Roll Call 155

Oh yea I lost more weight!

I was stuck at 202 lbs for 2 weeks. Now I'm 200. Got over the plateau. Altogether lost 10 pounds. And gonna keep going. I'm ready to under 200. I've only been 200 since maybe January or February. Maybe march. Around spring time basically.

my meds cost 20 dollars today instead of the usual 0, i wonder why.

Ready to get out of here. 2 more days.

Psychosis turned me into that lel but I feel like turning back around again... If I can..

Morning cant really sleep. Ready to get out of here!

I was gonna get some sausage biscuits this morning. But I'm literally so hungry. So I plugged the microwave back in to make ramen. Still might get sausage biscuits. I need some meat for breakfast.

We have packed every last thing now, except for fiances computer, my computer, TVs' etc electronics we need for everyday use.

We havent bought groceries in a week. We are gonna eat out the next 2 days. Just cheap fast food to get us til friday. Then we will get groceries on friday. I cleaned out the fridge last night and having ate everything there was only condiments left and a few frozen vegetables. Not even drinks.

I am just utter garbage

How do one beautiful soul psychedelics hurt you..

Self love is important. You're like me in a way, pessimistic nihilistic misanthrope.. afraid of close relationships.

I was talking to a legit autistic savant. Most interesting person I know. He was giving me great information about dealing with people high IQ people that have BPD.. they are more dangerous than psychopaths yet you dont hear about it because they killl in a discrete way.. making people commit suicide, lose all their money etc.. shits crazy..

I'm just talking dont mind me..

Brain chems can change but you have to suffer somewhat.. all the things that people say that we ignore like meditation, exercise etc.. listen to a good podcast that helps you.. music..

I'm positive for no other reason than obsession with black holes.. sucks the darkness from me. People will tell you things.. so surround yourself with positivity.. but not too much that you get annoyed that they're happy. That's when you know that you're in a dark place.. when you get annoyed that people are happy..

That’s not true...I’m not sure why you think that but we can all change even if we did something wrong.

Thanks yall. I just feel gross

I haven't had panic attacks for over a week. I feel so sedated with the Inderal though. I don't know if it's the med itself or the combo of it interacting my other meds which also cause drowsiness but it's crazy

Work was horrible for the first 2 hours. I had a massive stomach ache. I had forgotten I ate ramen when I woke up at 3am. Then when I got to work at 8am, I had coffee. Only a few sips. But coffee and ramen gives me severe gastrointestinal problems. By themselves it's fine. I quit eating ramen like 3 or 4 months ago but with no groceries right now (cuz we ate everything and cleaned out the fridge to move), I made ramen cuz it was all we had left. Plus we packed the dishes/pans.

It literally was horrible. I couldn't tell for 2 hours if I needed to throw up or goto the bathroom. But it ended up being a bathroom situation. That was bad. And my boss had to see me like that. ugh. But she said it was ok and it happens.

Shes very understanding and sweet. She stands her ground, but in a respectful way and I totally admire that. We even had a conversation on racism on the way back from our offices. Which takes an hour each way. It was totally civil and respectful.

I was in the bathroom 5 or 6 times the first 2 hours.

Man...there was red/pinkish mucus in my stool. I think it was because of the ramen and coffee. If it wasnt, then maybe the coffee was old or idk. I know the training lady said who ever is in charge of the break room supplies, like the cups/plates/etc, keeps that stuff in this closet that has dead rats in it etc. Idk if their in the walls or what, but it smells like death down the admin wing everyday. Everyone wants it moved but they arent allowed to.

I think it was just the coffee and ramen cuz I poured 1/3 cup of coffee at work and only had like 3 sips. Idk. But everytime I eat ramen and have coffee anywhere close together, I get this same issue.

I'm not eating ramen for the rest of my life. Cuz I'm not giving up coffee.

I'm not eating ramen for the rest of my life. I will eat anything else, before I eat ramen again. I also will not eat ramen at any restaurant. Idc idc idc idc idc. That's how bad I felt.

I hope I dont die.

Adrenaline was keeping you awake. But remember, Inderal doesn't cross the blood-brain barrier so it does nothing to your brain. Just slows the heart a little and blocks adrenaline so you'll feel a little out of energy but you'll get used to it.

The Xanax is really destroying me I think. I think it destroys my confidence. But it gets rid of my anxiety, so I'm super dependent upon it. I don't know what other options there are. Is it stupid to remain on Xanax indefinitely? I feel like I'm going to get Alzheimer's from it and I'm only 26. I just feel resentful towards the psychiatrist who prescribed it.

Yea. It isnt healthy for long term use. I had to be taken off as the local community mental health centers in this region dont prescribe it anymore. I was taken off cold Turkey tho. I had severe anxiety for a month that was so bad that I did not eat for 2 weeks.

Thanks, yeah I already have a little more energy today. I spent several days pretty much just sleeping, but it was the first week of being on it so I'm sure it will get better

Do you eat it super spicy? I used to eat ramen with like several tablespoons of cracked red pepper and cayenne and it would mess with me, especially if I'd have coffee too

That's interesting. I cant find anything using google search about ramen coffee issues. I had usually eaten spicy, and coffee with it messed with me. But today I had eaten just the regular non-spicy chicken. I had coffee 2 hours later at work. I've decided not to risk anything else with ramen. It's not very healthy anyway and I shouldn't be eating it. I hadn't eaten it in maybe a month or two, but with everything going on I chose to. Well it was all we had too.

Ugh I know I shouldn't be this way since I park on the street, but this man keeps parking in a spot I like. I hate it. But i hate it cuz I'm scared these other people that live here will hit my car parking near me. It's not a specifically special spot. I mean it kinda is. It's right in front of my backyard.

Reason I do that is because my car was broke into when I first moved here. The very first day, overnight. So I've been on edge about my car all year. Everyday all year long I double and triple check to see if it's ok. I just look out the window.

So guess what!!!

Today the chiefs in charge said I can write a monthly mental health piece for the company newsletter! So in a way a bit, I'm getting paid to write too. This is awesome. I get to choose the topic. The training lady said she preferred a certain title for that section of the newsletter, which I didnt mind and it was actually a good title. So I went with it.

Yes!!!

Another thing to add to my list!

So my friend responded to me last night, and again today. We're on very good terms now. He lowered his defense too.

I listened to some choice lectures on ancient Greece today. Man, was it inspiring.