[ARflowerstar]

I can't deal with this.

Everytime I walk into school and there's like 50 people. I feel like just being
there..... Everyone just knows everything about me.

I feel like everyone knows everything. I just feel like they just KNOW.

And I feel so uncomfortable with people. I can't. I just hate people so much I feel so scared and I get so ANGRY at everyone because I'm so scared because I don't know what they will do!

And I've been documenting everything. I have been typing everything that I see, that is happening around me, and what I feel on my computer. I document everything. Every time I look at pictures I have taken in the past, I see that they predicted the future. Now I analyze every photo I take on my phone. They all have meaning

I draw. I just draw and my hand has a mind of its own. My mind is put onto paper. To other people, they won't understand it. It just looks like lines, and symbols, and scribbled. But to me, every thing has MEANING. Everything.

I honestly can't deal with going anywhere I just feel followed, watched, and I feel like they KNOW. And I get so angry and scared and I isolate myself because I'm scared and I get angry.

I have BPD, ADHD, Anxiety and depression but I honestly don't know if that's the cause of this because I can't deal with this and being paranoid and I know logically it makes no sense but I KNOW that its all true because I can FEEL it! And its just SO frustrating to do ANYTHING because I'm so scared living on earth.

Everyone thinks I'm an outsider. Everyone just KNOWS and it bothers me so much I try to avoid eye contact and I don't know this is driving me crazy. I'm documenting everything and trying to find clues and for some reason I feel like I never run out of things to document.

And at my sessions with my psychologist, psychiatrist, and counsellors I feel like there's never enough time because I have so much things to say and I don't even know what I'm saying half the time I just can't stop talking or writing.

Also I'm at a day treatment school. So I'm with my mental health team 6 hours a day, 5 days a week.

I mean my psychologist has been asking me more questions about this stuff but like I feel uncomfortable talking to her now because I just feel like she's analyzing every movement, every time I blink, every time I breathe, how I talk and what I say....

I just feel like people are driving me crazy I hate people I hate people I HATE PEOPLE. IM scared im scared and IM SCARED.

But I still care about people. But I'm scared of them. I'm terrified. I hate living life like this but I don't know. I keep analyzing everything, every person, every object.... Keeping track of numbers, dates, times....

I can't live like this. This is exhausting and I can't deal with people knowing.

Does anyone know what this could be? I'm just so tired of this I keep getting angry because I'm scared of people and I seriously felt like beating the crap out of someone because I was so scared and I didn't know what to let my emotions out on so I cut myself and needed 32 stitches.

I'm just so done living life like this I can't deal with this!

That sounds like it is really awful I have similar experiences, though probably not as bad as yours is. I would suggest talking to your psychologist. Maybe you could face away from them to tell them so you're not worrying about them analysing every facial movement? Or write it down so they read it and focus on the information and not you? It sounds like you need help to deal with the anxiety and anger this is causing you, so hopefully they will have some suggestions.

*Willow*

[Sometimes psychotic]

When I have stuff like this where I think people are talking about me etc they say it's my social anxiety......anxiety sucks......

[neodoering]

I'm SZA, and when I walk into a place full of people, like the local cafe, the people there start talking about me. It's all about me. They read my mind, and then they attack by inserting new thoughts in my mind. This is very aggravating and makes it hard to go out. Sometimes it's really intense and goes on the whole time I'm around other people, and sometimes it goes on for a few minutes and then stops. Fighting it with CBSST techniques sometimes makes it stop. Other times I try telling the voices to shut up, and that just escalates the intensity and loudness of the voices.

I sympathize with you; it really sucks to be sure all these people are getting inside one's head. For me, this has been going on for years. I hope you find a good med/technique to fight it.

The worst they can do is remind you how human you are.

[-Astral-]

i feel that everyone can read my mind ...and put thoughts in my head

[mcluckie93]

Originally Posted by ARflowerstar

I can't deal with this.

Everytime I walk into school and there's like 50 people. I feel like just being
there..... Everyone just knows everything about me.

I've been through a similar thing, currently going through some weird stuff in my head, but luckily for me it's not something that is consuming my entire reality so I'm still able to function.

Everyone has their own reality, and for you, unfortunately you aren't able to grasp that at this point, hopefully one day you will!

