coping with schizophrenia

cleaning the bath tub took 9 minutes rather than 5, yesterday. I should try getting my own bar soap.

I was trying to find an online forum of my local community. I ended up discovering a website with a lot of community information! I know so much more about my community now. the information can help me with promotion of my peer service and stuff, i feel.

Carelessly trying to find a peer in my local neighborhood, with flyers, might result in finding bullies rather than peers. My mom is enough of a bully, and I don't need any more. Some people discriminate against the mentally ill. Rather, I can focus on finding ways to specifically target my potential peer. Like instead of leaving flyers throughout my neighborhood on a monthly basis, I can meet with people to give them cards or flyers directly.

I was watching some gameplay of Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep, and at some point, some dude asks a female main character out on a date. I wonder why I haven't asked any lady out on a date myself. I've not been on a date before.


then again, some women discriminate against me because of my mental illness, gender, sexuality, religion, hair, skin color, race, age, economy, and height. I've been on dating websites where no women responds to my messages. Being ignored or discriminated against can have a grave effect on my social health and can give me social anxiety, especially if I don't have any social friends and positive social experiences to counter that negative social experience.

There's a thing to be proud of, with respect to not going on a date or even not asking women out on dates: I treat women like I treat men. Better yet, I treat women without regard for their gender. I think that's something to be proud about. A lot of men can say that they don't mistreat women, but my history of not dating or sexing women proves that I truly haven't treated women any differently than I've treated men.

sometimes I feel like I'd be more attractive if I was more muscular. Unfortunately that wouldn't necessarily be true; as some women and communities discriminate against me because of my mental illness, gender, sexuality, religion, hair, skin color, race, age, economy, and height.

Like if I gained a lot of muscle, would women then want me? Well I haven't wanted any woman in a long time, regardless of how beautiful some women are. So even if I did gain a lot of muscle, that doesn't mean that women would want me.

gaining a lot of muscle is a huge time investment. If I want to gain a lot of muscle, it would have to be for a good reason with a sure solution. I'd rather enjoy my time on earth rather than waste it on pursuing fruitless and vain endeavors.

it's funny to think that I was looking at fictional depictions of people, when thinking of this muscle idea. was I hoping to be as attractive as a fictional depiction of human beings? and I know that my sexuality is a lot stronger than others. Just because I find someone attractive, that doesn't mean that others will find me attractive.

yesterday I bought milk from the bodega and it was expired. I just don't like buying food from that place, as it's usually very expensive. It's worse when the food is poor quality. Pretty much wasted my money.


So today, I went to the supermarket and got better healthier food. yay! I even took a 38-minute walk to and fro the supermarket.

I've been trying to find peers based on background. That hasn't been too promising with respect to mental health. I can't really promote a mental health peer service openly because people in my local town would ridicule me for my mental illness.


I had an idea of trying to communicate with homeless persons, but I didn't know why. Now I've found a reason to communicate with homeless persons: we have a similar economy. of course I'd be assuming that a homeless person has no employment like me, but eh.

I've been mistreated for my mental illness, gender, sexuality, religion, hair, skin color, race, age, economy, and height. these are all areas where I can find individuals of respective backgrounds. I don't have to find a mental health peer, especially if mentally ill persons are mistreated where i live.

maybe i should apply for medicare/medicaid and just get therapy. my mental illness makes it difficult to communicate or socialize like others. It's ridiculous that I have to pay a lot of money, just to communicate with local people; but my social health is important.

my mom's back from her week vacation at Florida.

I walked by the local homeless shelter. When I was googling for nearby homeless shelters, I read about some incident where a director was killed. It's a bit scary. but I've been to homeless shelters before. they are rough places, yet they are the place where I will find people like me, people of my economic background.

I want to find people to have positive social encounters with, to counter my negative social encounters with mom. some days ago, I had a thought of destroying my mom. If I leave that unchecked, then i might do something that I'd regret.

next time i visit the shelter, i think i'll carry some peanuts for the homeless. I feel that communication isn't free, but communicating with the homeless is definitely cheaper than with therapists. But I'm also probably going to read about substance abuse, before communicating with the homeless, as substance abuse is a factor associated with homelessness and I don't want to accidentally abuse substances.

well i'm house-sitting for mom today. can't go to the library until her package arrives.


