Roll Call 141!

Erti · Dec 19, 2018, 12:03 AM

i'm up all night and sleep all day.

Erti · Dec 19, 2018, 12:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

I talked with her again and she said for me to sit with her on my computer and bring the cat but I just want to be alone.

I told her I was craving a cigarette really bad because it would make me feel less depressed so she said to chew nicotine gum which is what I'm doing.

She said I can't travel because I'm in a secure environment on medication.

is she overprotective of you?

Blue_Bird · Dec 19, 2018, 12:50 AM

Fell asleep for a couple hours. Gonna read for awhile then go back to sleep later

Erti · Dec 19, 2018, 12:51 AM

all byyyyyyy myseeeeeeeeeelf
don't wanna be
aaaalllll byyy myseeeeeeeeeelf

Desoxyn · Dec 19, 2018, 01:16 AM

I feel a bit better cuz I talked to my dad on the phone and we laughed a bunch...

Desoxyn · Dec 19, 2018, 01:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Erti

is she overprotective of you?

I think so

Possible trigger:

Heroin coke crack meth i should be dead but maybe that's no excuse to be over protective? idk. I seem to have a good life. People would like to be in the situation I'm in..

But idk maybe I don't believe that things are going well for me because I gave up so much hope years ago

Desoxyn · Dec 19, 2018, 01:21 AM

I spent an hour watching cyanide and happiness

Desoxyn · Dec 19, 2018, 01:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Fell asleep for a couple hours. Gonna read for awhile then go back to sleep later

Tell me how you focus.. I will try to read with a fidget spinner..

Blue_Bird · Dec 19, 2018, 01:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

Tell me how you focus.. I will try to read with a fidget spinner..

I actually have an extremely hard time focusing, especially lately. I have this worry stone I hold to try and keep myself "present". It helps a bit. I take so long to read books now. Even watching shows or movies, I space out or stop and get up like 10 times. I guess I'll just have to keep working on it

Erti · Dec 19, 2018, 01:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

I think so

Possible trigger:

Heroin coke crack meth i should be dead but maybe that's no excuse to be over protective? idk. I seem to have a good life. People would like to be in the situation I'm in..

But idk maybe I don't believe that things are going well for me because I gave up so much hope years ago

yeah but but schizophrenia is debilitating and i'm sure your mom's just worried that schiz will kill you even if the drugs didn't.

Desoxyn · Dec 19, 2018, 01:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I actually have an extremely hard time focusing, especially lately. I have this worry stone I hold to try and keep myself "present". It helps a bit. I take so long to read books now. Even watching shows or movies, I space out or stop and get up like 10 times. I guess I'll just have to keep working on it

Yes! We will keep working on it.

But sorry to hear that your mind went to mush like mine. I think it gets better as we age. When reading, there's just so much that our young minds are thinking about (Sex, drugs, rockin' roll - No just kidding.. more like mental scatter and thoughts that are disconnected from reality and past regrets with future anxieties) and then when we get older (Not too old), things will quieten down. Maybe you want kids? But then that would be hell! But when they are older I guess..

For me I will be drinking coffee where it is made in Columbia reading a book in the morning when the sun is rising and looking at the news (Because I will be in my 30's or 40's).

Then we will get even older and it will be the same thing except it's different where our minds will be too slow.. but then we will read slowly.. I will be smoking a cigar..

Desoxyn · Dec 19, 2018, 01:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Erti

yeah but but schizophrenia is debilitating and i'm sure your mom's just worried that schiz will kill you even if the drugs didn't.

Possible trigger:

She was worried that I would go outside and try to kill myself so I have to stay inside

Desoxyn · Dec 19, 2018, 01:48 AM

I'm thankful for my sense of humour. Without it I would be in a deep dark place. My mom told me to come into her bed and then I stood on the christmas tree box and fell through and scared the cat. I started laughing a bit..

Erti · Dec 19, 2018, 01:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

Possible trigger:

She was worried that I would go outside and try to kill myself so I have to stay inside

Damn, my mom would be happy that i walk outside.

junkDNA · Dec 19, 2018, 04:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Day Tripper

To be honest, i don't even like going out anywhere with people because i literally can't have an emotional bond. I am unable to empathize at all. So me going anywhere with people just involves me tolerating company, and faking a smile.

this is so me. my roommate turned to me at my work xmas party and told me she's a chameleon. I understood what she meant and said me too! I've never heard it put that way but it totally fits me. I tolerate ppl at best

junkDNA · Dec 19, 2018, 04:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Received $400 benefits towards my heating bill for the winter months. This will help so much!!'

ugh I need that

junkDNA · Dec 19, 2018, 04:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

I want to just save money, get a backpack with essential survival stuff and walk or hitchhike anywhere. For like thousands of kilometers.

I think that will help with depression?

I to just do it around town first.. start with talking to people and hanging around places.. smoke cigarettes (Or not..)

Idk.. I want to hike.. I should ask my friend that hikes in the winter if I can go with him..

It's 1 degree celsius so I'm going to go for a walk right now.. somewhere out in the forest and then trail to a gas station.. (Buy cigarettes.. oh no.. my thought has went to a dead end with cigarettes.. there's nothing I can do but buy cigarettes.. I MISS CIGARETTES.. Aaaaah...)

I feel sad and quite miserable.. but I feel hope.. comfort.. idk not really I want to take a psych.. clear my mind psychotically.. in a way... but yeah..

don't end up like the guy in Into the Wild!!!!! Christopher McCandless(sp?)

ofthevalley · Dec 19, 2018, 05:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by junkDNA

this is so me. my roommate turned to me at my work xmas party and told me she's a chameleon. I understood what she meant and said me too! I've never heard it put that way but it totally fits me. I tolerate ppl at best

Yes. I’m not overly fond of people myself. Like you I tolerate them.
I have noticed as I’ve gotten older that tolerance will only get you so far. I now find myself being openly...not quite rude but obviously annoyed. What my lips don’t say my face sure does.

Erti · Dec 19, 2018, 05:34 AM

there is no reasoning with someone when you tell them things they don't want to hear.

junkDNA · Dec 19, 2018, 06:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ofthevalley

Yes. I’m not overly fond of people myself. Like you I tolerate them.
I have noticed as I’ve gotten older that tolerance will only get you so far. I now find myself being openly...not quite rude but obviously annoyed. What my lips don’t say my face sure does.

same... my face always shows my true emotions lol

Findingreason · Dec 19, 2018, 07:21 AM

Good morning/afternoon everyone. How are things going?

I'm okay. Went to a holiday party for a little. Now just spending time at home and talking to my wife. Then I have a Skype with a partner at 6pm. My SSD also came in the mail today.

What's everyone up to?

Loial · Dec 19, 2018, 07:38 AM

Morning,

I slept well last night and didn’t get out of bed until 11am. I had a shower and been for a haircut already in preparation for going away tomorrow. Need to put some laundry on soon so it can dry for tomorrow.

Otherwise not too much going on. Will probably watch some Alias. Oh and I think I’m playing RDR2 with my friend tonight.