Roll Call 114

I'm sorry newtus. You might not care but we do care about you, so please get help if you need.

I dont know if i need help. I have no clue what i need or want. I so badly want to run away with my boyfriend and just not look back. Its gonna be months before i move. Months. I want to get out of here so bad. I know i need to wait tho to get it right. But im really pushing the edge everyday.

Legit, when i move, im cutting my family off. I dont care. Not my dad. Just everyone else. Extended, immediate, family. My extended family talks behind my back and my mom treats me like a second class citizen. I just got off the phone with her. Her talking about a bunch of stuff, including how id make more money getting a job. What job with what degree? Id have to work full time and need benefits RIGHT now to get what im getting right now, in this country. I can barely work part time. Part time means half or less of what im getting and no health insurance. My boyfriend works full time at minimum wage with no degree and he still cant afford health insurance. I cant do without health insurance. I need my meds everyday to function and they are barely letting me get to each day.

Im doing everything i can looking for jobs while still trying to retain my disability. Ive applied many places and havent heard anything back. Ive made a freaking linkedin, reached out to people, applied, etc. I’m literally making myself physically sick (hence the thing on my back) sitting at the computer doing this the past week or two. Now i have to goto the doctor and i cant afford to pay my Medicare deductible to even be seen.

This whole disability and job/health coverage system in this country is messed up.

But besides that, i am cutting people off this year out of my life.

petition to start a hobbit hole hippie commune in new zealand and tend to bees and potato plants. i just wanna escape at this point and i think im triggering myself into a fresh episode on purpose jus to avoid reality oopsie doopsie whoopsie poopsie

Yes normally she walks like 4 miles a day and she was struggling to walk 1, its like it screws up you adrenaline or something....

FR you are amazing here, one of my favorite and most supportive people....this will pass, try to get through today.

If you're really feeling that bad you should call the hospital....that is the only rapid cure although your self care box can also help a little.

Sorry everyone is having a really bad day....

My BF is in the hospital he has diverticulitis---they are giving him IV antibiotics. I think its a bad day for everyone---I know its irrational but I wonder if it has anything to do with the supermoon eclipse tomorrow.

I cant afford the hospital. If i went to the hospital now i can throw first and last months rent and deposit out the door to some doctor that didnt help me. The hospital doesnt help me. It never really has. What would change now?

Im just gonna isolate today.

I have NO doubt in my mind that when i move im completely cutting people off except my dad. I honestly dont care. Ive been already doing this. Only reason i cant 100 percent now is because my time is still so free. Im about to call it quits with family. Sick of being put down and talked about. And REALLY sick kf people sticking their nose where it shouldnt be and they arent even helping me in any way.

Ive said it before and I'll say it again....your life is worth more than a few bills/debt. If you are at the point where you're seriously considering it then go in. If you're just feeling really bad and having the thoughts but you can control it then pull out your self care box....do something nice for you.

Im not seriously considering hurting myself. Im just so done at this point. So done. So done. Really tired of being used as a doormat for people. Tired of being nice, caring, giving people more than one chance to redeem themselves with me. Im not convinced making friends will make people nicer to me. People are just downright awful. Ugh. I coukd say so much right now. Its like is shouldnt isolate because it makes me feel worse, but im so downright tired of reaching out to people and it getting thrown in my face.

Also sick of people saying come to me for help if you need help on fb. They don’t fvcking care.

Im just depressed as hell

newtus i feel you with not being able to afford help. this countrys systems really out here tryign to kill us. but i hope you keep safe and can find some kinda outlet for these thoughts.

One thing I do is try to see things from other people's perspectives, what might be happening to make them cut me off in traffic for example. I don't feel as bad if I think, perhaps they are really late or having a medical emergency or even just have to pee or are running out of gas. By thinking about the other people and what's driving them it helps me be more positive and forgiving myself which is a far more relaxing kinda zen way to be.

yeah no kidding its a cursed tuesday

I did, but what if after a year of going to them for help they say the same thing? Or if they only been able to help one or two times after a year? Or 3 years?

For this to work, you don't think about you and what you need at all. Its about them and what's going on with them. It helps you forgive.....

I hope everyone who's feeling bad will feel better really soon. Not having the greatest day myself. Roommate was in the bathroom for over half an hour. Still leaving her wheelchair in the path. I think she's a victim of dv. It's very sad. There is never an excuse for dv but I doubt she knows any other dynamic.

My therapist works with MU. MU is manipulative and doesn't invite anyone in unless they can benefit her in some way. MU was at the talk today. She must want something big from the therapist.

This is a very depressing day.

I see. I cant do that at this point. I dont think.

Maybe it woukld help if i maybe slept or had some tea and focused on whats making me sad. Idk but i dont want to think about whats making me sad so much.

The more you think about it the more upset you get, its like a thought loop or spiral......

Yes. I do know that.

I wish i could just sleep all day today. And tomorrow. Im extremely irritable. I had some tea and gonna take a gabapentin to calm down.

If i could just relax i know itd be a lot better but im havinf trouble relaxing

Try that 60 bpm music if you can it actually really calmed me down the other night.....

So it’s been 3 1/2 hours and I’m fine, no side effects yet.
Decided I’m guna stop taking the olanzapine and start taking the amisulpride. Man I’m so excited to be able to wake up okay tomorrow morning. I’m hoping since I reduced the olanzapine to 5mg for a week I shouldn’t get withdrawals