Roll Call 141!

Thanks!!!!!

That's awesome!

I'm going to hang out with my friend tomorrow. Looking forward to it

I'm craving nicotine and it doesn't satisfy my brain and the vyvanse is smoother than concerta and coffee feels underwhelming.. I feel zero adrenaline...

There is something wrong with me. I think I need to exercise.. So I will do that tomorrow and hopefully I'll feel better and relieved...

3 more days and I'll be in Davenport Florida with my family. I'm not doing well. I've been having really negative thoughts. I cant' find or feel any peace of mind. I need to though, but I'm backed in a corner where meds or outlook, not even a beer, will give me any peace of mind. I'm so emotionally numb. My pdoc has no more options that I haven't tried besides ECT and **** no im not going to try that, even if I could afford it. These drugs have saved my life on one hand, but destroyed the best part about life. What's the point of life if you can't feel?

Do you have any hobbies besides writing snd philosophy?

Pardon me if i sound mean...

Day Tripper, I'm sorry you aren't doing well. I empathize with you because medications have helped me so much but I'm so flat all the time, it's hard to feel anything. I'm sorry you're having really negative thoughts. Will being with your family help? Keep talking here if it is helpful. Kit.

I’m sorry DT that sounds horrible 😰 there is always the future..I hear there’s a lot of speculation about MDMA being able to open people back up. I mean currently it’s illegal but you know perhaps in the future? Guided therapy and all that.

I know ECT sounds scary, but if you look at the research, it actually has far fewer side effects than medication. In fact, doctors recommend it for pregnant or breastfeeding women, because it is less harmful to the baby than medication. If I wasn't able to find a medication that worked well for me, I would give ECT a shot.

That's not mean, it's just an honest question. I have no other hobbies besides reading (I read a lot of non ficiton/ fantasy/sci fi on top of philosophy/psychology, and classic lit.)
To be honest, I can't really enjoy even music really. To me it's interesting, but comes nowhere near an emotion. The meds gave me an emotional lobotomy that wont go away no matter what meds I take away. One of the drugs I have taken have forever, perhaps, taken away my emotions completely. I'm thinking it was the SSRI lexapro.

To be honest, i don't even like going out anywhere with people because i literally can't have an emotional bond. I am unable to empathize at all. So me going anywhere with people just involves me tolerating company, and faking a smile.

I want to watch more of black mirror but my mind is too traumatized to be even more disturbed

I don't think I can handle another episode lol..

I can’t wait. I gave my dogs their Christmas presents. They are so happy.

Aww! They're so cute

I bought a thing of treats for my cats and am getting some new toys for them later this week for their Christmas presents

I tried MDMA (In a dream that I had of course) and it cured my negative symptoms for 6 days. Every time I would hear a song on the radio (In my dream), I would burst out crying because the lyrics were so meaningful in my head and I was really able to 'get' meaning. I watched the news about people raising money for cancer and I could feel the empathy in humanity and I cried. When I listened to music, I could feel the chills all over my body.

I really think that it can help people based on this dream..

I used to feel like that often. I don't really since my mood stabilizer was increased. I would read stuff and feel so amazed and connected and happy, I'd cry and it was amazing. same with movies, music, and just any ideas in my head in general. Everything was so amazing. I miss it

I hope you find something that helps DT. I felt like that but thankfully it went away eventually. It's so difficult finding balance

5HT2A receptor: Agonist = psychedelic (Causing positive symptoms in schizophrenia but helps depressed patients). Antagonist = antipsychotic (Reducing positive symptoms in schizophrenia and causes movement disorders and can be added in low dose to SSRI to improve depression)

Vesicular monoamine transporter 2 (VMAT2): Inhibitor = empathogenic (MDMA - Causing mania). Reverse inhibitor = tetrabenazine (Reduces symptoms of movement disorder caused by antipsychotics - Causes suicidal thoughts in patients)...

Downregulation of post-synaptic 5-HT2A receptor is an adaptive process provoked by chronic administration of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) and classical antipsychotics. Suicidal and otherwise depressed patients have had more 5-HT2A receptors than normal patients. These findings suggest that post-synaptic 5-HT2A overdensity is involved in the pathogenesis of depression

Conclusion: The more serotonin receptors you have, the more depressed you are. The more downregulated they are when less, the more serotonin and .. oh god my brain can't process this.. (Conclusion failed)

I think my doctor is poisoning me with this drugs I don’t like it. Go away mirrors.

Received $400 benefits towards my heating bill for the winter months. This will help so much!!'

I lay in bed but it's nothing to do with getting rest, instead I use it as an escape from all the mess

I sent this to my husband...he didn’t bite

I want to just save money, get a backpack with essential survival stuff and walk or hitchhike anywhere. For like thousands of kilometers.

I think that will help with depression?

I to just do it around town first.. start with talking to people and hanging around places.. smoke cigarettes (Or not..)

Idk.. I want to hike.. I should ask my friend that hikes in the winter if I can go with him..

It's 1 degree celsius so I'm going to go for a walk right now.. somewhere out in the forest and then trail to a gas station.. (Buy cigarettes.. oh no.. my thought has went to a dead end with cigarettes.. there's nothing I can do but buy cigarettes.. I MISS CIGARETTES.. Aaaaah...)

I feel sad and quite miserable.. but I feel hope.. comfort.. idk not really I want to take a psych.. clear my mind psychotically.. in a way... but yeah..

I tried to tell my mom about how I'm feeling but she made it all about her. Like she tries to make me a comfortable home and christmas etc. But I want to be on my own. Those that wander are not lost. I just want to go somewhere and maybe idk..

What is wrong with me

I talked with her again and she said for me to sit with her on my computer and bring the cat but I just want to be alone.

I told her I was craving a cigarette really bad because it would make me feel less depressed so she said to chew nicotine gum which is what I'm doing.

She said I can't travel because I'm in a secure environment on medication.