Roll Call 155

I hope it will help!

Day was productive. I spent all day organizing and writing so to shrink my notes of Thomas Reid from 55 pages to 30 pages with success. Now I just need to add something for a bit of depth psychology to deepen the emotional impact of what I learned. I'll probably do that next week, and complete that chapter then. I notice, when I quote stuff, I tend to summarize and clarify, then I can usually delete the quote unless it adds an extra pizazz or if I can't say it better. It's very economical. However, I am starting to write in philosopher's lingo which is not a good sign. Philosopher's lingo is abstract to the point of absurd. That's why us philosophers are so weird, we have our own language apart from the one we're using!

It's like I'm not depressed anymore but now it's worse than that. What does that mean? It's like I have all the other symptoms of depression except I don't feel sad, I feel happy. It's horrible.

If I could just give in and be sad, I can't do that. Then I'd be unproductive. But I hate myself and have suicidal thoughts.

Now I just listened to the song "Heavy" by linkin park.

I don't like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
'Cause I can't escape the gravity
I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
You say that I'm paranoid
But I'm pretty sure the world is out to get me
It's not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so ****ing messy
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same

Every word relates to exactly how I feel. This is bad.

I wrote this to explain it in a similar way;

When you feel happy but something is really wrong
And you can’t feel sad because then you have to let it all go
But you can’t and all the thoughts bother you every day
All of the things that people have been saying
Often the good doesn’t outweigh the bad
Because you believe in all of the lies
And just want to be free
When you want to tell someone how you feel
But you don’t want to make a big deal of it
So it’s all kept locked inside of your head
To suffer in silence and try to not end up dead
Depression can evolve into this many years later
Or it’s just a matter of what can happen sometimes
To anyone

Idc if anyone likes the poem thing or not. I just feel better when I do write poem things. It doesn't matter if they're good. I try =]

"What you're saying is often less important than what you're feeling when you're saying it." - Duncan Trussell.

can't sleep

Cant sleep either

I'm pretty sure soon I'm gonna go back in PHP and go on Clozaril, these antipsychotics just aren't working.

Clozaril is best med. Just mind your white blood cells..

Happy 3am everyone

3am is when the party starts

no jk don't mind manic me

I hear
The secrets that you keep
When you're talking in your sleep =]

The weekly blood tests seem annoying, but I'd rather do that than die of a low white blood cell count.

Yeah I'm sure no one died from it unless they didn't get the tests.

Probably it takes a while to "die" without even taking the tests so no worries.

What symptoms are you having right now?

I've been having some depression the past week or so, but these past few days I've been having thought broadcasting and believing my mind is being read pretty bad. I'm aware it's a delusion (most of the time) but it's still really uncomfortable.

Sorry that's happening. Right now I don't feel thought broadcasting happening or anything like that. Idk why... What happened to me? Why aren't I haven't symptoms since I increased my injection from 3 to 4 weeks.. Idk.. It's been almost 3 months since any psychosis.

I guess I better not question it but I am cuz then maybe I can help. I'll think about it with time..

Late to work by 30 min.

Oh man and the training lady printed out my article plus the front page of my blog and pinned it to the human resources board...

My boss told me it's ok I was late 30 min. She said no worries. And say for me to go home 1pm and come back at 330pm for an hour to meet with a certain client.

God this job is CRAZY flexible. So glad.

I was up till 4am and slept til 9am and I've supposed to be at work by 9!!! As I was walking out the door my vape fell and broke. Ugh. Made me 15 more min late.

Boss told me to go home now and come back at 3pm til 5pm.

She also said she doesnt worry too much if I'm late, just as long I make up those 30 min or an hour or whatever during the rest of the day or week.

Wow that’s super cool.....

I know right? I literally have the best boss in the world, but also everybody at this company gets to do that. They value mental health a lot. My boss said to leave and come back later because I need my rest and I look very tired. I told her I was up til 4am stressing out about the move. She knows it's very stressful. Shes 25 years old.

I looked at my eyes and they are super baggy looking and black under my eyes from not sleeping. That's probably what she meant by I look very tired.

And I called the apt complex. They told us the apartment isnt gonna be ready to be seen til Thursday or Wednesday. Which really really upsets me. She told me friday that it should be ready to view on monday or Tuesday. So now idk what to do, I'm not signing that lease til we see it. I'm gonna tell her that. She wanted us to sign the lease over the weekend through online portal and then we can see it Tuesday. Now it's a whole different story. Pisses me off.

I work Wednesday and Thursday...and so does Dustin. We had planned seeing it Tuesday cuz he gets off at 1:30pm then. Oh well.

I’m sure they are painting and stuff.....I swear apartments are terrible at this, but then they often have many turn overs at the same time.

We are gonna try to see it Wednesday.

I'm crying my eyes out.

I called my mom to check on her cuz she was sick. The conversation got to where I was talking about buying a house down the line in 2-3 or 4 years. She kept going on and on how she has helped me with everything financially, and how I'm not doing anything right financially and how broke I am. I said "when you degrade me and say negative stuff about, that makes me push further away from our relationship."and she said "I dont care". I got off the phone. That's all I needed to hear for the rest of my life.