Roll Call 157

I'm so so so tired. I almost fell asleep at work multiple times.

Off for 4 days!!!

I didn't have work today so I sat and meditated, trying to concentrate on my short story to see if I can make it any more meaningful. I wish I had more time to do this sort of thing, but now that it's the holidays I guess I will be able to. My roommate is having some family over shortly so I'm going to stay in my room for the night. They are a chatty bunch and it's a big much for me. Still, I've been alone for most of the day and I'm getting depressed.

Having a bit of coffee with creamer. Even tho the creamer made my stomach hurt. Just a bit tho tonight. Cuz I'm so so so tired and I have to stay up to put all this stuff together.

I'm sorry you're feeling depressed

Having a weird night. Had to take a klonopin

My mom showed me how much the groceries were and I later said "Why did you show me that?" And she said "I dont think sometimes you kids realize that cuz you're always asking for money" and I said "my sister does but I was asking for my money cuz I wanted to buy jeans i needed but didnt have enough and wanted some from my 10k you have in an account that I can't touch. I dont want zero dollars at the end of the month - I dont have kids and I don't party on the weekends, blow all my money on take out food like my sister I dont want to live that way. I do realize what you have to go through working all day with the cancer and all and I work on myself and am really careful now about what I do and the decisions I make in how to prepare for my future cuz I dont want to end up homeless when everyone dies. That's why I care so much for homeless people. People say they're bums etc and deserve to be addicted to drugs" and she was sad and said that "That's why I raise so much awareness for schizophrenia and not afraid to tell people you have it cuz they love you when they get to know you and I wont let that happen" but jesus I need to get a drivers liscence and be independent immediately cuz I dont want a relationship its hard for me and idk if I should be doing investing and if it will work idk about anything.. All the money I spent on drugs was my own money that I spent working as a mechanic and welder and even bought and apartment with it. Then I get mental problems and all the **** that happened in my short life screwed everything up but at least I realize that trades isn't what I want to do anymore.

I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. No one should be living like that. **** society.

Another quick one

I think I'm gonna go back to partial hospital and try clozapine. The doc there talked about putting me on abilify + clozapine because there was research showing that they were an effective combination

I don't think my regular T did a good job of screening for suicide tonight. I went in and I thought about going to the hospital, I drive right by it on the way to her office. But the hospital sucks. She said do whatever I have to do to get through the weekend. I said even she said whatever you have to do. Okay....so. she said she didn't know if she was helpful tonight. I don't know if she was either. Oh well. Hugs to everyone Kit

Doesn't matter about her obliviousness! We care about you and don't want you to cut. We love you ...

<3 *hugs* =]

Morning

Just took an early morning shower. I feel great. Fiances mom is coming over before 9am to start cooking!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Turkey Day everyone. Hope you guys have a good time with your family and love ones

It's raining and today feels beautiful.

Thank you @Desoxyn. You made me cry in a good way! Hugs Kit

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Hope everyone's day is great! I just got up. Slept in. Should be a chill sort of day.

I wish I could see my mom. I'm not comfortable with fiances family here.

You could always drive out there, but you’ll have to leave the fiancé behind to host.......

I know. He said he would stay here. I dont feel well. I drank creamer with my coffee and I feel so bad. I had to go number 2 a lot but also now I feel weak and tired. I hope I dont die. I dont wanna die.

Also it doesnt help that I feel a bit sad.

Yeah the pumpkin spice creamer affected the bf pretty badly he tossed it. You won’t die from that though.

You can always just call your mom.....

I'm all over the place. So much to do so little time.

I hate the fill in doctor that I seen. He was slouching on his chair and had a tone of voice as if he didn't care. He asked me if I'm doing drugs but I said no (Rarely alcohol, weed, phenibut, rare benzo) because I don't trust him. He would just judge me.

Do I look like I do drugs or something? Jeez.

"How's your schizophrenia?" I said "I'm doing great".

I feel like he judged me for having schizophrenia. I hate that. Got my meds refilled. It was a 4 minute conversation.

Lol......

Happy Thanksgiving day everyone. I just got a funny text from a friend I haven't seen in many months. It was nice. I think I will get a lot of alone time to meditate on my book longer and hopefully write a bit more. Tomorrow my café opens so I'll be able to do that, which i'm looking forward to. as well.

@Desoxyn I read your post. I understand some of what you're going through. I'm in quite the situation myself. Our apathy and anhedonia compounds our problems, let them stack on, one-by-one.

I'm really, really, really upset.

Fiance set up the ring doorbell without me. I'm fckn pissed. I'm redoing it. I fckn bought it.

Happy thanksgiving! Had a nice time with my friend, food was great, we ate early

...i'm getting a taste of this mother in law life...