coping with schizophrenia

I was watching Prince of Persia gameplay on youtube. The video game is about marriage, so it's weird and uncomfortable.

There's some scene in a video game where some lady encounters a random man and goes on some adventure with him. Women don't work like that, unless they want to risk a disease or something. Video games are funny.

I'm more hungry than usual today. I think it's because I did too much physical activity. I usually only aim for 38 minutes of walking. but today, I shoveled snow for 22 minutes. then I took a 49-minute walk between the check-cashing place and post office. Snow shoveling is also considered high-intensity aerobic activity.

I might have to exceed my food budget for today, but at least I know why.

all the snow has gotten me more active. I shoveled snow for 16 minutes. very good high-intensity aerobic activity.

my diet's been a bit bad though. also I think school's closed because of the snow storm, so mom doesn't have to work today.

yesterday was my sister's birthday.

I should probably start scheduling my meals to optimize my diet on days when my daily food budget is low. eating most of my food, too early in the day, can make me hungry later on and encourage me to exceed my food budget.

the other day, I was in some public chat room talking to people when one of them brought up dating websites.

I quit dating websites for many reasons. (1) I can't prove if the women on a dating website are real or robots, especially since almost nobody responds to my messages. (2) the websites discriminate. (3) some women discriminate, even one time a lady's profile explicitly read that she prefers white men. (4) I get weird and borderline-illegal private messages of solicitation, which is disrespectful and rude

I'm happy i quit dating websites for now. I feel my social health and view of romance has improved a lot, after leaving those websites.

I quit dating websites too. I'm bisexual, so I put that, but a lot of straight men seem to think "bisexual" means "nymphomaniac". And they only focus on the sex part. I would like to date women, but none of them are interested in me. It's only horny straight guys. So I gave it up.

I think my mom got into a car accident, last night when she didn't come home until 6am. I overheard her say "insurance" and "hospital" while talking to my sister who was telling her to get rest. My mom works a lot, but i don't pity her too much because she spends her money on vacations and furniture while prohibiting my economic lifestyle. She works so much that I'm quite sure that she's not getting enough sleep. Sleep is important and can affect her performance, especially when driving.

i took a 37-minute shower, more than 25 minutes. I don't shower often, so maybe I should consider that when timing my shower. If anything, I should probably allow a 45-minute shower and a 15-minute bathroom cleanup.

I've been so busy and stressed this week that I've forgotten to do muscle-strengthening exercises. I need to fix my routine more, to allow time to exercise. diet and exercise are my only health insurance.

i'm thinking of volunteering at least 7 hours each week. volunteering would be a great way for me to enjoy time with my local community and avoid my mom.

I had a dream that I was dancing with a lady in an elevator. It was a silly but nice dream.

i was watching some video when the commentator started to talk about women's clothing. he was also complaining about women in tight jeans and etc. though he noted it's mostly high school girls.

i don't really notice what women wear nowadays. i'll be honest and admit that i'm not too fond of summer because of what women would wear, but eh. i kind-of know how some women are sort-of forced to wear certain attire for their employers. other than that, i really don't care what they wear, even if they wore nothing. I just make sure to keep my distance, even walking on the other side of roads if i must.

i definitely stay away from high schoolers because they're underaged. I avoid underaged persons like the plague. high school girls are young and probably don't have full control over what they wear to school, anyways. my mom pretty much bought and prepared my clothes when i was in high school. i kind-of feel sad for high school girls.

I had a dream that i was playing with toys, with my brother; like when we were kids. It's unfortunate that my brother and I don't talk as much as we had.

well i was in some chatroom on some other website the other day, where some random lady showed up and started to talk about how much she liked some man's looks.

i will say i was a bit jealous. but it wasn't just jealousy as it was that (1) I usually get called a creep or get reprimanded for talking about women's beauty and (2) I already know that admiring a lady's beauty can be vain.

Eventually I just kind of told her that i like blonde ladies and about some photo of a lady that i liked. then she just stopped talking about that dude. was funny. I don't like talking to women much, and i kind of try to limit my communications with them twice a week; but if a lady wants to talk about vain things, then i can play that game quite well too. haha

i bought 4-days worth of food for about 15$: raisins, peanuts, beans, and oats.

It's boring and probably not too healthy to eat only those for 4 days. it's not healthy to eat the same foods all the time, as variety is important for getting all the different types of nutrients, vitamins, and minerals. my mom sometimes gives me different food though. and after the 4 day, i'll buy other different foods, including dairy.

i'm already feeling sick of this redundant food. meh.

i'm going to do exercise and other important routine things immediately after meals, when i have the most energy.

I volunteered at the park today. I was put in a situation where I had to work with some lady. I didn't talk though. she looked underaged and I know a lot of men who got arrested and were near underaged persons.

I didn't really talk to anyone there. I like volunteering because it's a chance to give back to my government. But I feel I can also use volunteering to communicate with people to help counter the negative social experiences with my mom. So I probably should've been more social.

I think talking with locals is an efficient and affordable way to get information about my zip code area.

Newspapers don't really talk about my neighborhood but rather bigger communities, so specific information from newspapers can be scarce.

