Roll Call 103

OMG. The place I went for the typing test the other day called me back they want to interview me tomorrow for the position.

Instantly so nervous. Excited that they called and want to interview me so quickly but I’m so nervous doing interviews.

Congrats cog!

Im really afraid im gonna die or i have something seriously wrong with me. Im literally scared to death...

I actually have an appointment this afternoon to meet with a HR specialist who is supposed to help me with my resume, interview prep, etc. It’s a service we were all given as part of our severance package from my last employer.

Totally working on interview prep today aaaahhhhh.

The crow, Deceiving and transforming, seeing the magic in life..

Life is funny, tragic.

I have a perspective on life that just sees reality too much and the opposite too much and I try to escape from both so much subconsciously, switching between the two. Whether it be physically or naturally or in terms of psychosis. Does that sound right? Most of my questions on here are rhetorical so..

90% of communication is through body language. I truly believe that. I see too much in body language. Almost too much. Someone walking towards me I don't want to communicate with them so avoid them. Only because of a certain time where I know they have a light and I just see darkness and if I do say hi, I pretend and come into their world. Deceiving to them but a way of connection at the same time. I can put my hand behind my back to say, I'm not in a good place. And the person realizes.

I always avoid everything. But I'm so curious that I eventually do it after I think about whether it's a right choice or not. Then I have no time to think because the action has been created at the same time so I have to improvise.

People I see always fought and break up. When I was a kid I was so innocent. I was happy because I didn't see what life really is. I didn't have the experience and didn't understand.

Then I see life. People say when I get ups and downs that it's "Just life". And it's true.

I'm going to wake up one day at 80 years old and not only will I say I didn't do anything with my life because I'm afraid to try new things, I go against what everyone else does and I will be thinking the same exact things as I am now, at 21 years old.

Mind developed, a mind is what it is.

Break pieces away from it and add different pieces. Transforming.

"So I take a walk, observing everything, finding out what it means, maybe it's just me. Or just me being me".

"All the crows sitting up in a line in a row. If I didn't know better I swear they were watching me".

Insidemyhead had something about this thought. It's interesting. Can be scary but you never have to worry about something that they can't see.

Because we all see different things. everyones different. People hate other people that are different from them. So maybe people are scared of what the other person doesn't see. For them, because it's karma, the paradox.

My injection is due tomorrow. I think I'm doing ok..

Im not ready to die man...im really not. I get sui from time to time but i really dont want to die...im past that. I want to do so much more with my life.

Im really damn scared

I don't think you're going to die but you need to get it checked out....I'm still thinking its some kind of GI issue......

Fantastic news!

I thought so too. I even thought maybe its my gallbladder at first. Cuz the chest pain. I wonder if my gallbladder ruptured.

Guessing with doc google or WebMD isn't likely to help, just wait and report all of your stuff to a real doc as soon as you can get in touch.

Ever since july its like i just cannot get a break...

Im literally so broken down. These past 4 months have really just broke me to pieces and its not even over.

Ive been praying and praying for help and contentment. I just want things to be better.

Sorry things are so rough for you.....

Thanks. Im trying.

Ive been tested severely. From my love life to finances to my health and everything in between.

Idk what to do you know. And i fear for my future so much. I wonder when i have future stuff like this and my parents arent around to help me financially, what do i do?

Actually, going back, i feel like i spit blood a bit because of my doctors advice to take 800mg of ibuprofen 3 times a day. Because on the third or fourth day i threw up. And not too long after the third day is when i spit blood. I wonder if it messed with my stomach a bit.

That's what I think but if you do have some sort of ulcer it needs to be treated or identified at least so you don't have to worry about it....

Damn...if i do ill need surgery....

Nevermind. Just read ulcers are treated with antibiotics

This is a drawing I found online a long time ago. Not sure who created it but it's pretty detailed..

I think that's if it's caused by bacteria.

I got an appt with the doctor tomorrow

You aren't going to die until you're very old. When I was younger than you are now, I actually got a sex sprain. My abdomen just began to murder me with pain. It's embarrassing but I went to a hospital and told them I had this pain, and I was.worried it might be my appendix. This is so horribly embarrassing. I did not share any sexual info because nothing I did was out of the ordinary for me. But it was a damn sex sprain, but I never had one before then. So we were all in the dark. The hospital doctors thought maybe it was an ectopic pregnancy, and it wasn't, and there just wasn't an explanation otherwise.

So, yeah, it's completely possible that you have a sex sprain, and that your mouth area bleeds a bit because of your piercings. But you have so much anxiety, it is a good idea to get a second opinion.

Yea the whole hurting myself during sex thing is the only direct explanation. Cuz when the bf laid on top of me multiple times (when i was on my chest, he laid on my back) i could feel my chest compressing and it hurt. I got real nervous and had to tell him to stop many times. Plus other things he did that i had to tell him to stop with!

Im NOT trying to recieve a diagnosis here.

Ive already been running this stuff through my head. Ive already talked to two doctors now. I just dont believe what they have to say.

I've been hallucinating more lately, like the last 3 days in a row, I've heard voices at various times, and I saw figures a little bit ago at the door. It's not horrible, it's bearable but makes me think how I may have to deal with this in a longer term. My averages since being off risperidone and on 5mg of Olanzapine is every other day, sometimes more. My state of mood does not appear to have an effect on it, they come and go regardless of sleep patterns too. I wonder what could be drawn out of the data I'm taking...

Also today my heart has been aching a lot (like my actual heart, body part), and that's concerning me. May want to talk to the doctor about that...

Oh wow. Please get better. Hope you can get better.

What is everyone up to?

Im gonna see if my dad cant help pay for some of my groceries today.