Originally Posted by ARflowerstar

I feel like everyone knows everything. I just feel like they just KNOW.

And I feel so uncomfortable with people. I can't. I just hate people so much I feel so scared and I get so ANGRY at everyone because I'm so scared because I don't know what they will do!

I've once had this problem, it's not like that so bad any more though, though sometimes it shows it's face every now and then, it's daunting honestly and I feel bad for you, crushes me inside, truly. A technique that I've found that really seems to help with it though, is that you first need to make yourself somehow get in contact with people, start conversations, and if they do like you, and if they apparently know everything about you..

(which I don't believe, because I don't know the first thing about you, unless you're me, but you're not, because I didn't write the original post, guaranteed.)

..just pretend that you're someone famous or something, because those famous people don't really have much privacy..

Originally Posted by ARflowerstar

And I've been documenting everything. I have been typing everything that I see, that is happening around me, and what I feel on my computer. I document everything. Every time I look at pictures I have taken in the past, I see that they predicted the future. Now I analyze every photo I take on my phone. They all have meaning

Spend less time documenting these things on paper, and more time documenting these things in your mind, unless you absolutely have to, because what you want to do is be able to strengthen your mind to be able to do these things in your head, instead of having to put it all down on paper first and then re-absorb it.

Originally Posted by ARflowerstar

I draw. I just draw and my hand has a mind of its own. My mind is put onto paper. To other people, they won't understand it. It just looks like lines, and symbols, and scribbled. But to me, every thing has MEANING. Everything.

I have done exactly the same thing you describe here, and I will post a link: imgur.com/a/l8X9F

I am actually wearing that shirt now as I'm writing this post.

I'm only explaining this because I'm a relatively normal person, and I'm sure you can relate to me in a lot of ways! Me reading your post I can relate to a lot of stuff you've written here so I'm explaining myself so maybe you won't feel alone (if you do, I don't know if you do!) <- I only say that because you have it in your mind that you think people are knowing everything about you (which they aren't) and no, I'm not making fun of you at all, I feel like I just need to say this so you can get a piece of your sanity back.

So those T-Shirts I have printed 2 recently, I gave one to a good friend and am wearing the other.. in future I hope to be able to make a T-Shirt business so I can make money doing something I love rather than doing an administration job for the QLD Government! Because in my job I have to talk to a lot of people and it gets exhausting!! Would much rather be drawing! Just like you also my art has meaning as well, but it's meaning that I couldn't possibly explain, it's just meaning as to what it means to me! It's personal and the only comments I've had about it is that it looks really cool, so they can't see inside my soul, so how could they see inside yours! Reality doesn't work that way haha.

Originally Posted by ARflowerstar

I honestly can't deal with going anywhere I just feel followed, watched, and I feel like they KNOW. And I get so angry and scared and I isolate myself because I'm scared and I get angry.

So even if they knew, what's it gonna change? I think this obsession of yours is more of you not just worrying about if people know something about you, I mean maybe they know what you look like if they had a quick glance at you or something but other than that they wouldn't know much more unless you know them. It's a two way street so just remember that people can't just know something about you unless you could just know something about them.. there's nothing special about you or anyone else on the planet in that regard. It seems like the idea that people are knowing things about you is just taking up too much of your brain power and you need to try and think about other things, you draw, so maybe try and gain inspiration from architecture and trees and plants, colours and patterns.. If you focus more on those things maybe you won't worry so much about those people who you think knows stuff about you, because you'll be pre-occupied doing other stuff, plus if it's been a problem of yours for a long time and you think someone might hurt you, by using the law of averages you're probably not at risk of being harmed at all if these are just strangers, and this is probably just all in your head! Try to focus on stuff that will be more beneficial to you, you sound like a creative person, so if you're not going to write a book about a character who walks around with people knowing everything about them, then it's useless to you and you should be trying to come up with some better content!

Originally Posted by ARflowerstar

I have BPD, ADHD, Anxiety and depression but I honestly don't know if that's the cause of this because I can't deal with this and being paranoid and I know logically it makes no sense but I KNOW that its all true because I can FEEL it! And its just SO frustrating to do ANYTHING because I'm so scared living on earth.

