[rewin]

Hello there! I'd like to share with you my story (cut down to the essentials) and ask a questions after that. I am sorry, its a long posting but I sincerly hope you read it I am currently 22 years old and in kind of a twist for more than 2 years now. I would say it started already in middle school (2002-2006). I wouldn't speak or be friends with the other pupils but was more intrested in talking to the teachers. In the first grade of middleschool I was above average in every subject, but beginning from the second grade my marks dropped, especially in math, where I had a solid A+. I was kind of silent, rejected from my colleges. Thinking now about it I could be described as a nerd (positive as well as negative). In the final grade of middle school (4th) I received psychotherapy from the school therapist once a week. In 2006 I started at a highschool specialized in IT (more correctly: programming) as well as Business economics lasting for 5 years and allows an successful student to study at any college/university he/she wishes. I've chosen this school, because I thought this specialty would fit well. I was mostly right. But again I started with the same behavior again: I didn't get in touch with my mates, but with the teachers. Well - I got mugged a lot, which was easy because I never joined a "cluster"/group in class. In the thrid/forth grade of highschool I revised my behavior and tried to get in touch with a few mates - rather not successful. In the forth grade, on a holiday after eastern (before summer) I should learn for the last math test. I was not able to. So I informed my doctor, who referred me to the school-therapist (which we hadn't one), finally finding some help. The psychologist said, after 90 minutes of talking, that I had a burn out. The exam was moved for me, and I was able to get it done. In my final year, we had a 2-year (4th+5th) lasting project (I was the project leader of one group) I recognised that I wasn't able to stay ahed of all tasks. I couldn't stay afloat managing and working the project as well as getting ready for the final exams (which are kind of a separete term, not in the 5th year). As it happens in March 2011, after a teacher has set me under much psychological pressure, I started to be suizidal. I went 2 times to the train tracks, but got away all by myself. Recognising what I was doing I organized help (sort of emergency service for psychological distress) which came by my flat. It consisted of a socal worker and a MD for psychiatrics. I told them my story, and they recommended that I come with them to the mental hospital for staying as a patient. My first diagnosis: F32.3 (ICD-10) - or in other words: severe depression. I missed the finals, didn't finish fifth grade and so I was at home the summer. In autnum I finished the fifth grade and attended (and passed) two thirds of my final exams.But I couldn't cut the rest. I rest at home, hoping to get better. In summer 2012 I went to the mental hospital once again (3rd time), by myself, and asked/begged for beeing admitted to the closed ward. I had, sort of, acoustical delusions. After 8 days in the closed section, I've been moved to the open ward. I released myself after feeling very well, very healthy (no manic episode!). But I received an aditional diagnosis: F20.0 (again: ICD-10) - a decease from the shizophrenic circle. But then the antipsychotics kicked in and my mental state is diving ever since. I had _no_ feelings whatsoever, I couldnt determ if I was sleepy or so, I was just emtpy. We changed the medicine from Risperdol (6mg/day) to Solian (400mg/day) but no effect whatsoever. So I went two more times into the hospital, the last one beeing the day-hospital. There the senior MD had three sessions with me talking about my future (essentially all what I wrote here) so that he could get a clearer picture from me. Beeing released again, I found a few changes at the release-sheet (codes again from ICD-10): - Other schizophrenia (F20.8) - Recurrent depressive disorder, current episode severe with psychotic symptoms (F33.4), currently remitted - Mixed and other personality disorders (schizoid, narzicist) (F61.0) That was three months ago. I just want to add one more note: Beginning around 1st grade highschool I only felt happy at school - I was mostly one of the first in school (over all!). But I never felt deep-down happy anymore, just short happy when I got a good mark/passed an exam. The questions I have: 1) Knowing my diagnoses, I am not sure if I can conclude my final exam. Its a battery of 5 tests in 4 days, all practical (IT, much to write), with 35 hours of exam time. Would you say I have any chance to get it done without prompting another psychosis? 2) A few doctors told me already that I have to expect that I can't work in the "primary" employment market. So I shall expect to work in, sort of, special jobs for mentally ill persons. What do you think about? I am very grateful for any reply and wishing you a nice christmas! rewin

[Gr3tta]

Hi rewin! Is there any chance you could take your exam with whatever exceptions you would find helpful, based on your medical diagnosis? Such as an extention to get ready for it again, then extra time to complete it? I definitely think you should at least try to take it. You did so much hard work and came so close. If you get part way through and find yourself becoming overwhelmed, then you can always stop.
As for employment, what do you think? Would you like to try working? Would you rather try something part time, or less stressful?
Do not let others determine your future for you. You are more than just your diagnosis. Do what you feel comfortable with. Which may be more or less than what others will suggest for you.

[rewin]

Hi Gr3tta!

Well, with my former "faculty director" I had an understanding, but he retired. So I would have to try to negociate a new deal for the exam(s). And if possible, I'd like to withhold my complete diagnoses from my school. The thing is: I can attend to the exams at any given time, there is no expiration date on that.

Yes, I like to work. I've been a work-a-holic (and yes, I only was at school - but 14-16 hours of school-work without any noticable break would qualify in my book). Now I am scared that if I start anything with passion and heart, that I end up in the hospital again. As of changing my profession: I have a few in mind, but all of them require to go to college and so I am bound to get that exam done.

Thanks for the reply and greetings,

rewin

[KarenSue]

rewin,

You are very smart and I think you can complete that work and those exams. I have suffered mental illness since your age and I found much solace in making good grades while in classes.

I say go for it. Yes, it is work, but work I believe you can do. I find deadlines as positive stress that spurs me on. Please remember that the work does not have to be perfect in order to pass. Don't burden yourself with having to have the best mark, as you typically seem to do. (So did I, just to realize that getting the passing mark was good enough and high marks mattered little in the end.)

I'm obviously no therapist, that is just my opinion and my experience. It feels really great to have it over with!

Best of luck to you.