anyone out there have a few minutes?

I had a 2 1/2 hour meeting with a new therapist yesterday. In order to make the most of the session, I tried to come up with a concise introduction of myself, hoping it would help us get on to more important stuff, but he didn't want to read it. So we beat around the bush for a couple hours, not a complete waste of time, but I think he would have gotten more clarity in 10 minutes if he read my little mini-bio...

I used to have what can only be called entirely delusional ideas about myself and the world around me. These ideas have shifted drastically over the years, even to the absolute extreme, such that an outside observer would not likely believe that the same person could be believing first one thing, and then believe the other. But my beliefs have come to a consensus of sorts, a consensus that I will attempt to summarize.
The experiences that I consider formative ones for me lie so far outside the boundaries of normal consciousness that is almost as if I really am an alien from another world. It may be of interest to note that I am fully aware of how abnormal I am because of the fact that for reasonably long periods I will merge with what is more or less a common, ordinary consciousness, a consciousness very much like what is experienced by persons who have never been "outside the game", which is the best language I can come up with to describe my "home" consciousness Outside the world is a real place, but it is so dramatically different from normality, although not in every single possible regard different, it is still so different that there is almost no way to communicate anything meaningful to anyone else about it. I have often felt like I seriously really do not belong here on earth anymore, but the fact remains that, well, here I still am. So I have to decide in that case what to do with myself while I'm here. It is not as simple as it sounds. I don't have much problem merging with a normal kind of consciousness when conducting day to day business, but anytime I am faced with any kind of more important life decision that eventually might present itself, I am confronted again by the spectre of who I REALLY am. That's a really big problem as it turns out, because who I am seems to be entirely outside of anything that can be utilized for, or integrated with, any attempt to address something like making a human decision. I know this because I know what it feels like to be human. Being human, whether I am on medication or off of it, in my honest and well considered opinion, means being unaware of what reality really is. Once upon a time, I requested knowledge directly from the God of the Universe. I was taken to the source of all knowledge. Standing in that doorway, as it were, in the light of that source, every shred of what might be labeled human is stripped from me. I see the universe for what it is. It is not what people think it is. So, in human society, then, can there be any application for this knowledge? Any value in even mentioning the experience? Humanity, by and large is already for the most part, insane, but it doesn't need correcting. In fact, humanity's insanity barely deserves mention, because being insane, living in miserable darkness, is a big part of what being human is all about. What is all adds up to for someone like me is....I'm fuc#ed, lol....Well, not really, because its all temporal and none of it really matters. So you would think, okay there's a lot to enjoy here on earth, so why not just enjoy yourself. It's not that simple either though, because living for comfort or pleasure rapidly devolves into addiction or other negative-tending behavior. The only thing that saves me here is that I care about what my mother thinks of me, I want to be a good boy still, not out of feeling much of a connection to her, really, but because I dont want to make her unhappy. I have no feelings of connection to anything or anyone other than that. The whole thing is just a show. I may as well be in solitary confinement. I am currently in a situation of no structure whatsoever. There is no ground to stand on, no where to get my balance, so of course I exhibit what look like mental problems. I am living with my mother at the age of 40, after 20 years of successfully looking like I had it pretty much together. I didn't ACTUALLY have it all together, but looking like I did was the next best thing, this is how most people live their lives anyway, why couldn't I have just been grateful for it? Well, anyway, that whole make believe life is gone now, I am living with Mom again. I landed here unexpectedly, as the compound result of what I thought were well considered, rational decisions, decisions that, in hindsight, could not be viewed by the average observer as anything other than ridiculously unrealistic, disturbingly unstable, or outright insane. I can not proceed from where I am. I am trapped. There is no place to get a foothold. I try to keep a show up for my Mom. Am I sick? Sane? Insane? What do I call myself? Where do I belong? Yet, I'm just trying to find a way to get by, just like everybody else. Most people already know they're just pretending all the time anyway, so I shouldn't feel so alienated, you might say. But, for me, because of following the suggestions of an invisible inner guide that I had come to trust, even the ability to pretend to fit in has now been taken away from me. I'm not sure I have regrets about listening to that voice, because if you think about it, how can you ignore the advice of what is clearly a supernatural entity of some kind? It seems to me that the consequences of ignoring such an entity would be worse than listening to it. So even though I now have the choice to medicate and no longer give credence to the inner world, there is still no question in my mind that the invisible world is real. No amount of medication will change this. Although I could imagining getting so snowed over that I would forget about it for a while, the idea of that is not appealing. So, you see, it is essentially impossible to communicate any of my concerns to normal people. Even therapists don't want to hear too much of it. If I snow myself in like I feel I am being led to do, I will end up on disability. I don't want to do that because it would make my Mom unhappy. But my facade that I was using to look like a person is in a million pieces. It is not salvageable. I am concerned that the challenge of constructing a fake persona again may be insurmountable. And I believe that if I cannot find a way to integrate with society in some way or at least to begin communicating with someone, or begin to experience some sense of meaning in my life, that I will self destruct. And that's my problem, in a nutshell. So I'll take some more of that anti psychotic med now, thanks. It was nice to meet you, too, doc. See ya next week...
But thanks for reading all my stuff here, anyone out there who had the time to make it through all that. And even if no one reads it, I think having an outlet here by belonging to this place might help me more than my even medication does.

There are two replies to your post on the Dissociative Disorders forum.

<blockquote>
Hello Skeptik:
After reading through your post I think you would enjoy the work of psychiatrist, Stanislav Grof. Here's a video that can serve as an introduction:

You may also enjoy this post: Psychosis & Ego Collapse as well as this one: How to Produce an Acute Schizophrenic Break.

You can find more information on Stan Grof's work via the internet.

Enjoy.