I've had depression diagnosed by a doctor, my mum thought also that I had anxiety (she told me thats what she thought obviously) and it definitely can do that, it can do all sorts of weird stuff to you, none of it is real unless you make something out of it like art or music or whatever, so don't be scared of it, and if you're afraid someones gonna hurt you, maybe you should start going to gym so if you find yourself in that situation you won't have to worry and you can settle the situation etc.

Originally Posted by ARflowerstar

Everyone thinks I'm an outsider. Everyone just KNOWS and it bothers me so much I try to avoid eye contact and I don't know this is driving me crazy. I'm documenting everything and trying to find clues and for some reason I feel like I never run out of things to document.

Everyone's going to think you're an outsider if you ARE an outsider.. you sound like you make yourself an outsider because your mind is doing it's own thing at the moment, once you can get control of your mind maybe you'll find yourself more comfortable with people, but you ARE a person, remember, people are people.

[quote=ARflowerstar;5559514] And at my sessions with my psychologist, psychiatrist, and counsellors I feel like there's never enough time because I have so much things to say and I don't even know what I'm saying half the time I just can't stop talking or writing. [quote]

That's okay, I've been to a psychologist myself and I didn't really know what they were saying to me, but after the fact I felt better about things, so just be patient through all of the confusion.

Originally Posted by ARflowerstar

Also I'm at a day treatment school. So I'm with my mental health team 6 hours a day, 5 days a week.

Okay cool, so you have heaps of help! When you find spare time, pull out the notepad and draw some drawings. Don't expect everyone to just get your ideas just because you draw something, that's not the way people work, but if you wanna keep drawing symbols, cool!

Originally Posted by ARflowerstar

I mean my psychologist has been asking me more questions about this stuff but like I feel uncomfortable talking to her now because I just feel like she's analyzing every movement, every time I blink, every time I breathe, how I talk and what I say....

That's what she's doing, but that's not what every person does, she is doing this probably to just measure your progress, honestly you do sound like you have a lot of problems and if you haven't recognized this, the sooner you do the better you'll be because you'll be able to start noticing your problems and fixing them yourself to be the person you want to be to get the stuff in life you wanna get, you know?

Also, be careful with the sort of music you listen to, because that can also cause problems subconsciously, especially if you listen to the same songs on repeat.

Originally Posted by ARflowerstar

I just feel like people are driving me crazy I hate people I hate people I HATE PEOPLE. IM scared im scared and IM SCARED.

Yes mate, I've been in that same boat, sometimes I get that way still these days, just be good, keep doing the right thing, don't say anything stupid to people to threaten them or anything like that, and have a bit of hope that everything is going to get better for you. Not everyone will understand your situation, because not everyone will go through it, but you'll hopefully look back one day when you're out of it all, and think, far out how far I've come.

Originally Posted by ARflowerstar

But I still care about people. But I'm scared of them. I'm terrified. I hate living life like this but I don't know. I keep analyzing everything, every person, every object.... Keeping track of numbers, dates, times....

I can't live like this. This is exhausting and I can't deal with people knowing.

What people know, is probably that you're just a bit unwell at the moment, they can probably see it. So maybe think about that for a little bit, that might stop you thinking people know, because it sounds like you don't really know what people know about you, but the only thing I can think of is that maybe you're too unwell to even know you're unwell, maybe I'm wrong, but as I said, I don't know you and I'm just trying to help here.

Originally Posted by ARflowerstar

Does anyone know what this could be? I'm just so tired of this I keep getting angry because I'm scared of people and I seriously felt like beating the crap out of someone because I was so scared and I didn't know what to let my emotions out on so I cut myself and needed 32 stitches.

Try getting a guitar, or start singing, or writing a novel, or continue drawing, or go for runs or go jogging, try to join a forum online who you can talk to about non mental related things, join Reddit maybe and just read through their posts and post stuff, I personally haven't had much success on Reddit, but one of my comments ended up with about 30 upvotes once so that's good enough for me!

Originally Posted by ARflowerstar

I'm just so done living life like this I can't deal with this!

Just print this post out or add it to your favorites so you can have a quick read through it, I think it's beneficial for you.

[rainbow in the dark]

I have similar experiences and still write stuff down and think the same stuff but I try to look at things more rationally, when I remember. Sometimes, it is more difficult than others.

[joshuas-mommy]

That is why you should never tell anyone anything about yourself because they will just use it against you.