isnt the point of "european people" mean no blacks?

god.

edit///
shouldnt have cussed. i just now see everything my dad is talking about in this world.

my PEER SUPPORT SPECIALIST says im an ALCOHOLIC. wtf? i just started drinking back this month after a year or more of barely drinking. not everyone is an alcoholic!!!. alcohol isnt evil if taken in moderate amounts! shes saying the most unhelpful stuff to me. wow...

is this "tough love" or is this unhelpful? this really hurts me.

I think this is unhelpful.. To say someone is about to be an alcoholic in a matter of time is just simply not helping (if I get it right btw, am dizzy right now). I don't like your peer support specialist

I hope the injection every two weeks helps with negative symptoms more because they have been creeping up on me lately. Lack of motivation being the worst. I've been getting hidden messages but those positive symptoms like voices are so low that it's not a problem. It hurts when someone is talking to you and all you want to do is be blank. It's not that bad but lack of sleep helps but that's not worth the crash.

The problem is that Abilify is only supposed to be every 4 weeks not 2 but here's what I want my psychiatrist to do for this session..

- Lower Prozac to 60mg and eventually see if I can stop it.
- Increase Abilify 400mg from 3 to 2 weeks.
- Discontinue oral Abilify 10mg.
- Increase Concerta to 90mg from 72mg since he said 108mg is too much.
- Talk about Alertec (Modafinil, a wakefulness promoting agent) if the Concerta can't be increased.

i admit certain times i have drank in the past month is not good but i am NOT an alcoholic. i am so far from that. im pretty hurt by what she said.

Mantis

im just gonna take my meds and let this crap roll off my back. this is causing me great stress. i thought i could trust this PSS. but she has thrown everything back in my face.

I can't see the image but I don't think you're an alcoholic. I think you've just found a bad way to cope with things, this has been going on what a few weeks at most? Maybe you're just having a hard time coping right now. that doesn't make you a full fledged alcoholic

thank you for replying. yes it is a bad coping mechanism. yes its only been going on for a few weeks at most. and not everyday either.

in the texts she says basically its only a matter of time before i turn into an alcoholic. "like we say in AA" she says. she cites me telling her about my parents drinking that i can potentially turn into a full fledged alcoholic just because of my parents. shes also the same person that believes my schiz is a disease. which i dont think it is. i have improved so much from where ive been in the past 5 years.

this clinic is just a freaking piece of crap and i hate this stupid clinic. im so naive to think everyone is different there. everyone is the same!!! even the clients. theres no way im wrong about that, having been to groups there and stuff.

she says in the text "you think you know so much when in fact you have very little life experience".

I don't think it's fair to call someone an alcoholic for 3 wks of drinking. I do see her point with the meds though I don't think she's much of a peer support specialist.

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thank you for replying.

i understand the meds part too. and i get it. but not fair to say im an alcoholic. plus to throw "you think you know so much but you have very little life experience" at me. so im coping badly right now. i know myself at least good enough to know this isnt going to last forever. and whats the problem with a wine sampler every few days? i admit i drank a whole bottle of champagne once.

but that really hurt my feelings. maybe because shes an alcoholic and feels since my parents drink sometimes im going to become one?