Roll Call 86

Push up to my body
sink your teeth into my flesh
Get undressed, taste the flesh

Seems like a spring day today... pretty mild and I was out for a walk. Made me sort of happy, but in that way nostalgic sort of way when your mood is down.

I'm pretty sure my past month of drinking and other circumstances has left me a bit depressed. Not as bad as last April, but just generally a bit so-so.

At least my psychotic symptoms are few and far between right now, just the odd bit of voices every day.

We had great weather last week...70 degrees but snow today.....totally felt like spring and like this is that last minute snow, too bad still have a month to go at least.

Good news on the psychosis. Sorry about the depression sometimes that is worse.....

I'm so sorry you can't get the meds you need . Glad you are in an up phase though, better than the alternative......

Morning.

I feel good today. Have been feeling good since i took my meds again.

Just bored and lonely at home as usual. But no psychotic symptoms yet. I think a bit of depression though. Cant deny that unfortunately.

37 outside today. Yesterday was like 80!

Glad to hear you are feeling good and taking your meds.

Sometimes you have to treat yourself it's good for lifting your mood. Although finding things that are small works better..Get a fancy piece of chocolate rather than a bag that kind of thing.....go for luxury rather than volume. A nice truffle can run $2. Don't forget your other senses....smell something nice whether it's cookies baking or some essential oil.......buy a new soap that has a great smell. Read something fun. Buy some little thing off Amazon or listen to some new music....

That sounds like a good idea. I think i buy a whole bunch of stuff to make myself feel better and then they never get eaten or used or whatever. I got 2 pizzas last night. Between my dad and i. We only needed one but it was cheaper for 2. 15 dollars for 2 versus 12 dollars for 1.

Idk maybe i shouldve just gotten 1.

Thank you butterfly!

I'm totally naked right now and don't give a ****.

Yeah our weather has been all over the place too. I don't think we are due anymore snow but the temperature is going to be getting more winter like again this week!

Yeah, it's great I'm not getting suspicious anymore. Maybe the occasional stray thought but nothing much. Even my voices are a bit less so the olanzapine is definitely helping.

As for my mood. Yeah it does suck. It just makes everything harder but at least I am still managing to keep moving forwards.

(adult talk)

. . . . Is it even possible to convince someone of something that sounds insane but you know isn't when they know you have been psychotic in the past??? Ugh. So I know I'm paranoid and I get that it's part of the disease but sometimes muther****ers just have got to test me I swear. I've proven without a doubt that there are real people tailing me in cars, which everyone seems very happy to ****ing ignore. Really? What if I'm in danger? Now apparently there is some sort of electronic tracker on me. I'm not making this **** up! I get that Google and Facebook track me. I get that. I don't like it but I get it. For example, I was watching a video on YouTube, the next day one of the characters from the vid popped up in my news feed. No biggie, that's normal tracking. BUT. When I go to a ****ing friends house who doesn't even have Internet and watch a part of a movie that I have never seen before or mentioned to another living soul and it pops up in in my ****ing news feed on Facebook, that's when I take exception. What the ****! Seriously? I let him know his ****ing house was bugged. And of course they know that I know, whatever. But leave my ****ing friends out of it you slimy pieces of ****! AAAARRGH. Pussies are too ****ing scared to confront me. I think 'they' just want me to go off. Why can't you just leave me the **** alone? Am I really that interesting that you have to ****ing watch the movie I'm watching???? LEAVE ME ALONE! And since I'm posting this on a psych forum it has absolutely no credibility at all. Ha. Ha. **** you.

It stormed here last night really bad. I slept through it .-.
Glad to here the Zyprexa is working and hopefully they can do something about your mood.

Good morning everyone. Glad to hear most of us are feeling a little better. I had a nice time with my friend. We talked about stuff unrelated to my illness. Physically I'm feeling a little ******. My sinuses are a mess. Not sure I'd it's a cold or allergies from this crazy weather.

Thanks.

Not sure if there is much to do about my mood. I think time might just be the answer but I suppose going up to 10mg of olanzapine may help... just not sure whether it's worth it at the risk of more side effects. (not that I got that anything too bad right now)

I see my psychiatrist on wednesday anyway, so we'll see.

When I was on Zyprexa I was at 15 mg. The only issue I had with Zyprexa was that I would sleep 14-16 hours a day and gained 40 pounds within a few months. Though different people have different reactions to the drug.

All I'm taking is Abilify and Concerta. I used to take 2mg Cogentin 3x a day for akathisia.

I noticed that the Concerta helps with akathisia.

"Nothing to do in the country but get drunk and watch that pendulum swayyy.."

Although I've been drinking over a pint of liquor a day for two weeks, I stopped drinking alcohol for the time being.

I've gained 10lbs but I think if I sort my eating out it'd be pretty stable. Sleep... hard to say. I sleep about 12 hours and stay awake fine but some days I sleep until 12-1pm.

My mood factors in somewhere but it's hard to know how much is mood and how much the olanzapine.

I was on 20mg of olanzapine with the only side effect sleeping until 11am when I first went on APs. Like minimal weight gain. That's why I decided to give it a go again since others affected my motivation a lot.

Thats what im having a problem with kinda. Everytime i do something or say something i read it on facebook or hear someone say it again and again.

So, I doubt anyone will believe this but I feel like I have to explain the situation a little bit. I was in the Marines and had a TS SCI clearance. Then in their eyes I basically went batshit and got kicked out. So I understand why they want to keep an eye on me, I would too in that situation, it's only natural. However, it pisses me off that it seems like nothing is sacred. Can I really not have any neutral space? Do they really have to invade even my friends houses? When I take a walk in the woods with my dogs do I have someone following me? It's ****ed up. It really is. Even if I say I'm not a traitor or I'm not gunna go blow something up or whatever I can't be trusted cuz I'm crazy. Is this really how you want to waste your resources? I know the military loves spending money on useless **** but seriously? Me? I didn't get into anything I shouldn't have okay? I didn't steal any secrets, and I'm not going to go apeshit on the govvy? Okay? Sigh, this is why there are those people that get out and disappear. Because of this kind of crap. I put up with you following me and you nod at me in the grocery store and it's just a giant ****ing circle jerk isn't it? On the flip side of this, because of my SZ, it is very hard not to let myself get convinced that Everybody is in on it, even you my dear psych central users. So with that I'm going to go hate the world and hide. Hahah �� . . . sigh*

For me the best way of people not thinking I am crazy is to not speak at all which is counterproductive because people think because I'm quiet that I would shoot up a school. It's a lose lose situation.

No texting, and maybe not any calls. I really should check that out because the cable company is so far using numbers that don't work.

I can't believe how bored I am without the TV working. I get a "no signal" error message when I try to get the phone or cable to work. I'm not sure this all isn't just a past due bill.

Sucks angelique. Hope you can pay that.

I'd be happy to pay it, if it's just a billing/paying problem. And now I'm out of battery on my phone and have to charge it.