roll call 89

I see. Yea which is why i dont go often. The only reason i went today was to pick up my tag. Not even sure if i want a sponsor anymore.

The smoking got screwed up today and one of the group 2 smokers was late because they started 15 minutes early. And the person who was chaperoning the smokers​ told him he was late and wouldn't let him join group 3. She's such a scary *****. And I was yelled at by a nurse because I asked for the 5 dollar bill from my cash. "Ask the receptionist!" I cannot live here permanently. I don't know what to do. I have to call that conservator/lawyer and find out what's going on here. I have been too afraid to hear what she has to say, not to mention the ***** lied to me in my face.

Im very tired and exhausted but i cant nap. I had a long day.

Im wondering if a new guy from group likes me.

But i have to admit im still in this complicated relationship with my ex. I mean hes my ex and all but we still having be sorta dating still too.

But he doesnt treat me nice when hes high. And he doesnt always talk to me. I havent heard from him in 2 days.

Sorry Angelique, I hope things work out for you

I'm trying to get over these delusions. Every time I get up I start thinking people I know are in my house and I start talking g to them nonstop pacing around like a lunatic. I can look at it now and realize its a delusion but when I'm involved in it I can't tell the difference its part of my reality

I got the glow in the dark one.. Years ago

I guess I'd be really offended if I was trying to build hope and empower people and got that reply 12am. It's kind of rude, and also assumes that the helper doesn't have lived experience of MI themselves, which you can't tell just from looking at someone.

I know it depends on the way people say it (about being successful and working) because some people could mean it as a criticism, but I bet a lot more people mean it to be encouraging and yet it is taken as a criticism by people who are overly sensitive about not working. There is no need to be ashamed for not working due to ill health, but I also don't agree that a diagnosis precludes success (however that person defines it for themselves).

In my first uni and in my parents' city, I was told a lot that I couldn't do what I wanted to do and it really P'd me off. Eventually I internalised it and I sort of gave up trying to do what I wanted to do. But here in this city, both in hospital and at rehab, I've been told many times that I can work etc. Having a sz diagnosis used to be a metaphorical death sentence! People were told they would have to take meds for life, would never work or live independently or marry or have a family of their own. It was a disgrace! It still sometimes happens, but thankfully more and more people are being told that they can work etc the same as anyone else. Personally I think that's a much better message to spread than writing people off for having a MI diagnosis.

JMO.

*Willow*

Has anyone heard of, or used, the Recovery Star as a way of assessing where they are in their recovery? Did you find it helpful? I can't post a link from my phone as it keeps crashing when I try, but it's easy to google it to see what I'm on about. It rates recovery on 10 domains:

Managing mental health
Self care
Living skills
Social networks
Work
Relationships
Addictive behaviour
Responsibilities
Identity and self esteem
Trust and hope

Normally I'm not a fan of subjective rating scales, like what does an 8 really mean?? Etc. But the booklet I was given today actually gives examples of what each number means. Idk...I'm thinking about what my numbers would be. For some it's obvious, but others it could be a couple of them... I'm also not sure that rating these things would add meaning to my life? Obviously it helps the rehab unit justify their existence if they can show numbers improving during people's stays, but does it add meaning to me??

-------------------

Also, today I was given a copy of the Maudsley guidelines for treatment resistant sz where clozapine doesn't work or is contraindicated. My rehab pdoc wanted me to have a look to see what I thought. The phrase 'clutching at straws' immediately popped into my head when I saw the suggestions!

I'm not sure why he thinks I'd be willing to try any med/combo with such a dubious evidence base as these!! Lol

*Willow*

I forgot which one that is. 90 i think.

My friend said i shouldve brought it up that my therapist was late today. Because they are probably billing medicare for a full 50 min but only seeing me for half that time or less on the days i seem them.

I also wont see her for another month. So theres that.

I think it's a year actually

I would be afraid to take that test. I feel like I'm doing pretty well so if I took the test and scored a 3 is be upset.
Those kinds of tests never made sense to me.

