Roll Call 98

Wait a minute. She hasn't been paying your rent? What the hell is she doing with your money? I know that here the assisted living facilities take your check for room and board but at least they pay your bills and they give you $100/month.
Don't let her get to you. He's your friend because he wants to be. There is nothing to be set free from.

Like overall? Okay. Kind of tired today. Haven't day drank the last couple days. Had wine last night though. Still waiting for my meds haven't heard they've been filled yet.

She is paying the nursing home all but $60 of my check. The rent I was talking about was for my apartment, which I haven't been to in 6 months.

I just want to be dead.

Plants have feelings when you yell at them.

The only reason this actually happens is because when we yell at things we are being mean and non-sympathetic. Fruits and vegetables, especially rice, thrive in an environment of stardust, kindness, and song. Thus, if we want to stop rotting of any terrestrial energy source, we must constantly strive to play music via handmade Didgeridoo for these beings as a sign of gratitude for the eventual energy transfer that would come through consumation.

Stopping the stimulant has sent me on the rollercoaster of life again even though I was depressed as hell and wrote this last night...

"I'm feeling really hopeless. I don't know the answer and I don't think anyone can help me anymore. It's been 5 years of psychiatric and psychological help. I've been to the psychiatric hospital too many times. Even my psychologist said what's the point if you don't want help.

I can't live life with satisfaction or content.

I have no confidence. That's why I tried every street drug and medication there is. Name pretty much anything and I was on it.

But what is the point of anything anymore.

I'm not having psychosis right now but more like a deep depression.

I tried. I really did. What else can I even do. I don't know anymore.

I don't know how to make anyone, even someone that is very close to me understand my pain. I have no idea.

I think the reason I have so much empathy for people is because I've felt so much emotional pain. I'm intelligent and can see life for what it really is. Not saying that anyone reading this hasn't gone through emotional pain like I have.

If people were able to feel what I feel, I bet they wouldn't want to hurt other people".

Am I a hippy? Find out on new episode of my brain waves..

I wonder if I could run away to FL this weekend. Just leave everything behind and die in the storms.

I went to the desk and asked for a prn for anxiety. This has been a slow motion descent into hell. And it's not going to stop until I die.

Yosemite Sam was at the desk too. Gidget wasn't with him but Sleeping Beauty was there. Wonder what they were doing there. I can't think of a name for the patriarch of the in crowd. Maybe just patriarch. At the smoke break he twisted the knife and started talking to Sleeping Beauty. She is not a smoker, she just hangs out with people all day.

They lie and tell evil lies. Tell them to fluck off.

Yeah. I'm a smoker not a drinker...

I'm so sorry.
That is similar to how it is here then. Your insurance stopped paying?

Don't listen to the voices they lie.

The Medicaid is still paying most if not all of it. She just wants my check to do a spend down for Medicaid. I ate really fast and took my Ativan after eating half the plate, I hope it will help. I usually prefer to take them on an empty stomach. She said, the nurse, that I don't ask for them often.

I tried something different. I decided to ask why the voices were so angry at me. Why they wanted me to do bad things to myself. They were angry because I didn't listen to them, that I was stamping them. So I said I accept them and gave them compassion. They are still chattering, but are more peaceful now. I still feel sick but it could just be the fact I had alcohol and caffeine earlier.

Uh, maybe it's one of your meds that is making you feel anhedonia... Please tell me you're not showing signs of it. I'm worried for you now. How does music effect you? Do you feel euphoric after sex? I think you should do a med change...

I've never smoked in my life but I can drink like a fish hahaha.

Lol that never worked with my voices

I'm going to finish the letter I wrote for my pdoc about my anhedonia and drive to their office to give it to my pdoc. I hope I get a response soon.

I wrote this big list a few nights ago of things I was going to talk to my doctor about and I had it in my pocket but completely forgot to mention any of it to him yesterday. I'm such a spaz.

Maybe you should ask for them more often. Sounds like your situation may not improve for a long time. Can you escape, really? How would you get the keys?

I don't know. I don't want to be sent to someplace worse, and that would definitely happen because this place is closing down the south property and moving some people here, and sending a lot of them elsewhere. This is actually the Grand Hotel of Medicaid facilities.

That guy came by and spent 6 hour with me. Hes so sweet.

Gonna be home tho for the next 3 hours.

I can do this!

i deleted my okc account
it was getting too overwhelming getting messages from guys all the time, having them all asking me for sex and ****...

Good luck

I got my meds! ... and I washed them down with gin and food.

I'm a fool.

I explained to him why i was always tired. My meds. And that my hygiene is lacking because sometimes i get psychosis and depression episodes and i cant bring myself to shower. He said he understood because his ex was like that with depression.

Oh and he brought me vape juice! Unicorn flavor! He used points he racked up at his vape store he goes to. And he said if i want when hes off sunday he will bring me taco bell!!!!!!!

He makes me happy!

He literally seemed more appealing today.

Hes so sweet!