Roll Call 153

Woke up early, it's going on 5. I like being up early, I'm a morning person

It's going on 4 here and I haven't slept... Rough night for me...

I met the ward pdoc today. It went okay. He wants me to stay here a couple more weeks. I have not heard voices in over a day. I feel clear headed. But we know if I take things too quickly, I will fall backwards again. The pdoc is writing a form to Kela for functional therapy; helping me with daily tasks so I get back on my feet. So all in all I may be in here for over a month. I am also not talking to my mom for the last 2+ weeks and its helping me to see things clearly cause her denial of problems isn’t infiltrating my head as much. I feel like I am beginning to realize how troublesome the relationship with my parents is. I have no parental figures in my life unfortunately. That I feel I can truly look up to. It hurts.

Pdoc appointment yesterday...an emergency one. First off he is leaving as of 12/31/19. He is going to a different city and going cash only. Not sure I can afford him. Not going to be easy seeing about a new one as where I live it’s kind of rural. Also the whole counseling service is up for sale. As of 12/31/19 I might lose my T and for sure I’m losing my pdoc. This sucks. As for the appointment, there wasn’t much he could do with my meds as I am on the highest doses already. So we are going to augment with alternative medication. He is ordering me some vitamin B something. Then he had me go to Costco and get some SAM-E. He gave me a book to read and a 40 page paper. Apparently some people have a gene or a variant that makes anti depressants not that effective. He thinks I have that. I told him he is breaking my heart by leaving. I’m sad and upset and scared.

Sorry to hear Kit is there a reason he can't let you try other meds? I know you're on the max doses but maybe those meds aren't helping and could be changed over to other ones ?

I’m glad you’re feeling clear headed but that can shift in the beginning of recovery pretty easily so I think it’s smart to stay until you’re fully stable even though it kinda sucks as I’m sure you’d rather be out living life....but soon enough you will be. Sorry your mom is making stuff worse.

Sorry to hear S.K. , but I hope clearing up your depression is as easy as supplements...wouldn’t that be cool?

Seeing my doctor today

And case manager

Over the last week I felt a bit off kilter and then I wasn’t sleeping well less and less each day and feeling a bit hypomanic.

But I managed to sleep a decent amount last night and feel better.

Must be adjusting to the abilify. I think it’s helping with those thoughts I was having. So that’s good.

Hopefully this works well. I’m hopeful.

I've already tried a bunch of meds. I've been on meds for about 15 years so I've tried the lot with not a lot of success. Hopefully the supplements will help. I mean, it can't hurt, it's just supplements, natural stuff.

Yeah, that would be cool. I'm trying hard to be hopeful.

I called my insurance and got a list of providers MD's and PDOC's that are taking new clients and on my insurance. I'm not sure if I should call yet or wait and see what happens with the counseling center. I guess I'll talk it over with my parents and see what they say.

This is stressful. I don't like it.

Thanks. Yeah, this is a trying time for me. But I will persevere through it. I’m not sure how to approach my mom to let her know how long I will be here.

I hope that I get what I need to stay out of hospital this time...

My case manager is signing me up for this vocational rehabilitation program that helps people find jobs, excited!

But you have frequent nightmares, and some of the emotion is working its way to consciousness. I hope you'll feel better soon.

Thanks Angelique, reading has been helping me distract myself How are you?

Sorry you have to find a new pdoc, I know that's very stressful, I always hated when that happened. Luckily I've been with the same person several years but I'm sure there'll be a day when I have to see someone else again but that's a long way off. I always worried about new doctors but it generally goes well. Maybe if you have a new doctor they may have some other ideas about how to help you

I'm so sorry about this, Kit.

I'm upset, Trump wants to ban vaping. He's heard all the fud misinformation, and none of the research, etc. Really feeling frustrated right now.

I have an appointment with my pdoc tomorrow at 2:10. Gonna see what he can do to help me stay awake.

I want pizza. Or Chinese food. Or both 😜

Can't get back to sleep

October 2nd will mark 6 months of eating disorder recovery