I woke up late for some volunteer work today. Had I woken up earlier, I would've been able to volunteer and avoid house-sitting. but now I can't even attend late due to house-sitting.

All my fault. But there are more opportunities to volunteer.


I will admit that for a long time, I thought I couldn't do full-time or part-time work because of my dependency on mom. My mom works and makes a lot of money though, and we live under the same roof; so I probably don't need full-time or part-time work anyways. I will need more flexible work, which is why I've been more confident in my self-employment pursuit.

I'm going to sing at the park, to communicate with my community. I'm going to investigate the legality of this beforehand.

I wanted to hang around with some homeless shelter yesterday, but I was told that I could get arrested for doing so. I honestly don't know how to find local people to communicate with now. I do know a bit about poetry though. and a lot of men like me have been involved with music and song.


Songs and poetry have a good relation. Songs are a way to communicate. I've not sung before and I would want to communicate through song, which could possibly mean creating my own songs. But to do that, I should sing some other basic songs first, and use elements of those songs to construct my own songs.


but i want to review the legality of singing at a park, first. My neighborhood is not a good place. Some men like me get arrested or shot down for unexplained reasons. Discrimination is something I want to identify and avoid, and reviewing law can be of use here. I know men like me who've also reviewed laws.

I'm disappointed that I missed my chance to volunteer at the park. But at least I'd volunteer last month, so I'm probably still a better candidate than newcomers, next month. And there are plenty more chances for me to volunteer.

I live in a crowded city, so trying to volunteer can be like applying for a job, which is ridiculous and stupid. It's been snowing lately though, so there might be chances to shovel snow for others. I want to volunteer because it's a way to give back to my governments, since I don't pay taxes yet.

Have you tried Nami, they often have peer support groups and other resources.

Home | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness

Alternately try 7 cups to talk with someone online.

Online Therapy & Free Counseling, Someone To Talk To | 7 Cups

I also like the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance: dbsalliance.org.

If you don't have a job, you should qualify for Medicaid. I think it's worth applying.

thanks Sometimes psychotic. I might reconsider the closest NAMI NYC, though it's miles away. I might try 7cups again too.

thanks downandlonely. I might try that alliance. I should honestly apply for Medicaid, even if some doctors treat me differently for having it.

A lot of nami offices are on public transit lines whether bus or train, or at least that’s how it is here. Medicaid is actually pretty good insurance and will reduce your costs substantially if you want to see a Traditional therapist. I’m getting onto Medicaid now, it takes some time though....

I hope you get medicaid soon

I took a 36-minute shower, far from 25 minutes. I need to buy my own soap and use my own hair shampoo. both would make my shower more quick.

I'm going to focus on one self-employment business rather than two self-employment businesses. Having multiple jobs might be simple for some people: even my mom has two jobs. but a self-employment is a lot more than a job. self-employment requires research into industry, population, supply, demand, competition, and my neighborhood. self-employment also requires promotion and advertisement. So it might be easier for someone to have multiple jobs, but it might not be easy for someone to have multiple self-employment businesses.

my mom wants me to try to get a paraprofessional job. national statistics show that mostly black females get that job, so i might not get hired. It's part of the childcare and education business where colored men are rare. I tried being a local babysitter some time ago, only to be rejected by some childcare network. there are also employers who'd hire an individual for his interview attire rather than his trade skills or experience, which is why I pursue self-employment where my appearance or background has less influence on my work.


I wanted to do other jobs like refuse and recyclable material collecting or working with the New York City Department of Sanitation, but mom threatened to evict me if I got such jobs. She doesn't care too much about my financial well-being.

I'm going to try to apply for this paraprofessional job, but not with much effort. I'll just do the bare minimum of what mom wants, since I'm religiously suppose to honor her, but I'll continue focusing on more promising opportunities.

the unfortunate part is that mom will be harassing me along the way. and in the end, she'll blame me when I don't get hired. But at least I can predict her harassment and I have safe ways to handle it without thinking of hurting her. I'll be singing at the park, as well as spending less time at home where she harasses me.

i have to recertify my SNAP benefits.

the annoying bit is that I have to list everyone who lives with me and their incomes. I know somewhat about my mom's two occupations, so I guess I can make an honest estimate.