I keep forgetting its Friday because i worked a short week. Yay! I have lots i need to get done this weekend, but no work and no appointments for 2 days sounds awesome.
Im really struggling to figure out these new diet restrictions for my wife. I'm so bad at planning/making food to begin with. Maybe i can modify curry with no salt of some kind? Will have to see if coconut milk is allowed...
I'm so out of ideas, and i can't fall back on prepared foods or delivery because of the restrictions. Ive been googling recipes, but it has to taste good enough she'll eat it.
My anxiety is off the charts. I'm having some unhelpful voices, but its not overwhelming yet. I just need a plan, and right now I don't have one.

I think i can safely say that today was a good day.

Of course it is a rude answer. But comparing one person to another person is even more rude. I'm not living in the UK (or even States), our culture is different. Diplomatic answer most of time doesn't work here. And no I am not ashamed of having mental illness though the knowledge about it is very limited here in my place, which was the first reason I joined this site with my pathetic english skill one and a half year ago.

I agree with what you said to some extent. If I gave response like I wrote earlier it will only make people thinking that I am crazy. But some people in my life deserve that kind of response and at this point in life I'm tired of people for asking me to be more than I can, I will never be enough for them. I am always either not good enough or too much. Never fitted in, never blended in. I'm trying to rebuild my life, myself, and it's hard enough already without people keep comparing me.

Yeah, I'm not sure my ratings for some of them would tally with either my mum's or my nurse's. But you can mark on it when there's a discrepancy and score both numbers. Also, one of the sections, I forget which, I could either be a 10 or a 1 depending on how you read it. Idk...I'm not sure it's worth my time... :/

*Willow*

I remember when my mum was diagnosed with her liver condition and then the steroids for the liver condition gave her diabetes, and she had to follow a liver diet and diabetes diet that contradicted in places. And she was stood in the supermarket crying her eyes out because she couldn't work out what was safe for her to buy to eat. It is definitely hard at first! BUT, you will both figure it out and it will be ok.

Hope you enjoy your weekend!

*Willow*

You sound defeated I'm sorry that's been your experience. Personally I wouldn't choose to be rude about it, but I can certainly understand why you would feel that is the only way to get your point across. I used to feel that I was never good enough, but fortunately I came to a point where I stopped feeling the need to justify my existence to others. I hope you can get to that point too one day.

All the best,

*Willow*

Thank you

Its pouring rain here and i had a cup of black hot coffee cuz i was exhausted today. Nothing better than that.

I didn't get enough sleep last night even though I took meds. Slept at 5 AM and only got 2 hours of sleep. Drowsy and anxious now. Now I hate that Pdoc for not giving me any anxiety med though I told her my anxiety been severe these 6 months x.x

My PT went well in spots today. I think I was kind of tuned out when I was with the lady who was writing up some notes on me. Then another girl took over and she was very happy that I managed to stay standing up for 15 minutes. But we were coloring a page in a coloring book while I was standing up so I had my arms and hands helping me balance and stand, along the same lines as the walker.

There was something I wanted to mention but I forgot. Oh! I was in the solarium, sitting next to one of the smokers I try to talk to, and a nurse came in with pills for me. I asked what they were and she said Risperdal, right in front of him. That was embarrassing.

And one of the residents is going home tonight, I think. She's a lot more social than me, and she seems pretty normal. I'm wondering about her history with this place, because she was here for some time and then was away, and then came back like two or three weeks ago. And now she's leaving again.

I really have to call that lawyer. I've been too angry and outraged since yesterday.

I've had TLC on all day with marathons about weddings and wedding dresses. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself.

You sound miserable there

I shouldn't have said today was great without experiencing what nighttime will have to offer me tonight.

Every night has come to the same freaking thing. Whether or not to take my meds.

Yes, I am miserable here. All my stuff that I love is away from me and probably full of rat droppings now, and I'm here for the rest of my life, unless I can convince a fair judge that I can take care of myself. Word to the wise, never go inpatient with filthy hair. That was apparently all it took to get myself locked up.