Roll Call 155

I wish there was a manual for my life. But I have to figure everything out. And I'm pissed off that I went so mental. I don't know when to enjoy life and when to work hard on what I want. Because I'm not sure what I want.

There needs to be some easy points on how to focus with ADHD. I took an extra Vyvanse which makes made me focus on my phone at the restaurant to the point where I couldn't hear everyone around me. But I might lower my original dose so I have more creativity with less focus.

Not sure if I want a happy carefree life or to head for success. I don't want to be too egotistical. I do all these things but I'm not doing enough.

I can't chill and relax and read a book because I feel like I'm focusing on one thing at once. I need to focus on many things or else I feel anxious about the things that I'm not doing. I need to prioritize my time.

I'll go back to my notes on how to sort this all out because I'm losing my mind in a good way because it's needed.

But so many people around me in real life aren't doing anything to improve anything. They're just drinking all day every day.

I don't have enough TIME

Saw my doc today, he prescribed effexor xr, 75 mg for 5 days and then 150mg.

So I did some research..

My moms breast cancer is caused by high estrogen and progesterone (Which is the most common type of breast cancer and easier to treat) and the hormones feed the cancer but chemo and radiation can damage the heart and my moms heart is already severely damaged (She has long QT syndrome, mitral valve prolapse and an aortic aneurysm) so the treatment could cause congestive heart failure where you can't even do the slightest exercise, fluid builds up in the body including the lungs, feet, etc.. There is no cure and she would live for a few years.

Apparently women with high estrogen and progesterone are more likely to have male sons that are gay (My brother is gay) or have autism (More likely to have gender identity, sexual orientation issues like asexuality and high IQ) and have menopause later in life (My mom is 55 and still hasn't had it yet) and have daughters that are more likely to have high estrogen and progesterone (My sister has period cramps like my mom had when she was her age) so my sister is also more likely to have breast cancer in her 50's.

This all seems like a bad dream or a bad trip. It's just too real for me. This is way too real. It's almost completely psychotic.

My mom gave me this life for her to die. It's really sad. But I guess that's how it is for everyone, just in different ways.

I want off of the Invega injection

This is awesome @newtus!

I'm at work and it's the last day of the month so there is invoicing and stuff to do plus we are trying to fix the sales tax return. I think I figured out where the issue is but the controller wants to look at it and I'm so impatient right now.

I had a good appointment with regular T last night. I was really surprised at how helpful she was. She reminded me that I have choices and that what I want matters too.

Home now. Gonna pack the last little things tonight and up early tomorrow at 8am or so to start. Gotta whole day planned tomorrow. With a handful of people helping us.

So I got a message from verizon that said we will soon have Disney+. Cuz our unlimited plan on phones. In a couple of weeks. They said its gonna be free for a year, and then 6.99 month afterwards. So that's cool. I love getting perks from verizon. Like gift cards to starbucks and amazon and etc.

That's great, glad your appointment went well

Happy Halloween! I feel amazing today, over the past couple days my energy has come back

Feeling a bit better today

Happy halloween =p

it's 630pm and I still haven't left bed.

I hope the ad your doc prescribed will help you have a better sleep schedule.

My doc said it's usually activating and to take it during the morning, but I took it this morning and then proceeded to sleep all day.

I think I'm gonna goto bed early.

I'm disappointed. The unit didnt have a washer and dryer. They lied to us. Which is probably why they didnt let us see it for 4 days under the disguise that it was getting fixed up. Cuz they had a few weeks to fix it up. It's nice otherwise. But oh well. We dont have a choice. We have like 4 different things set up for tomorrow to move. Uhaul, movers, our parents, and scheduled the desk move. If I dont pick up that desk tomorrow they will put it back on sale and I'll be out 125 dollars. Since this resale shop has a 7 day hold policy. So oh well. Oh yea plus a mover is coming to help.

I gotta get up before 8am tomorrow anyway.

Happy Halloween! The staff dress up every year and they looked adorable. I was stupid though and stayed in my room all day instead of going to the party or whatever it was they put on.

I had a Coke earlier so I'd better not eat too much tonight. I'm working on losing weight and I'm going to be very successful. I might go get a Coke Zero later. My friend and I had a cold steam (not to be confused with a whole cold war) a couple of weeks ago when I heard he went to his shrink and the topic was my weight. His shrink has been urging him to leave me for 19 years. He recommended metformin for me and told my friend that it's very hard to lose weight from exercising. So..

So, for my own better flexibility I want to lose weight. It will have the added bonus of my friend stopping talking about my weight everywhere he goes.

I only get weighed once a month which is good so I won't obsess over every little fluctuation. And I want to use the bike machine everyday because it does wonders for my outlook. I just need to cut down on candy and regular pop. And snacks. And carbs at meals. I feel like Ellen Burstyn in Requiem for a Dream. But I'm not on diet pills.

Hm, the opposite results. See how it works out, hopefully it will work as it should.

I tried listening to an album today--for the entire day-- over and over again, but my anhedonia is so bad that I couldn't process a single song. This has been the case in general for nearly almost all music. Turning the volume up doesn't do a thing for me.

I think the only way to get around this is to read the lyrics and then the cognitive side of me can process and know what to expect from the song, then try again tomorrow.

My schizophrenia, and paranoia... jesus f'n Christ. I'm so sick of it. It further alienates me, but also makes me cautious, but should I be cautious when I think I should be cautious? and round and round we go. I'm so sick of it.

2 events and I make a confirmation bias, or is it? Now it's a pattern but now a good one, yet the date does make it weird that it would happen now like it did last time, was last time just a joke or coincidence?

My cognition is down the drain

I can't be an investor. I can't do it. It's too much ego. All I am is soul. I want to be a musician or something. I feel too much.

I'll just do it as a hobby and that's all.

Trippy I feel cuz of the 100 ego deaths in one night. The antipsychotic and psychedelic mixed together and made me drift in and out when people usually only have one ego death per trip...

Can't sleep