I was thinking of just excluding her from my application, but I might get in trouble for that. Her being in my application might have an influence on my SNAP benefit amount, and I can get in legal trouble and debt with the governments by withholding important facts.


Her income's a lot, since she works a lot. I'm hoping they just lower my food stamp rather than cut it. I doubt they'd cut it because I haven't found work yet, though they might get me work in exchange. But I wouldn't be upset if they lower my food stamp because mom does give me food sometimes and I can get food from local pantries, kitchens, and banks.

I played a lot of nintendo games when i was a kid. I've been seeing some nintendo and playstation video games on youtube, since I don't have money or time to play video games.

Most games that I've watch have some references to some other nation. My younger brother first noted this when I was younger. I've been a bit paranoid about that, since then. but I know that some video games are just games and don't have any cultural, racial, or national purpose.

Still, when I go onto youtube, a lot of people seem to underline the cultural, racial, and national features of video games. It's not too comfortable as I like video games for their ability to help me escape from reality. It's a bit dull when I see a video game and then get reminded about real-life. The least entertaining thing of a video game (in my opinion) is its cultural, racial, and national features.


I also don't like those features because I feel they might misinform me. For me, a video game is not as good of a source of cultural, racial, and national information as a book. I have a fear of unconsciously confusing cultural, racial or national information from what I observe through video games.

I think I'm going to look into Xbox video games, as the Xbox is a video game console of my homeland. but eh, I don't know. I feel most of my homeland's video games are quite military, like Halo and Call of Duty, which isn't too entertaining for me. I'm especially not too fond of video games where females are brutally killed or assaulted.

well it was bound to happen: I'm going to get medically reviewed for SSI.

At first, I was a bit scared. I don't fear not having SSI as much as I fear living with my mom without it. Mom would definitely harass me more, and my thoughts of destroying her would worsen.


In November, I was in the psych ward because I thought I had rabies, even after the doctors confirmed that I didn't. Other than that, I can't remember another recent time that I've been hospitalized. I know I'm still mentally ill, though that fact isn't enough to ensure I'd get SSI, where I live. And I know many mentally ill people who work.


I'm going to take a break from poetry, to double my hours of employment planning. I can do as much poetry as I want, after I've confirmed my financial status in April.

There's a Ticket To Work program that can postpone my SSI application decision. The program helps me gain employment through employer and federal contractor networking. I tried doing it before, but I felt more confident in self-employment. Now I will try it again, as doing so would also extend my SSI period.


If I don't get work by April and if I don't get SSI, I will try to join the army. Since I'm mentally ill, it probably won't work; but I'll try. There might be a difference between my being mentally ill and the federal government's confirmation of my mental illness, especially if I don't get SSI. I'm pretty sure I'll die immediately in the army, as I also have poor eyesight, which also explains my disinterest in providing local protection services. Though I might google some information about the army, to see if I can find some work outside of the battlefield.

I've been struggling with finding ways to communicate with others. I've been trying to find positive social experiences with my local community, to counter negative social experiences with my mom. This has been challenging because it requires an understanding of human beings, discrimination, and my schizophrenia.

I've had some idea earlier about hiring tutors, and communicating with those tutors, as a possible method of communication. It felt a bit random and expensive though, so I dismissed it. But now I feel there's a good reason to pursue that idea. Back when I was watching some videos about work; I was informed of different forms of work including employment, volunteering, and college study.


I was also told that work had many benefits including meeting new people. At first, I thought that was a strange benefit. But now I'm realizing that it could be a key for me to communicate with my local community.

tutoring is the least expensive association to college study, where I live. I can probably pay for an hour of tutoring per week, which isn't much. I can probably get tutors to proofread my old poetry or to teach me Spanish. In between, I guess I'll find small ways to communicate with them. the key isn't so much about communication as it's about having positive social experiences with them.


I'm still volunteering and trying to find employment. But I know that employment and volunteerism doesn't guarantee communication or a social environment and can result in more negative social experiences. Trying to be social at work could even cost a job, in certain situations. My mental illness makes socializing more difficult than normal.

I can communicate and have positive social experiences with a local therapist or counselor, but that's quite expensive. This might be where applying for Medicaid might help. The tutoring idea is a lot cheaper though, so I might try it first.

I've realized that I might have to pay to meet some needs, just like how people pay for food and shelter, especially if my mental illness impedes conventional economic ways of meeting those needs.