[mindwrench]

I am at the very beginning of therapy, having just sought help for multiple issues recently. I have not mentioned these things yet to them.

I think there is a group or person that has spied on me for many years. They often drive white vehicles with tinted windows, but not always. I have seen them parked in my neighborhood, or driving past my house very slowly at odd hours. I have some of these on surveillance video.

They have enlisted normal people who actually live in my city to follow me sometimes. I have confronted some of these people but they play dumb and innocent, however they stop following me and I seldom ever bump into them again after a confrontation. I busted two of them red handed in my neighborhood over the years, at two different places I lived. One of them sped away, immediately pelting me with gravel and sand as he floored his car away. Another was aggressive, and said he had every right to be where he was and doing what he was doing though he wouldn't say what that was. I set a trap one night several years back, by sitting in my car down the street from my house, and sure enough a little white car crept up where my house was in view and went dark. I fired up my car which had loud flowmaster exhaust, and he started his car. I flipped my lights on and he immediately floored it, running the stop sign at the end of the street. I chased him about two miles, and my car was much faster than his but he was willing to blow stop signs at 90 mph and I wasn't so he got away.

I have had job interviews where I was assured I was top pick, and would have the job. I call back or stop by when they don't follow up and they act like they have never seen me before, only to briefly admit they remember me applying but the position was filled or they decided not to hire anybody. Like somebody talked to them after I interviewed and told them horrible things, or threatened them if they helped me in any way.

I have had people I know, suddenly cut off communications, and act like I had done some horrible thing to them, and how dare me think they would have anything to with me now. But i did nothing to them. My neighbor won't speak to me now, and won't even make eye contact when i walk within 5 feet of him when we check our mailboxes. He used to speak every day, and even come over to say hi. That happened the day after my first appointment at the mental health clinic.

Speaking of the mental health clinic, I didn't say anything about people following me directly. But he asked if I felt i was being persecuted and I laughed and dodged the question a bit, and said there has been some unexplained things happen, but they could be coincidence. He then said there had been a white car watching the mental health building that day. WHY IN THE HELL DOES HE KNOW TO MESS WITH ME ABOUT WHITE CARS STALKING ME!!!!! So I'm supposed to trust these T's now?????

I think some of this stems back to 20 years ago when I disrupted some peoples lives over a girl I was in love with, who was supposed to marry one of the heirs to one of the corporations. I made some people mad who happened to be multi-millionaires and owners of multinational corporations. A guy called me about 10 years after that, and told me details of the situation I had never shared,and said the "powers that be" had kept her and I from being together and that they had considered putting a hit on me, but decided instead to observe me. They apparently let her escape their grasp as well, but nobody would ever help me to find her. They seperated us by sending her to another branch, then cutting off all our lines of communication.

I was devestated to learn when i moved to a different city, she also moved to that city within one month of me moving there, and she lived about two blocks from me. I never knew that till years after when she was married and had kids.

I must disclose that I have taken several online tests for schizophrenia and score from early symptons to severe symptoms depending on the test.

Is this because I am delusional? Have schizophrenenia? or because I have been the victim of an organized twenty some year psychological attack to make me crazy and destroy my mind? And never let me have enough evidence to prove any of this to anyone!!

I have had some other issues unrelated to this that fall under the paranoia, psychosis, or sz spectrum.



Is it possible, that I have been living in something created in my own mind all these years? How could I ever know?

[Sometimes psychotic]

yes its quite possible----I really had no idea when it happened to me until I started taking the meds and they changed my thoughts making them clearer.

[mindwrench]

I pride myself on being a critical thinker, and having a rational mind and a great capacity for logical thought. That said, I have always been able to look at my life from the outside, and observe and make judgements about it. I would need tangible evidence for a good portion of this to say, yes that is real if I were looking at me from the outside. I know it is real, or at least what I observe has occurred, though maybe for different reasons than I think. There may be benign reasons behind things I have witnessed. I forgot to mention the lady at walmart yesterday, who kept looking at me, and started to walk towards me a few times. Like she was debating about assaulting me right there in the store. She was visibly disgusted with me, but I have never seen her before in my life. Maybe she is suffering with some kind of disorder, or I look like someone else. Or maybe she thinks something horrible about me that is not true. But why? Waht is the benefit in making a stranger hate me and glare at me? It's not the first time, and it's the second time in the last few weeks at walmart.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Here's the deal....I'm a scientist....I get paid to think critically....I couldn't see my way through this stuff without meds...that's how it works. Instead of white cars I had cars with their windows halfway down and people with sunglasses along with other stuff.

[mindwrench]

I really appreciate the replies. Are you saying those things went away, or stopped happening when you took meds?

I generally tell myself it's all a big coincidence, and I'm just aware of my surroundings to too great an extent, seeing anomalies where there are not any. But the anxiety and panic attacks caused by these things, and the lack of proper function in my life is my motivating factors to get help to make it stop.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by mindwrench

I really appreciate the replies. Are you saying those things went away, or stopped happening when you took meds?

I generally tell myself it's all a big coincidence, and I'm just aware of my surroundings to too great an extent, seeing anomalies where there are not any. But the anxiety and panic attacks caused by these things, and the lack of proper function in my life is my motivating factors to get help to make it stop.

People still had their windows down or wore sunglasses but I didn't think they were after me anymore....I realized it was just summer and those were common things. For me this all went away with meds.....your mileage may vary.

[mindwrench]

Some how the seat got reclined and moved back in the car. I am the driver 99% of the time. The only other house member did not drive it after me. It was where it should be when I went to get supper last night. The car is under my security cameras which show no entry overnight, at least from the drivers side. When I got in today I fell back because the seat was lower, and slid back and reclined. It is a power seat, and the controls are not where it could be done by accident. Things like this eat away at me, and now I don't know what to make of this? Where is the logical explanation for this?