roll call 89

I did not want to get up this morning but I must stop sleeping in - they judge you for everything in these places.

So... I am still sleepy. The cook said all the coffee is regular, and not decaf, but it's not got a lot of caffeine.

Rainy and overcast here. Who knew I'd need my winter coat here in May.

Chilly. I'm feeling hopeless and so on edge here. Maybe my conservator would get me out of here. I doubt it but it's something to try. Not yet, maybe at the one month mark. Or I could screw up my Medicaid. Without that they'd drop me like a hot potato.

Narcolepsy with cataplexy and narcolepsy without cataplexy is the only two I know but I don't have cataplexy which is falling asleep while waking up although I fell asleep on the couch in another unit recently.

Psychiatrist mentioned Provigil I just can't be ignored she did it again today and if I do try it, I hope it works because I'm going to Mexico on Wednesday and I don't want my holiday to be ruined.

I'm sure I have this. I wrote a long rant about how I'm annoyed with people getting mad when they see me tired as if I'm not living up to their expectations on how I should be but my phone died.

I just asked the psychiatrist and she said she'd put me back on the 20mg Vyvanse tomorrow which is good although I'd prefer if it was 30-40mg before I go to Mexico.

She just said "I don't want you going psychotic while you're there". Thank god stimulants don't make me psychotic but she doesn't believe that.

Maybe 20mg Vyvanse and 100mg Provigil would work but I'm happy that the 20mg Vyvanse will stop me from literally having dreams in group therapy.

Went to hot topic

Yesss i still like that store and im almost 30

Well mid twenties

It's tedious and overwhelming here. I want to go home.

I hope you get to go home soon.

Thank you to everyone for the support.

Every night i say im going to not take my meds. And every night, i get to that point and just realize how if i dont take them i wont be sleeping.

Tonight is a different story. Idc about sleeping.

People were laughing in group because the ice breaker question was if I could ask God one question what would it be and I said I would ask him "Why.."

lol

I was talking to my friend about how if if i wanted to die by not taking my meds by suicide.

I told her that i dont want to do that. Only when im depressed of course. But i dont want to take my meds either.

The whole debate in my mind about being more intelligent or not in psychosis will never go away. I will forever think that.

Oh god not Haldol with too much you'll just turn into a pretzel ...

Everywhere i go im getting the awful feeling i know absolutely everyone there. They're all very familiar but i can't quite place them. Like i knew each of them either long ago, or just met them recently, only now i can't figure out just precisely how i know them. They all seem to know me in the same way too. Its very creepy. And I've felt this way before. I can't go crazy right now. I can not.

Its not even time to take my meds anyway and i already dont feel too good. But i cant give in.

Im tempted to rant on facebook. Shouldnt do that.

Me too! I even found a couple tanks there today

I'm feeling good. Like paranoia is low. But I'm a coward and haven't told someone else about what's going on. Such a ****ing coward. I feel this knot in my gut so nervous about it.

Like I always think about not taking my meds. And then sometimes I don't take them and then I feel restless and listless and out of control and then I take them again and I feel normalish...? But not normal. Weird. It's all hard to explain...

I don't really like the feelings either way.

I hate taking meds, myself
My goal is to stop someday. I haven't been taking my meds consistently so maybe that's a part of the reason why I hate them, I hate them because I feel like they don't do anything, I feel the same taking them as I do without them...

Except maybe I feel a little less scared? But the voices are still there, they still get loud sometimes and then the "paranoia" is still there

I want to be able to have a baby someday and id have to be off of meds for that

Tanks? Like ecig tanks?

I bought black skinny jeans, belt, and a suicide silence tee.

I took my meds. I dont like letting people down.

I feel like it's blocking my thoughts. What am i missing because of these drugs? I could be missing very important messages that could change everything! I listen to music all the time all those messages that I'm not getting what if they're important??? I don't know what to do. I have a bad feeling that I'm missing something important.

Scratch that feeling good part I don't feel good I feel like I'm missing a part of me I hate it.

Oh nonono tank tops.

I had that in 2013. I was certain I knew everyone I saw but I couldn't place them. I asked Dr. Google about it and found it could be caused by seizures or some kind of little strokes. I was cold turkeying off Klonopin at the time, so it made sense. Maybe ask a neurologist?