I can gather some information from the government, but the smallest level of government is the city government. So I would be getting information pertaining to my whole city or my community district, which are both greater than my zip code area. Also, the government sometimes publishes data on an annual basis, which might not be current enough to be useful for me. and the government is also obligated to be confidential, so I wouldn't be able to get client-specific information.

the internet itself can be great for getting information, but it serves the whole world and doesn't always have information pertaining to my zip code area. Google map has outdated information about some local businesses that help me understand the local zip code area but links to a plethora of current information on big businesses that might not have explicit local information since they serve multiple zip code areas and cities.

There are many instances where I can buy information, but I'd have to consider the value of such information. For instance, i can buy current newspapers rather than read old newspapers in public archieves but even current newspapers might not have information about my zip code area. There are people who sell data on the internet, but the internet is also full of scams and misinformation.

the idea, of talking to people for information, is quite unknown to me. I've been avoiding it because I've always felt that I could get information in other ways (which I can but sometimes tediously and indirectly.) i also have a mental illness that makes it hard to interact with others. I know that there are some people who are prejudice against me because of my background and mental illness.

So if I do talk to locals for information, I'll need to carefully plan such method of securing information. If anything, I can probably talk to employers, employees, or people associated with a specific trade of interest to get information on that local trade's economy. I can also casually talk to people standing outside of specific trade stores.

I can also volunteer, and get information from talking to people while volunteering.

I can probably also eavesdrop on public conversations too, but that's indirect and a bit inefficient.

i'm noticing that driving can be a very important skill. I might get myself a driver's license, even for driving trucks.

I didn't want to learn driving because I don't know anything about cars. Rather, I knew that cars require gas/oil and that can make them financially and environmentally dangerous. I also don't think I can afford to buy or maintain a car.

But a lot of men like me are in the automotive industry.

Even the significant employees of my local government (like police, firefighters, and sanitation workers) have vehicles. So knowing how to drive can be very beneficial.

Even with respect to meeting basic needs, transportation is important. People import food from other locations, and they need drivers and trucks to transport that foods. Even people who work in housing construction sites need trucks to carry heavy loads.

Men like me were laborers, but technology seemed to have affected the hand labor market. I feel vehicles are an example of that technology and transformation of the hand labor industry. So driving skills, especially with trucks, can be very useful for me; regardless of whether or not I own a vehicle.

i took myself off SNAP food stamp. I wanted to take myself off SSI too, and rather apply for some TANF benefits. I know a lot of people with physical and mental disabilities who really need SSI more than I, as well as a lot of people with mental disabilities who work. I'm also under medical review now, so I might get cut off from SSI anyways.

my monthly food budget now is like 70$, 35% of my previous monthly food budget of 200$. I can live on that budget but the food is boring and mundane for now.

I wanted to do some extra things today, but they would make me feel hungry. my new diet is quite delicate. I have to use my calories wisely. than again, i did exercise a lot, today.

my mom cooked today! time to sneak some food . . . heh. she'll probably offer me some anyways, like always. i'll cook some beans and combine it with some of her rice. i'll add some of my oats too. not the funnest breakfast, but eh. i'm just beginning a new diet, so it won't be fun until I adapt to it.


she cooked meat too, but I don't need it much. i got beans and olives.

whenever I don't have time to cook or even prepare a proper meal, I'd buy cookies from the store. it was like a food to help counter stress too. With my new diet/budget though, I can't really afford that anymore. Instead, I might just buy a quick can of soup. though cold soup isn't quite comforting. maybe a can of pasta.

my mom has me cooking for her, especially when i was thinking of napping. I hope she doesn't make this a habit.

I like getting free food, but not when I have to cook it and then wash the dishes. also, she harasses me if I don't cook the food right. I would sooner just eat a can of soup than cook dinner.

If she complains about the food, I'm just going to say that she better be careful that I don't accidentally improperly cook the food and have her bedridden from work for days. I'm not qualified to cook, and I don't need to cook becuase my main diet usually only needs a microwave or boiling.

I've been reprimanded on some public chatroom website for treating women differently than others, like sharing communications of dating and romancing women. I myself have realized that I treat women differently than others, but I feel that such mistreatment is not from my conscious alone.

Rather I feel my religion and society has some influence on my discriminant behavior. For instance, women go to different bathrooms than men. if women and men were to be treated equally, why don't they share the same public bathrooms? why do some christians approve men dating women, but not men dating men? I know certain environments where if I behaved towards men in the same way I behave towards women, I would be attacked by religious persons.

Why does my society build laws identifying and concerning marriage or marital status, especially excluding homosexuals, when marriage is simply a voluntary and random union between two people? if i kiss a random lady outside, why should my society give me benefits for that or identify me as a "spouse?"

So changing my romantic poetic personality around women would probably not be easy, if my local society and religion both influence that personality. And so it might be best for me to seek extra help with this, like joining some online group. Maybe I can join some online group of singles.

mom came home and yelled at me, so I took a walk to the hospital to avoid her. Sundays are the roughest days because the library's closed.

I'm going to try my best to document whenever my mom yells at me or makes me feel unsafe. I might try to have a 24/7 audio monitor to record her yelling at me. she has a history of hurting me when i was a kid.


I was going to publish the incidents with mailed postcards throughout my neighborhood, but that's expensive and could be illegal in some instances. Instead, I'm going to dedicate a half hour to finding volunteer opportunities and talking to other local volunteers about the incidents.